My two other sibs outearn me by 3-5x and are also significantly older. This insurance costs a bomb (11k AUD/ year and growing - in a country with universal healthcare), and was richest sib’s idea back when he earned a lot more.

Eldest sib has always financially supported mum the most (he has always been a high earner). But he is also the most emotionally distant and meanest to my mum and doesn’t recognise the health impact that has on her (or that his contempt is obvious). His own kids have been spoiled most of their lives and he had a very cruel divorce and now needs to fork out a lot to keep his kids going.

I feel an unspoken expectation to be catching up to their high earning jobs and shouldering the financial burden equally.

I steadfastly refuse however to accept this. It has made me rather upset

1. I chose not to have kids partly because they’re so expensive. I hate being guilt tripped into now having to pay up more than I can afford because i chose not to reproduce. The insinuation that my choices are less noble is low-class and narrow -minded.

2. I refuse to be dragged into the unhappy trap of flogging myself to earn more, at the cost of energy to attend to the more fundamental and important things in life like being present for others. It has taken over a decade for me to be ok with not reaching the heights of others and wanting to craft a simpler life that focuses my energies better. I am not about to be conned out of this by those whose lives I never ever want to lead.

3. My mum is no saint and she has had trouble with emotional relationships much of her life due to her own brain quirks and traumas, I don’t hold it against my sibs for being cold to her if they feel no love. but it is utterly despicable to me that the eldest then claims the upper ground for financially supporting her as compensation.

4. Mum is happiest being frugal and taking care of her own health, she herself questions the need for this insurance. My sibling comes up with horror stories of how she would end up in a shitty hospital ward without it and how miserable she would be. Meanwhile she is feels lonely and low NOW partly because he’s the only one in the same country as her and is totally contemptuous of her, and that’s no concern to him.

I refuse to relate to my mother the way he does, and reject the expectation that I should cough up otherwise I’m heartless and selfish… I worked hard to move here and escape the narrative from our home country that life is a miserable slog and money matters above all else in the real world. I won’t be pulled down by crabs in the bucket.

I started trying to do a calorie deficit thingy today (editor’s note: Baku means yesterday, Thursday). I had a naughty midnight HSP, so it’s barely a deficit, mostly just a break even, but that’s gonna be the end of them for a while. I don’t talk about my weight very often because honestly I am deeply ashamed of my weight, genuinely carry a level of despite and disgust towards myself over it, and it’s the main reason I would never consider meeting anybody from here (hard to trust anybody else to not care if I myself, care too much)

It’s not a new years resolution, I’ve just been deeply unhappy about it for fucking years, and now that I’m finally somewhere at least somewhat safe and secure, I feel like I can finally safely work on my mental and physical health

Today ran about a 300cal deficit, if my phone’s built in pedometer is anywhere near accurate. Otherwise, about a 200 surplus. Oh well. It’ll take more than that to defeat me. I worked on some calf strengthening exercises so that I can manage longer walks. I much prefer a long, slow burn over half an hour of intense cardio or whatever

This is probably the only time I’ll mention it for a while. I know what I’m in for, that there’s usually a plateau, and there’ll be plenty of bad or challenging days. But I’ll be off in the background trying my best

If anybody’s ever wondered what my vice is, since I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs, dislike butter, and am barely affected by caffeine, it is, and always has been, overeating, a poor diet, and an over reliance on sweet things for comfort

I don’t need advice, I kind of just wanted to get it off my chest. That is my darkest secret, and the thing I dislike most about myself. Maybe sharing it will make me less nervous about sharing other things. Who knows

The maggies started following me today, not in a hostile way but because I wiggled my fingers in a wave and they thought I might be throwing food. (I no longer feed them, only did it a few times initially so they would learn not to swoop me. I now only talk to them and give them water.)

They were single mindedly waddling and hopping along after me on foot, and then flying between telephone lines and trees to keep tabs on me. Thought I was going to get mugged.

And a ginger cat came out meowing for attention, smooching and doing roly polys. (I showered and washed clothes as soon as I got home in case of any cat illnesses spreading to my own sick elderly girl and also so she wouldn’t smell them.) It’s good, I can use a boost.

Melbcat is a little less enthusiastic about being loved on right now because I’m making her take her antibiotics but she’s a good sport and still snuggling and spooning with me (and only taking occasional revenge).