I’ve mentioned a couple of times recently having some “real life” problems, but I haven’t really wanted to talk about it much here while I was still processing everything.
My Dad has been diagnosed with lung cancer and does not have much longer to live. My Mum also has a fair few health problems and our current plan is for her to move back to Melbourne and share a house with me so I can provide more assistance. I feel a bit like I’m in the eye of a hurricane at the moment, everything seems perfectly normal right now but I’m constantly on edge waiting for that to change.
It feels like I should be doing something but there’s not really anything to do at the moment, so I’m researching and making plans for every likely future possibility I can think of. Which probably means something completely unexpected will happen instead.
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They have. Everything was updated for both Mum & Dad last year after some health scares. The timing and details might have been unknown but it is not really unexpected at this point.
That is a great deal of shite at once. Net hugs.
I’m so sorry for that you’re going through ❤️
So sorry to hear that.
I’m really sorry. This sounds like a lot to take on.
It feels like I should be doing something but there’s not really anything to do at the moment
With kindness, I disagree. I think you should be spending as much time with your folks as you are comfortable with. Bugger everything else right now.
I have been spending more time with them, but Dad can’t do anything now, he can’t really speak and is basically just sitting in his armchair with the TV on 24/7. It’s not a very pleasant environment unfortunately. I’d love to be able to take Mum out to get away from it for a bit but she doesn’t want to leave him alone for any length of time. We’ve pretty much all said our goodbyes because he could go at any time and now we are all just waiting.
Can you read to him? share some stories of good memories when you were growing up?
I just. I think we should all be so lucky to pass surrounded by love.
Unfortunately we really don’t have that sort of relationship. He has never really shared stories or anything with us and in many ways I barely know him. I guess he has taken being part of the “silent generation” to heart.
get a little white board and eraser so your dad can communicate
play board games, play cards
can you go on drives?
and waiting is horrible, horrible for him too,
also, respite care so your mum can have a few hours to herself, organise thru the hospital
He’s not really able to do anything. He can still get to the toilet and back but the effort leaves him struggling to breathe. It’s pretty horrible really and I’m pretty sure he would have preferred to go a month or more ago.
I’ve been pretty disappointed in the lack of help that’s being given. The palliative care team are providing thickened liquids and loaned a wheelchair but there is no real support. They ask him if he’s fine, he lies and they just accept it. Mum would prefer him to be in care because she is constantly stressed and not physically able to assist him if he has problems but they just keep pushing for him to stay at home. It’s hard to try and push for anything like respite care because I’m not the caregiver so don’t have any standing and Mum’s not particularly assertive. It’s just a really shitty situation all round. ☹️
Can you ask that he be admitted to a palliative care unit for some respite? It’s a hard period to go through, especially if he’s not accepting of services.
I just had another chat with Mum about this. They technically can admit him to a palliative unit for respite, but they don’t actually have any places available. Dad’s also refused to have assistance with showering etc. in the home. It’s a frustrating situation, especially as we really don’t know how long it is going to go on for. If it’s only another week then it’s not worth the effort of pushing to organise something, but if It goes on another month or more then it would be. A crystal ball would be very helpful at this point.
If he’s still up and about, even if only to the toilet, he probably has a little bit to go yet although things can change pretty quickly. And sometimes it’s the push that they need to get going (I don’t mean to sound crass, long term community nurse) while things stay the same for him, he stays the same. But changes can trigger changes, and your mum needs some help. In similar situations, we’ve helped the wife with showering, saying it’s to help prevent falls or to assess the bathroom or come up with some suggestions to make things easier… After a little bit, wife steps out and all the sudden you have some services in place and we’ll be back again tomorrow. It takes some skilled clinicians to make it happen, and sadly there’s less and less of that around. It’s a tough situation you’re in, but don’t be afraid to keep trying to get services in, he’ll get to the point he can’t be bothered arguing any more!
agree, spend time :)
I’m very sorry to hear it.
If dad doesn’t feel up to talking or is unable to interact much, perhaps you might help mum with any practical tasks? Such as cleaning out storage spaces, checking for slip or trip hazards, putting any out of reach items down lower so she doesn’t need to get up on a ladder, paring down non-sentimental belongings, or starting to put away/make decisions about his stuff.
She might have trouble managing after he passes and it might be emotionally easier to do it more gradually, whether you do it together to support each other or you do the practical stuff while she sits with him.
Please ignore this if it comes off as insensitive.
I just thought it might take something difficult off mum’s plate with her health.
Edit: Also you may be able to hire a bedside commode from a mobility aid shop to make his journey easier and reduce the fall risk while going to the bathroom. It might ease mum’s mind a little.
We will definitely be going through stuff to downsize in future. I don’t think there will be many decisions about his stuff, most of it is going straight in the dumpster. I think we will all take special joy in finally being able to toss the broken toaster in the shed that he for some reason decided was valuable enough to take when they moved house 🤣 Fortunately the worst of his junk hoard was dealt with before they moved, but he did manage to bring over a surprising amount. Mum mostly has an oversupply of linen.
I have been helping with the cleaning a bit too, she is supposed to have a fortnighly cleaner through aged care every fortnight but they are not very reliable and if the cleaner can’t make it for some reason it ends up being a month.
So far Dad has refused to use any sort of mobility aids. He looks incredibly unstable and has already had a couple of falls but unless he’s completely physically unable to get there I don’t think he’ll accept any sort of assistance.
I’m really sorry to hear.
Sometimes there isn’t anything you can do for the moment until the moment finally arrives.
You can do some forward planning but it might also cause you additional stress of all sorts.
Perhaps spending time with your dad while you can might be something you can think about with the time he has left if that is something you can do. Time is precious sometimes and unforgiving so making the best use of it while you can will never be a mistake.
I’m also sorry to read what you’ve been going through. 🖤
So market research this morning:
Go to an office setup like a faux supermarket. You put on these eye tracking glasses and walk down the aisle.
All so they can figure out where to best place chocolates on a shelf.
Good times lol
Well that’s finally one saga over. I have wheels again! I think I’ve grown grey in my eyebrows from the stress.
Tomorrow I shall start organising insurance, put in a dashcam, look up places to get quotes for a new head unit, set up direct debits for rego, shop for seat covers and all the rest. And tidy my godawfully messy carport with months of dead leaves and crap accumulated. My neighbours will probably be rolling their eyes and sighing, “at last”…
That is good news.
You should organise insurance first (you should have done that before you picked it up). There is a cooling off period so you can cancel if you find a better deal when you have time, but you don’t want to be without it.
Yeah, I normally would’ve organised insurance first but it was touch and go as to whether this sale was even happening this week. It’s the first thing on my list for tomorrow.
Congrats! That must be a relief!
I feel so much lighter and free, even though I’m once again chained to the regular expenses of a car. No more faffing around with carshares at odd hours, constantly checking PT times, carrying around a coat and charger, leaving things behind at home, saying no to catchups…
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@wscholermann @just_kitten The inner suburbs where there’s trams isn’t that bad. Or along train lines.
But anywhere that you need to get to by bus… *shudders*
(And how is it the Belgrave line has half hourly trains during most of the day?!)
Past 10km, the suburbs are woefully car dependent. Busses and shared bike lanes as an after thought are terrible.
Miss Meow is back in her tunnel. It’s definitely a hit, she’s been hanging out in there every evening.
@RustyRaven @Seagoon_ Nawww, how cute 😻
I’m up early after another night of bad sleep with too many thoughts in my head. But I think I have made a decision that will make things less stressful for me - I’m going to withdraw from my climate change course. It’s interesting material and I would like to be able to do it, but I just don’t have the focus right now. I’m still doing the Sustainable Living Diploma, but I don’t need to finish that until next year so I might move another subject to next year so it is not such a time commitment.
so many hugs
NSFW rant - text wall
I have written a list, a few pages long, of all the crap my ex put me through, as well as a summary at the end just detailing the two months after we broke up and before she moved out, as well as my thoughts on her as a person.
I want to send it to them, I know their address (or at least an address that would forward it to them). But I also know I’m in no right mind to be making that decision. I’m mad that they got to send me that absolute toxic drivel, and that I didn’t take the time to rip them a new one.
My beautiful partner suggested printing it and burning it instead, which is a good idea. I just feel so raw. I wish this didn’t affect me so much, but I know why it does: it was worse than hell. I would have preferred hell. I thought what my mum’s dad did to me was bad, but that only happened once. My ex did it to me, 4 times a week, for 8 years. I wish I could put them on blast, properly, that I could show their friends and family what they did. I wish I could remove them from this world. I wish I broke up with them in 2010, when my friends said they didn’t like them.
Maybe I wouldn’t have had to take call centre jobs to support her and I, and maybe I would have got a higher ENTER score, gone to uni, and been an archeologist like I always wanted.
But I cannot live in the past making wishes that won’t come true for my 18yo self. I can only mourn what could have been, but I must remain here in the present to truly become what I want to be.
I shouldn’t send it at all, because it only proves to them how much they affected me, and I’m sure it would give them a boner knowing how much I hurt still. I think they got off on my pain, and I think what I said and did in that chat was the right call; it made them mad I didn’t grovel.
I don’t think they will find happiness or a partner who would put up with them for as long as I did. Not these days, knowing what we know about abusers and their insidious ways. She can claim she didn’t rape me endlessly, because she’s a girl, but it doesn’t take away from the fact they had a penis and the time and used it as a weapon of destruction against my soul. I can only hope any of their future partners will see them for what they are before she hurts them like she hurt me.
This is nonsense word salad, a stream of consciousness. And I apologise to this community for venting so vehemently.
Peace.
There is a full moon coming, which is very cleansing. I say burn it under the light of the full moon and let it be released.
Sending you loads of gentle hugs and love. Vent all you need!
I like the idea of printing it and burning it. Make a whole ritual out of it. Let yourself scream and cry while you do it. They don’t deserve any of your attention and unless you think your words, your pain, will make the grow and change, it’s not worth it unless it will give you closure.
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All the hugs and support and kind thoughts. You’ve been through an awful lot, and have every right to feel how you do
People, people! Please do not attempt to use a portable fire pit indoors! A very smart otherwise friend just made a very bad mistake.
Oh dear. Did they burn the house down or just give themselves smoke inhallation?
No persons or felines harmed. Nor purportedly furniture. I fear for the floorboards.
Did they at least get a visit from some firemen?
@Catfish @RustyRaven Oh dear.
By any chance, did this otherwise smart person have a few drinks before deciding that bringing the portable firepit inside was a good idea?
Nope. It was an intentional plan & new purchase. The cunning part lacking.
@Catfish Okay, so you have to tell us the full story.
What possessed your friend to do this? Why did they think an indoor fire without a chimney was a good idea?
My knowledge is limited. They are being deliberately oblique about just how bad it got. However they have been soundly told off by many, many people.
I wish I had one of those and a proper yard to put it in… Marshmallows and bevs
Think I’ve broken my boyfriend slightly… now that the nights are cooler, I haven’t been turning the fan on to sleep with and suddenly he’s having awful sleep. Last night it was a bit warmer, so I turned it back on and he slept so well. White noise ftw!
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I have my google home/nest mini thing on my bedside table which I stream noise through when I don’t want to use my fan. That helps me. I often listen to rain storm sounds but there’s one track which usually gives me pretty vivid dreams https://open.spotify.com/track/0YTKlaMszVp6rja34CzUDs?si=d12d51059ab243e8
Might not want to try sleeping to that on repeat without spotify premium though, it might throw ads between plays.
I turn my fan on regardless of season, because I can’t sleep otherwise. If it’s cold, I just face it away from me and keep it on the lowest speed.
I think I’m going to need to be doing this! We’ve moved into a house that might almost be “too quiet” for him to sleep without it anyway! I love having the fan on anyway because it makes snuggling easier!
Could you buy a little desk top one to sit on the bedside table?
Ooh, that’s a good idea! Thank you!
Something like this
Complete with banana for scale, love it!
If you or he have an iPhone there’s an option in settings to play various types of background noise, including white noise.
Edit: You can access it by going to Settings > Accessibility > Audio/Visual > Background Sounds. Using the built in option might avoid ads being played and waking you guys up.
If you want some noise without the fan you can get phone apps to play white noise. I use one called “sleep sounds” which lets you mix different types of sounds to make something you like - I use natural sounds which includes things like running water, rain and wind sounds as well as things like frog and bird noises if you want. You can also do things like train or city noises. You can mix in different things and vary the volume of different components to get something you like. It’s free to use (a small cost if you want to remove ads).
I am never up this late, but I took Mr 10 to Hamer Hall to see the MSO play Return of the Jedi. Fantastic performance, and a good excuse for a day off school tomorrow/today. And I am that tired I cannot think… goodnight peeps. Sweet dreams.
The mso doing the music from the movies is an absolute treat! They always do an amazing job.
It’s the eve of a 4 day weekend. Sadly I have a day filled with BS meetings that actually require my mental presence.
Happy Faux Friday!
Thanking you kindly
Holidays…start… …NOW
(Narrator: actually holidays start in about an hour after greeegy has done the last few jobs unfinished yesterday…)
Gah. I spent all day and night troubleshooting tech and why things weren’t charging.
Go out and buy a replacement part and I think everything is suddenly working and connecting together.
Felt like I just wasted money today figuring that out or just having it fixed magically.
Well at least I went and stocked up on spices which was the original aim of today.
Coffee time!
ooh, what spices did you get 😻
I picked more mild Moroccan Hoyt’s.
It’s so nice!
yum, I used to add that to mixed vegies, tomato, couscous and sliced spanish chorizo, ate it most days for a few months. Lost tons of weight
That sounds delicious!
That’s all that needs to be said.
that looks delicious
🤤
Just heard that it took 5 months for bands to be paid following gigs at the Bendigo Hotel.
No wonder why bands were refusing to play there.
I’m going to miss that place so much, but it sounds like they were running it into the ground.
