StudSpud The Starchy

Put a fork in me, I’m done.

  • 6 Posts
  • 4.8K Comments
Joined 2 years ago
Cake day: June 13th, 2023
  • StudSpud The StarchytoMelbourne•Daily Discussion Thread: Tuesday, 25 February 2025English
    6·
    2 hours ago

    I get it logically and intellectually, I’ve read books and studies about how the brain physically changes due to trauma and how much that sets back children, and ends up having a detrimental effect on the adults they grow up to be.

    more tw

    I remember telling my dad how much I wanted to get away from mum, and he didn’t do anything about it. I know why (she accused him of doing things to me he never did and I think he was afraid of her) but it still hurts so much. I almost can’t help but be jealous of my cousin’s relationship with him, how he was there for them when their dad walked out.

    Maybe I remind my parents too much of each other and they don’t like me. Too much like mum for dad, too much like dad for mum. I didn’t choose to be here ffs and I’ve tried to remove myself too many times to count; but I guess the universe wants me here for some reason idfk

  • StudSpud The StarchytoMelbourne•Daily Discussion Thread: Tuesday, 25 February 2025English
    3·
    3 hours ago

    I guess they just don’t see that, they’re the sort of people to bury their heads in the sand and don’t ask anything. Which I guess is their way of respecting my trauma, but I feel invisible.

    And thank you, if feels like a massive accomplishment, and I’m proud of myself on a logical level. But it would be nice to have some family validate that for me to I guess.

    I appreciate you understanding honestly and truly 💜💜💜

  • StudSpud The StarchytoMelbourne•Daily Discussion Thread: Tuesday, 25 February 2025English
    10·
    3 hours ago

    Family gathering on Sunday, no I just have those awful feelings of inadequacy again. I mask it up really well when I’m around them, but the anxiety of it builds in the lead up to the event.

    tw - sa and abuse mentioned

    This pervasive feeling of inadequacy builds up everytime I see them. My cousins all have good jobs and careers and buy their parents nice gifts for their birthdays and I just haven’t been able to do that for dad. Like, no wonder I feel like a fkn bum around them, and I feel like dad doesn’t care to reach out, I never have been successful enough to afford gifts or anything. I have always felt behind in life. I dread it so so much. I realise much of this is probably due to my own feelings about myself, but without any outside comfort from them, it’s hard to know if it’s just me or they really feel that way.

    I also realise it might be due to my trauma, being “left behind”. I’ve had to play catch up financially and I’m still no where near where my cousins are. They haven’t dealt with a sexually abusive grandparent (mums dad, NOT my opa lol), a negligent paranoid schizophrenic mum, or 8 years of severe abuse from a partner. I gotta try to be nice to myself, but it just feels like none of them care. My aunt’s have kids (my cousin’s), my uncle is childfree, and dad just… Doesn’t reach out to me just to talk. And I isolate myself because I feel like the black sheep. I scared of being vulnerable and talking to them, because I’m so afraid of being rejected anyway.

    Guess I just keep going to therapy and working on what I can, what I have the power to change. I just hate how all these feelings bubble up when a family gathering is coming up

    Sorry everyone, I just, don’t have anyone else to vent to about this. Feel free to ignore :)

  • StudSpud The StarchytoMelbourne•Daily Discussion Thread: Tuesday, 25 February 2025English
    1·
    12 hours ago

    Labour only got power again in 2022? Liberals were in power from 2013 - 2022… Edit: federally speaking

    But agreed! Liberals are the party business owners, millionaires and billionaires, and conservatives vote for. Anyone who hates the working class, anyone who hates LGBTQ and women, anyone who hates the idea of everyone being able to own their own home - those people vote for Liberals. The Liberals are for the upper echelons of society.

    I wouldn’t be surprised at all if they were funding Aussie channels to make the Liberals seem like an “everyone” party. I wouldn’t put it past them tbh

  • StudSpud The StarchytoMelbourne•Daily Discussion Thread: Monday, 24 February 2025English
    7·
    1 day ago

    It’s just warts that I’ve been using salicylic acid on for the past two few weeks lol 👀💀

    title

    The big toe has a big wart that’s on its way out. My second toe had two small warts which have come out, but the wound/crater is deep and gives me the epic willies 😂 it doesn’t hurt but looks fucking AWFUL 😱

    Mein liebe is totally ick AF about stuff like this haha! He’d help if I ask, 100%, but I’d rather not subject his weak stomach to my witchy-toes ha

  • StudSpud The StarchytoMelbourne•Daily Discussion Thread: Monday, 24 February 2025English
    7·
    2 days ago
    late night ramblings

    Late night memory exploration, but I’m getting better at accepting the past. The lost friendships, the wasted time, the fights and the pain.

    Ultimately, in a bitter way, I’m the person I am now because those experiences shaped me. I wouldn’t go through it again if given a choice, but I do (mostly) like myself now. Which is an improvement from hating myself wholly!

    I guess, it’s okay to be upset at the past for happening the way it did, but dwelling on the “what ifs” and “I should have dones” only perpetuates the deep hurt.

    I’m happy on my current path, and I’m grateful for the friends I do have now. I’m grateful for mein liebe and meine katze, and all the experiences I’ve had since 2019 onwards. I’ve travelled more, made new friends (without making them through my partner!) I’m changing career.

    I guess I’m just writing this out to solidify that the past sucked, but my present and future don’t at all! C’mon neurons, form those deliciously new happy pathways, dammit!