Family gathering on Sunday, no I just have those awful feelings of inadequacy again. I mask it up really well when I’m around them, but the anxiety of it builds in the lead up to the event.
tw - sa and abuse mentioned
This pervasive feeling of inadequacy builds up everytime I see them. My cousins all have good jobs and careers and buy their parents nice gifts for their birthdays and I just haven’t been able to do that for dad. Like, no wonder I feel like a fkn bum around them, and I feel like dad doesn’t care to reach out, I never have been successful enough to afford gifts or anything. I have always felt behind in life. I dread it so so much. I realise much of this is probably due to my own feelings about myself, but without any outside comfort from them, it’s hard to know if it’s just me or they really feel that way.
I also realise it might be due to my trauma, being “left behind”. I’ve had to play catch up financially and I’m still no where near where my cousins are. They haven’t dealt with a sexually abusive grandparent (mums dad, NOT my opa lol), a negligent paranoid schizophrenic mum, or 8 years of severe abuse from a partner. I gotta try to be nice to myself, but it just feels like none of them care. My aunt’s have kids (my cousin’s), my uncle is childfree, and dad just… Doesn’t reach out to me just to talk. And I isolate myself because I feel like the black sheep. I scared of being vulnerable and talking to them, because I’m so afraid of being rejected anyway.
Guess I just keep going to therapy and working on what I can, what I have the power to change. I just hate how all these feelings bubble up when a family gathering is coming up
Sorry everyone, I just, don’t have anyone else to vent to about this. Feel free to ignore :)
One thing I’ve learned is that you can go for two hours then bail. You don’t have to be the last to leave, you can even be the first. I’m the oldest and brokest of my cousins.
You have no idea how much that shit sets you back in life. While other kids are building skills and confidence and networking you’re stuck in survival mode and start out at a massive disadvantage.
Look at it like this. If you’re not able to thrive to that level yet and unable to provide whatever it is that they want, is it really your fault? What did they give you? It was their job to build you up and since that didn’t happen they don’t reap the fruits.
I get it logically and intellectually, I’ve read books and studies about how the brain physically changes due to trauma and how much that sets back children, and ends up having a detrimental effect on the adults they grow up to be.
more tw
I remember telling my dad how much I wanted to get away from mum, and he didn’t do anything about it. I know why (she accused him of doing things to me he never did and I think he was afraid of her) but it still hurts so much. I almost can’t help but be jealous of my cousin’s relationship with him, how he was there for them when their dad walked out.
Maybe I remind my parents too much of each other and they don’t like me. Too much like mum for dad, too much like dad for mum. I didn’t choose to be here ffs and I’ve tried to remove myself too many times to count; but I guess the universe wants me here for some reason idfk
It’s really tough going through all the emotions and pain of getting out of bad relationship dynamics. I look at my sibs and some are happy with the way thing are, they are the abusers, and others are miserable. They are the victims. But none seem to make efforts to question or change . They seem more stable but stable as what?
I guess they just don’t see that, they’re the sort of people to bury their heads in the sand and don’t ask anything. Which I guess is their way of respecting my trauma, but I feel invisible.
And thank you, if feels like a massive accomplishment, and I’m proud of myself on a logical level. But it would be nice to have some family validate that for me to I guess.
I appreciate you understanding honestly and truly 💜💜💜
A lot of could just be…well how do you approach a subject like that? I don’ t mean just checking in saying “howya doing?” but even acknowledging the depth and breadth of something like that is just something a lot of people just can’t fucking handle or even begin to handle, so they get weird about it and decide pretending after the fact is a tactic. Which doesn’t fucking help, but at the same time, aggravatingly, you can’t fault them for not being able to handle it.
Thank you, I don’t mean to bring the thread down and trauma dump and shit. I do appreciate you listening to me and understanding, it means the world and more to me 💜💜💜
Family gathering on Sunday, no I just have those awful feelings of inadequacy again. I mask it up really well when I’m around them, but the anxiety of it builds in the lead up to the event.
tw - sa and abuse mentioned
This pervasive feeling of inadequacy builds up everytime I see them. My cousins all have good jobs and careers and buy their parents nice gifts for their birthdays and I just haven’t been able to do that for dad. Like, no wonder I feel like a fkn bum around them, and I feel like dad doesn’t care to reach out, I never have been successful enough to afford gifts or anything. I have always felt behind in life. I dread it so so much. I realise much of this is probably due to my own feelings about myself, but without any outside comfort from them, it’s hard to know if it’s just me or they really feel that way.
I also realise it might be due to my trauma, being “left behind”. I’ve had to play catch up financially and I’m still no where near where my cousins are. They haven’t dealt with a sexually abusive grandparent (mums dad, NOT my opa lol), a negligent paranoid schizophrenic mum, or 8 years of severe abuse from a partner. I gotta try to be nice to myself, but it just feels like none of them care. My aunt’s have kids (my cousin’s), my uncle is childfree, and dad just… Doesn’t reach out to me just to talk. And I isolate myself because I feel like the black sheep. I scared of being vulnerable and talking to them, because I’m so afraid of being rejected anyway.
Guess I just keep going to therapy and working on what I can, what I have the power to change. I just hate how all these feelings bubble up when a family gathering is coming up
Sorry everyone, I just, don’t have anyone else to vent to about this. Feel free to ignore :)
One thing I’ve learned is that you can go for two hours then bail. You don’t have to be the last to leave, you can even be the first. I’m the oldest and brokest of my cousins.
Ignore can function multiple directions. Hugs.
Mate, just don’t go. Look after you. You owe nobody anything. Hugs ❤️
I already said I’d go, but I’m seriously considering bailing. Thank you for validating that 💜💜
You don’t need to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.
You have no idea how much that shit sets you back in life. While other kids are building skills and confidence and networking you’re stuck in survival mode and start out at a massive disadvantage.
Look at it like this. If you’re not able to thrive to that level yet and unable to provide whatever it is that they want, is it really your fault? What did they give you? It was their job to build you up and since that didn’t happen they don’t reap the fruits.
I think they get what they gave. /shrug
I get it logically and intellectually, I’ve read books and studies about how the brain physically changes due to trauma and how much that sets back children, and ends up having a detrimental effect on the adults they grow up to be.
more tw
I remember telling my dad how much I wanted to get away from mum, and he didn’t do anything about it. I know why (she accused him of doing things to me he never did and I think he was afraid of her) but it still hurts so much. I almost can’t help but be jealous of my cousin’s relationship with him, how he was there for them when their dad walked out.
Maybe I remind my parents too much of each other and they don’t like me. Too much like mum for dad, too much like dad for mum. I didn’t choose to be here ffs and I’ve tried to remove myself too many times to count; but I guess the universe wants me here for some reason idfk
Yeah sorry, not criticising. Just reinforcing that you don’t owe them anything.
I know :) I promise I didn’t think you were criticising me!! 💜💜
All good!
I bet Spud gives them more time and care they ever gave her.
Agreed
You’re not behind, you 1) survived 2) are getting healthy and 3) are starting to thrive.
that’s a bigger accomplishment.
I agree.
spoiler
It’s really tough going through all the emotions and pain of getting out of bad relationship dynamics. I look at my sibs and some are happy with the way thing are, they are the abusers, and others are miserable. They are the victims. But none seem to make efforts to question or change . They seem more stable but stable as what?
I guess they just don’t see that, they’re the sort of people to bury their heads in the sand and don’t ask anything. Which I guess is their way of respecting my trauma, but I feel invisible.
And thank you, if feels like a massive accomplishment, and I’m proud of myself on a logical level. But it would be nice to have some family validate that for me to I guess.
I appreciate you understanding honestly and truly 💜💜💜
A lot of could just be…well how do you approach a subject like that? I don’ t mean just checking in saying “howya doing?” but even acknowledging the depth and breadth of something like that is just something a lot of people just can’t fucking handle or even begin to handle, so they get weird about it and decide pretending after the fact is a tactic. Which doesn’t fucking help, but at the same time, aggravatingly, you can’t fault them for not being able to handle it.
You are amazing and we all love and respect you so much. 😘😘😘
Thank you, I don’t mean to bring the thread down and trauma dump and shit. I do appreciate you listening to me and understanding, it means the world and more to me 💜💜💜
💜💜💜💜