My boyfriend didn’t get me anything for Christmas, but I got him something. We have been dating for six months. I got him something for his birthday as well.
It’s not even the fact that I didn’t receive some object. It’s just that he probably didn’t even think of me, until I gave him something. I told him a card is fine, and now he’s saying he’s still drafting it because of his difficulties with spelling. It’s been two and a half weeks.
I’m going to attempt to talk to him about this without sounding like an asshole
My biggest concern here is his excuse about spelling, combined with your concerns about sounding “lika an asshole” when you speak to him.
For a start the excuse is bullshit. He is not writing a thesis, it’s a card. And if writing a card is really difficult for him there is absolutely no reason he can’t do something else like buy you a bunch of flowers. Secondly, the card is really not the point - you want something that shows he was thinking about you, and him giving you a card late and only in response to a specific request from you is not showing that at all.
But the biggest concern is that his bullshit excuse is manipulative. He is trying to put himself in the position where he can play the victim, where he can twist your concerns about not getting a card into you being at fault for not being supportive of him, not appreciating how hard he has been trying to do what you want even though it’s really hard for him, for even expecting something from him that is so difficult etc.
If you do decide to talk to him about it, the conversation should go something along the lines of “I was really hurt not to get something from you for Christmas. It’s important to me that my boyfriend does something to show me he’s thinking about me on important dates” with a reply of “I’m sorry, I didn’t realise it was that important to you . I promise to do something for you at these times in the future”. There could be discussions about what dates matter, what sorts of things you like, even discussions about what he would also like, but there should not be excuses and deflections. You should definitely not end the conversation feeling that you are in the wrong, being unreasonable or anything else along those lines. You should not end up doubting the validity of your own feelings about the situation. If you do feel any of these things you are being manipulated, and this is likely an ongoing pattern in the relationship that is only going to get worse.
Thanks for this. I sent a message including what you said, and because I have a lot of emotions swirling around, I said that I deserve better and if it means that I break up with him for that to happen, then I will.
I feel like he will use his dyslexia as an excuse again or say something like, “I didn’t know what you wanted.”
He didn’t ask his mum what she wanted and still got her something.
Dyslexia is no excuse. My partner has a very phonetic spelling style and the handwriting of a lefty who has had multiply broken fingers. I get the occasional handwritten poem. They are … unique. That’s the point.
Dyslexia is no excuse. Below is the card my dyslexic 63yo partner gave me for my 50th
I still have NFI what it means, but it was attempted with great care and love, and would have taken a lot of effort for him. This act alone made up for a lot. Your boyfriend is not doing this for you. He is making excuses and perhaps getting more out of the relationship than he is giving. Time for him to make an effort, big time. If he doesn’t… well, I think you well know the natural consequence.
Punt this oblivious bastard. He clearly does not care enough about you to pay any attention to your needs and wants, even when these are reasonable. Possibly including the season of the year. And you would have to be deaf, blind and demented not to notice that xmas was happening. He’s taking you for granted. His needs are being met. Yours aren’t and probably won’t be. You deserve better.
If you want to give him a second chance to get it right, see if he remembers Valentine’s Day. If he ignores this too - move out stat. He’s not ready for any kind of relationship with another human being. Again, you deserve better.
I might be a bit behind the times, but is this the guy from the bar?
It’s not something you might want to hear, but you generally wouldn’t treat a good friend like that, let alone a girlfriend. Please don’t ever minimise yourself or your feelings, it just both enables him and subconsciously reinforces that you’ll tolerate this.
His excuse… not up to scratch. He knows how to use a mobile phone, right? If that’s the case I hope you can see how his excuse looks now?
Exactly. There’s spellcheck and dictation. And he is doing a Bachelor degree (at some private uni but still) that requires him to read and write. Yes he hands in his shit late because it takes him longer to process and write stuff, but I wasn’t asking him to write me an essay or a thesis.
Sometimes it’s too late once the horse has bolted. I’d let this one go but the next important milestone I would be reminding him weeks in advance. Eg. “It’s my birthday on [date]”. A week before you then remind him again “I can’t wait to see what you get me”. You’ve now painted it in red across his forehead. If he shows no interest then I would reconsider my relationship.
This isn’t the behaviour of a caring partner. I’m really sorry to say it but it sounds like this guy’s heart isn’t in it. He’s not even managing to do the bare minimum let alone make you a priority and I don’t think he’s even worth the trouble of talking to about it.
You deserve better.
You could have someone that genuinely thinks of you and returns gestures of affection without being wrangled. You could have someone who actually wants to act like you’re together.
My boyfriend didn’t get me anything for Christmas, but I got him something. We have been dating for six months. I got him something for his birthday as well.
It’s not even the fact that I didn’t receive some object. It’s just that he probably didn’t even think of me, until I gave him something. I told him a card is fine, and now he’s saying he’s still drafting it because of his difficulties with spelling. It’s been two and a half weeks.
I’m going to attempt to talk to him about this without sounding like an asshole
My biggest concern here is his excuse about spelling, combined with your concerns about sounding “lika an asshole” when you speak to him.
For a start the excuse is bullshit. He is not writing a thesis, it’s a card. And if writing a card is really difficult for him there is absolutely no reason he can’t do something else like buy you a bunch of flowers. Secondly, the card is really not the point - you want something that shows he was thinking about you, and him giving you a card late and only in response to a specific request from you is not showing that at all.
But the biggest concern is that his bullshit excuse is manipulative. He is trying to put himself in the position where he can play the victim, where he can twist your concerns about not getting a card into you being at fault for not being supportive of him, not appreciating how hard he has been trying to do what you want even though it’s really hard for him, for even expecting something from him that is so difficult etc.
If you do decide to talk to him about it, the conversation should go something along the lines of “I was really hurt not to get something from you for Christmas. It’s important to me that my boyfriend does something to show me he’s thinking about me on important dates” with a reply of “I’m sorry, I didn’t realise it was that important to you . I promise to do something for you at these times in the future”. There could be discussions about what dates matter, what sorts of things you like, even discussions about what he would also like, but there should not be excuses and deflections. You should definitely not end the conversation feeling that you are in the wrong, being unreasonable or anything else along those lines. You should not end up doubting the validity of your own feelings about the situation. If you do feel any of these things you are being manipulated, and this is likely an ongoing pattern in the relationship that is only going to get worse.
Thanks for this. I sent a message including what you said, and because I have a lot of emotions swirling around, I said that I deserve better and if it means that I break up with him for that to happen, then I will.
I feel like he will use his dyslexia as an excuse again or say something like, “I didn’t know what you wanted.”
He didn’t ask his mum what she wanted and still got her something.
Dyslexia is no excuse. My partner has a very phonetic spelling style and the handwriting of a lefty who has had multiply broken fingers. I get the occasional handwritten poem. They are … unique. That’s the point.
Dyslexia is no excuse. Below is the card my dyslexic 63yo partner gave me for my 50th
I still have NFI what it means, but it was attempted with great care and love, and would have taken a lot of effort for him. This act alone made up for a lot. Your boyfriend is not doing this for you. He is making excuses and perhaps getting more out of the relationship than he is giving. Time for him to make an effort, big time. If he doesn’t… well, I think you well know the natural consequence.
Do they speak any other languages?
No, unless you’re talking culinary terms. (Was a chef for 35 or so years).
Context helps with palaeography. Best I can suggest they are calling themselves either your little doughnut, or motivational speaker. 🤷🏻♀️
Punt this oblivious bastard. He clearly does not care enough about you to pay any attention to your needs and wants, even when these are reasonable. Possibly including the season of the year. And you would have to be deaf, blind and demented not to notice that xmas was happening. He’s taking you for granted. His needs are being met. Yours aren’t and probably won’t be. You deserve better.
If you want to give him a second chance to get it right, see if he remembers Valentine’s Day. If he ignores this too - move out stat. He’s not ready for any kind of relationship with another human being. Again, you deserve better.
Yeah exactly, it’s not even about the gift giving itself. It’s about the needs
It’s also about thoughtfulness and care towards your partner.
I might be a bit behind the times, but is this the guy from the bar?
It’s not something you might want to hear, but you generally wouldn’t treat a good friend like that, let alone a girlfriend. Please don’t ever minimise yourself or your feelings, it just both enables him and subconsciously reinforces that you’ll tolerate this.
His excuse… not up to scratch. He knows how to use a mobile phone, right? If that’s the case I hope you can see how his excuse looks now?
Yes it is. Good memory!
Thank you :)
🖤
hrmm In this day and age I’m not buying that.
I’m not very good at relationship advice but I too would talk to him about it and see what happens.
Exactly. There’s spellcheck and dictation. And he is doing a Bachelor degree (at some private uni but still) that requires him to read and write. Yes he hands in his shit late because it takes him longer to process and write stuff, but I wasn’t asking him to write me an essay or a thesis.
Sometimes it’s too late once the horse has bolted. I’d let this one go but the next important milestone I would be reminding him weeks in advance. Eg. “It’s my birthday on [date]”. A week before you then remind him again “I can’t wait to see what you get me”. You’ve now painted it in red across his forehead. If he shows no interest then I would reconsider my relationship.
My birthday is four months away. I don’t know if I can wait that long.
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. Let that be your dies irae.
I was thinking this too!
Punt him. You’ve just admitted you’re already in an untenable position. Ain’t nobody got time for that shit
What is his family like? They might not be gift givers and that’s how he grew up.
I know he gives presents to his immediate family. He literally sent me a message saying what he got for Christmas as well.
In that case, he’s stringing you along mate. Get rid of him.
Thank you. I’m talking to him about it first and if he makes excuses, he’s done. Out the window.
Be brave. You’re worthy. We are all on your side.
Fair enough but there’s really no delicate way to say “what’s going on”? Just say what you feel.
This isn’t the behaviour of a caring partner. I’m really sorry to say it but it sounds like this guy’s heart isn’t in it. He’s not even managing to do the bare minimum let alone make you a priority and I don’t think he’s even worth the trouble of talking to about it.
You deserve better.
You could have someone that genuinely thinks of you and returns gestures of affection without being wrangled. You could have someone who actually wants to act like you’re together.