I got the anxiety today fuck. Heart beating like drum, a sinking feeling in my gut as if something awful is coming, my brain won’t shut up.
tw cptsd and trauma, very long personal rant
I think that article yesterday really fucked me up. Putting aside my sentimentality of the books I have, and how I feel about him, I think I’ve just been so very triggered. I have too many memories to pull from, from childhood to late-20s, like my brain can’t pick which memory to torture me with so it’s just sending them all to the front.
And with it all, is the self-blame; as if I deserved it all. That I wasn’t a good enough daughter, or girlfriend, and that I deserved the abuse. Which I know is ridiculous, I would never ever think that of someone else’s trauma, but I beat myself up for my own trauma. Which doesn’t help anyone or anything. Why should I continue to perpetuate the abuse against myself? I don’t deserve it. But it’s been so hardwired in my neurons that I do deserve it, by my abusers, that undoing those pathways is exhausting. It’s somehow easier to let myself down, than to pull myself through it.
I keep thinking about my mum telling me I’m just like my father, that I’m a terrible daughter and friend (which is gross, she was my mum but she treated me like her trauma therapist). My ex telling me that if I wasn’t such a terrible person then they wouldn’t have to hurt me to teach me.
And I can recognise how wild and foul that all is. I can see it, but somehow I haven’t been able to internalise that it isn’t my fault, I didn’t ask for or want any of that. I needed help.
And it all comes back to how disconnected I am from dad and that side of the family. How I feel like a failure, a black sheep who can’t seem to get it together. My mother preferred my cousin (mum’s brother’s daughter), because she believed in that woo woo stuff. How dad seemed to have a close father-daughter relationship with his sisters daughter. And I’m just the only child left to rot. But I also know that no one can save me but myself. I just wish I had a family member I could talk to about this, that would hug me and tell me it’s okay, that I’m loved and worth it. But Dad said that to my cousin, mum said that to her niece.
Who do I belong to? Where is my family? I just want my dad to tell me he loves me.
And maybe it’s up to me to open that line of communication to him, but I also want him to reach out to me and ask me to talk to him. I want to feel like a daughter who’s father loves her. That I’m not a failure to him. So much of that has to do with mum driving us apart due to her own unresolved trauma, but he’s my dad and I want him to ask me to open up to him. And don’t get me wrong, dad has helped me financially since I left my ex, but I don’t want that to be the foundation of our relationship. Money can drive a family apart. I want to feel loved.
I’m an only child, and went through it all alone. What do my cousins have that I don’t? Why do I feel so left out and left behind?
Sending you loads of love and kindness. I’m glad you can recognise what your brain is doing, but brains are bloody hard things to reprogram. I hope you can take some time for yourself and do something kind for yourself that will bring you a little bit of peace and joy. You are very loved by this lovely little corner of the internet!
I got the anxiety today fuck. Heart beating like drum, a sinking feeling in my gut as if something awful is coming, my brain won’t shut up.
tw cptsd and trauma, very long personal rant
I think that article yesterday really fucked me up. Putting aside my sentimentality of the books I have, and how I feel about him, I think I’ve just been so very triggered. I have too many memories to pull from, from childhood to late-20s, like my brain can’t pick which memory to torture me with so it’s just sending them all to the front.
And with it all, is the self-blame; as if I deserved it all. That I wasn’t a good enough daughter, or girlfriend, and that I deserved the abuse. Which I know is ridiculous, I would never ever think that of someone else’s trauma, but I beat myself up for my own trauma. Which doesn’t help anyone or anything. Why should I continue to perpetuate the abuse against myself? I don’t deserve it. But it’s been so hardwired in my neurons that I do deserve it, by my abusers, that undoing those pathways is exhausting. It’s somehow easier to let myself down, than to pull myself through it.
I keep thinking about my mum telling me I’m just like my father, that I’m a terrible daughter and friend (which is gross, she was my mum but she treated me like her trauma therapist). My ex telling me that if I wasn’t such a terrible person then they wouldn’t have to hurt me to teach me.
And I can recognise how wild and foul that all is. I can see it, but somehow I haven’t been able to internalise that it isn’t my fault, I didn’t ask for or want any of that. I needed help.
And it all comes back to how disconnected I am from dad and that side of the family. How I feel like a failure, a black sheep who can’t seem to get it together. My mother preferred my cousin (mum’s brother’s daughter), because she believed in that woo woo stuff. How dad seemed to have a close father-daughter relationship with his sisters daughter. And I’m just the only child left to rot. But I also know that no one can save me but myself. I just wish I had a family member I could talk to about this, that would hug me and tell me it’s okay, that I’m loved and worth it. But Dad said that to my cousin, mum said that to her niece.
Who do I belong to? Where is my family? I just want my dad to tell me he loves me.
And maybe it’s up to me to open that line of communication to him, but I also want him to reach out to me and ask me to talk to him. I want to feel like a daughter who’s father loves her. That I’m not a failure to him. So much of that has to do with mum driving us apart due to her own unresolved trauma, but he’s my dad and I want him to ask me to open up to him. And don’t get me wrong, dad has helped me financially since I left my ex, but I don’t want that to be the foundation of our relationship. Money can drive a family apart. I want to feel loved.
I’m an only child, and went through it all alone. What do my cousins have that I don’t? Why do I feel so left out and left behind?
What have I done so wrong?
YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON.
YOU ARE AN INTELLIGENT PERSON.
You ARE A TALENTED PERSON.
YOU ARE NOT WRONG.
that is what you have done wrong
everything they have told you is the opposite of reality
hugs, you are with people who know and love you now. 😘😘😘
💜💜💜
That’s a lot to carry. And it can be really hard to give yourself the kind of grace and gentleness you give others.
Maybe a walk would help slow things down?
Sending you loads of love and kindness. I’m glad you can recognise what your brain is doing, but brains are bloody hard things to reprogram. I hope you can take some time for yourself and do something kind for yourself that will bring you a little bit of peace and joy. You are very loved by this lovely little corner of the internet!
🧸
Hugs. I hope you’re doing alright. You’ll get through this just like you have everything else