I see a lot of partnered people making some big compromises for various reasons…for the kids, for finances, because they are scared to be “alone”.
At this point in my life with control over my own space and what I do, it would really have to take someone extraordinary to feel as though they were adding to my life rather than me making big sacrifices.
And honestly the thought of trying to date in the hope of that elusive someone feels like a very big gamble with poor odds. If you enjoyed dating and meeting new people, the process even though you don’t win might be bearable, but I don’t really care for it tbh.
If this stage in life is not conducive to a relationship, or is pleasant enough without one, then you’re under no obligation to have one, regardless of the opinions of family and friends. I have a lot of regrets over how little time of my younger life I’ve really lived for me.
Otherwise, I think the important thing is to find someone who wants the same as you, no matter what that is. If you’re a “meet in the middle,” compromising person then it’s important that the person you’re with also has those qualities, or you’ll find you’re always the one having to be flexible, and may end up feeling taken advantage of. If you’re an individualist who wants to have a lot of independence and “room to move” within a relationship, and can’t bear the thought of “living in someone else’s pockets” then it’s vital to live true to that while that’s how your life is. A couple of friends of mine are very career forward people, spend a lot of time separate from each other due to the demands of their careers, but undeniably love and respect each other and aren’t clingy. It’s perfect for them. How do you know how it’s going to be with someone? You don’t always, or you think you know people but then they change, or you find out things you didn’t know. The arrival of children can complicate things that before seemed much simpler and more straightforward.
I sacrificed a lot for someone who hurt me for over 8 years, in varying ways. I grew up abused and it set me up for abuse later on because I had no idea what was normal. I almost had a kid with the cunt (thank fuck I made my own money and bought a plan b pill).
But I would never let myself do that again. I know so much more now, about people, the world, and right and wrong. I got extremely lucky my one-night-stand turned out to be my person. We’re better together than we are separately. But if I hadn’t of met my current partner, I think I’d still be single after leaving my ex. Dating seems so dangerous now for vagina-owners (what with the tater-tots and “alpha” male shite).
I’d never change myself ever again for another person. I’d compromise (like quitting smoking), but not on the big things (buying a house, having kids, etc).
@wscholermann@Seagoon_ Fatherhood means - after a while you prefer the crust. All relationships involve some form of compromise. It takes a lifetime to find a good one and maintain it. My marriage and family life is worth it. I see more material on throuples and other arrangements, but that stuff is for my kids gen to work out - looks like a lot more work
Heartbreak and wasted time is a small price to pay for finding someone to share your life and love with.
Our society values individualism to such a degree, that the idea of sacrificing something for someone you love seems unfair or that you’re “losing” something.
I’ve noticed it with people I’ve dated that are western. Nothing wrong with it, it’s just different.
But it never sat well with me. Seems a bit transactional…
Admittedly my culture is different, so that’s probably why I don’t mind compromise. In a way, it’s an expected part of life. And so we work with that instead of fighting it.
That said, there are fundamental aspects of who I am that I cannot compromise on. Because if I did, I’d end up resenting the person I’m supposed to love.
The thing is, compromise doesn’t always start out as effort. Early on in a relationship (or maybe youth is a factor?) it can feel easy to work with differences. And then over the years as we grow and mature sometimes our wants, needs and habits evolve and set firmer. Our world view can change, our life goals can change. But you might still love the person you’re with so you continue to try and make it work. Sometimes that works out and the relationships stays strong, sometimes it doesn’t. I think if I was starting over again at my age I too would be a lot less flexible in what I wanted in a partner. I know myself better.
The other reason why people might stay in non-perfect relationships is that the way our society works, it’s centred around a couple being the primary relationship unit. So doing things like housing, child rearing, holiday companion, someone to help if you’re sick, someone to chat to if you had a bad day at work, etc, are all often done with a partner. Without a partner it can be hard work to build a network that can fill those roles, or you have to be happy to do it on your own. So yes there’s compromises, but if the partners value the companionship enough they may choose to tolerate the annoyances and personality differences.
I guess the smoking example is a good one. I really hate it, but maybe could live with it if other things ok. I couldn’t live with major ideological or political differences.
I see a lot of partnered people making some big compromises for various reasons…for the kids, for finances, because they are scared to be “alone”.
At this point in my life with control over my own space and what I do, it would really have to take someone extraordinary to feel as though they were adding to my life rather than me making big sacrifices.
And honestly the thought of trying to date in the hope of that elusive someone feels like a very big gamble with poor odds. If you enjoyed dating and meeting new people, the process even though you don’t win might be bearable, but I don’t really care for it tbh.
If this stage in life is not conducive to a relationship, or is pleasant enough without one, then you’re under no obligation to have one, regardless of the opinions of family and friends. I have a lot of regrets over how little time of my younger life I’ve really lived for me.
Otherwise, I think the important thing is to find someone who wants the same as you, no matter what that is. If you’re a “meet in the middle,” compromising person then it’s important that the person you’re with also has those qualities, or you’ll find you’re always the one having to be flexible, and may end up feeling taken advantage of. If you’re an individualist who wants to have a lot of independence and “room to move” within a relationship, and can’t bear the thought of “living in someone else’s pockets” then it’s vital to live true to that while that’s how your life is. A couple of friends of mine are very career forward people, spend a lot of time separate from each other due to the demands of their careers, but undeniably love and respect each other and aren’t clingy. It’s perfect for them. How do you know how it’s going to be with someone? You don’t always, or you think you know people but then they change, or you find out things you didn’t know. The arrival of children can complicate things that before seemed much simpler and more straightforward.
I sacrificed a lot for someone who hurt me for over 8 years, in varying ways. I grew up abused and it set me up for abuse later on because I had no idea what was normal. I almost had a kid with the cunt (thank fuck I made my own money and bought a plan b pill).
But I would never let myself do that again. I know so much more now, about people, the world, and right and wrong. I got extremely lucky my one-night-stand turned out to be my person. We’re better together than we are separately. But if I hadn’t of met my current partner, I think I’d still be single after leaving my ex. Dating seems so dangerous now for vagina-owners (what with the tater-tots and “alpha” male shite).
I’d never change myself ever again for another person. I’d compromise (like quitting smoking), but not on the big things (buying a house, having kids, etc).
I don’t know, but it scares and confuses me too
The difficulty level of dating increases with the gay overlay as well, but for different reasons.
Love makes you compromise. Love makes you sacrifice. If you have love for one another those things are easier.
A person who loves you would never ask for compromises on important things like belief, children, vocation. etc
I don’t know. I think there’s room to compromise on everything.
Here’s an example. One person I know has a husband that smokes and has no intention of quitting, and now their children also smoke.
I wouldn’t even get into a relationship with a smoker to begin with because for me that’s a deal breaker. Same with any other substance abuse problem.
100% agree. Life is full of compromise.
@wscholermann @Seagoon_ Fatherhood means - after a while you prefer the crust. All relationships involve some form of compromise. It takes a lifetime to find a good one and maintain it. My marriage and family life is worth it. I see more material on throuples and other arrangements, but that stuff is for my kids gen to work out - looks like a lot more work
I’m on the other side of the fence.
Heartbreak and wasted time is a small price to pay for finding someone to share your life and love with.
Our society values individualism to such a degree, that the idea of sacrificing something for someone you love seems unfair or that you’re “losing” something.
I’ve noticed it with people I’ve dated that are western. Nothing wrong with it, it’s just different.
But it never sat well with me. Seems a bit transactional…
Admittedly my culture is different, so that’s probably why I don’t mind compromise. In a way, it’s an expected part of life. And so we work with that instead of fighting it.
That said, there are fundamental aspects of who I am that I cannot compromise on. Because if I did, I’d end up resenting the person I’m supposed to love.
/mild rant
The thing is, compromise doesn’t always start out as effort. Early on in a relationship (or maybe youth is a factor?) it can feel easy to work with differences. And then over the years as we grow and mature sometimes our wants, needs and habits evolve and set firmer. Our world view can change, our life goals can change. But you might still love the person you’re with so you continue to try and make it work. Sometimes that works out and the relationships stays strong, sometimes it doesn’t. I think if I was starting over again at my age I too would be a lot less flexible in what I wanted in a partner. I know myself better.
The other reason why people might stay in non-perfect relationships is that the way our society works, it’s centred around a couple being the primary relationship unit. So doing things like housing, child rearing, holiday companion, someone to help if you’re sick, someone to chat to if you had a bad day at work, etc, are all often done with a partner. Without a partner it can be hard work to build a network that can fill those roles, or you have to be happy to do it on your own. So yes there’s compromises, but if the partners value the companionship enough they may choose to tolerate the annoyances and personality differences.
@SituationCake @wscholermann
Out-of-copyright Ukulele strum by an Australian composer and a theme for faithful relationships https://sdarby.au/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/Take-Me-1924-Lumsdaine.pdf
And the tune, for those who don’t read music good https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9z5waeS4-aU
I mean what is the difference in your mind between olerating a minor annoyance versus a major compromise?
I guess the smoking example is a good one. I really hate it, but maybe could live with it if other things ok. I couldn’t live with major ideological or political differences.