Saw the boyfriend today. He asked me why I didn’t tell him how I felt when I gave him his present because I told him it was fine then but sent a text saying how hurt I was two weeks later. So what I took from that is maybe I should be more open with my emotions in the moment. I did say it is tricky for me to pinpoint how I feel and that the emotions and thoughts don’t come to me until I’ve had some time alone. I think this is something I could work on in therapy. I didn’t think alexithymia was something I struggled with but maybe that is actually the case.
I ended up saying don’t worry about the card (he still hadn’t done it) but discussed a little about our expectations about important dates. Didn’t mention my birthday which is still a few months away (does he even remember when my birthday is lol) but he did bring up Valentine’s Day and said we should go out for it which is cool.
He apologised for hurting my feelings too and I just felt overwhelmed and almost burst into tears. I feel weird showing raw emotion in front of him for some reason.
All I can focus on is the way I express my emotions because other people have noticed mood swings.
I hate giving relationship advice but here we go. If you are giving more than receiving then it is not a relationship. He gave and received gifts at Christmas. He understands how shit works. IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S HIM. He needs to step up. No one needs to be reminded to give a gift. Ease up. Let him do the chasing now and then you’ll see how much he really cares.
The problem isn’t you or the way you respond. And to have mood swings in this situation is very normal. This guy is making zero effort then making excuses and telling you what you want to hear when called on it. It feels one sided and like he’s kind of just stringing you along.
I know it’s really tough being single if you don’t have a supportive family or a strong support network in general, especially if going through hard times. It gets lonely. I’m not going to judge you for seeking what comfort you can and staying with him if you want to. You can completely ignore this too because I am giving unsolicited advice and being extremely blunt about something sensitive that’s none of my business.
I just wanted you to know that being with someone should be a much simpler and happier experience, and you deserve to have that. Your partner should be stoked to be with you. It really isn’t too much to ask.
Ps. Also while I said I wasn’t going to judge (and I’m not) please be careful as some types of people (romantic or platonic) like to chip your confidence down so you will tolerate them as their behaviour gets worse. Especially if they find someone who is already isolated or feeling low.
You’re already questioning your emotions and reactions to his behaviour after he questioned it. You’re already doubting yourself. He’s already set very low expectations for how he can behave with you. So just… you know. Be careful.
If this lack of care gets even more blatant, if he starts saying little things that feel bad or strange or stick in your head, mentions or checks out other women, starts comparing or making critical remarks, or you just start feeling more anxious or moodier than normal - then you would be doing yourself a big favour to just stop trying to talk, analyse or fix things and just BAIL.
Your emotions are your friends. They tell you when something is wrong.
It’s a fallacy that we experience one emotion at a time, we can experience all kinds of emotions at the same time. So of course it might not be simple to know exactly what we are feeling in the moment. But we do generally know if we feel negative or positive about an event.
If there is confusion it’s because the reasons/excuses people tell us for their actions don’t match their actions.
Inability to give a present doesn’t match up with the fact he gives presents to his family.
This is not progress. This is you coming away from yet another conversation feeling responsible for his actions. To the point where you are diagnosing yourself with psychological problems and absolved him of needing to make even the token gesture you asked for.
His apology is a non-apology that still puts responsibility on you. He has laid the cause of the problem on you for not being open enough about your feelings, not him being an arsehole who not only failed to get you any sort of gift for Christmas, and then when you gave him a present didn’t do what any decent person would do and actually raise the issue of whether he had messed up himself. What you have done is smooth things over on the day, give him space to raise the issue when he may feel less embarrassed, and then when he failed to do that raised the issue with him like a mature adult does, including expressing your feelings. You have nothing to apologise for, and his miserable excuse for an apology is just further manipulation, reinforcing the idea that your feelings are somehow the problem and not his actions.
If you have been having mood swings severe enough for other people to remark upon them to you the most likely cause is this relationship, not any sort of problem with you. And if people have not been saying this to you directly, think carefully about where you get the idea that other people are saying this, because if that has ever come from things he has said to you it is an even bigger red flag than all of the others.
Saw the boyfriend today. He asked me why I didn’t tell him how I felt when I gave him his present because I told him it was fine then but sent a text saying how hurt I was two weeks later. So what I took from that is maybe I should be more open with my emotions in the moment. I did say it is tricky for me to pinpoint how I feel and that the emotions and thoughts don’t come to me until I’ve had some time alone. I think this is something I could work on in therapy. I didn’t think alexithymia was something I struggled with but maybe that is actually the case.
I ended up saying don’t worry about the card (he still hadn’t done it) but discussed a little about our expectations about important dates. Didn’t mention my birthday which is still a few months away (does he even remember when my birthday is lol) but he did bring up Valentine’s Day and said we should go out for it which is cool.
He apologised for hurting my feelings too and I just felt overwhelmed and almost burst into tears. I feel weird showing raw emotion in front of him for some reason.
All I can focus on is the way I express my emotions because other people have noticed mood swings.
But all in all, progress.
I hate giving relationship advice but here we go. If you are giving more than receiving then it is not a relationship. He gave and received gifts at Christmas. He understands how shit works. IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S HIM. He needs to step up. No one needs to be reminded to give a gift. Ease up. Let him do the chasing now and then you’ll see how much he really cares.
Thanks for your advice. I’m definitely going to ease up a bit.
This is honestly the vibe rn https://m.youtube.com/watch?si=WEAFgJ0Wcla4-cR7&fbclid=PAAaY4uVT7L-bN7IITbCJUluOyIwaa1NeAjX2sIU0B7qegtbiu_7A3sforpQg&v=L5ZL84PHiTY&feature=youtu.be
The problem isn’t you or the way you respond. And to have mood swings in this situation is very normal. This guy is making zero effort then making excuses and telling you what you want to hear when called on it. It feels one sided and like he’s kind of just stringing you along.
I know it’s really tough being single if you don’t have a supportive family or a strong support network in general, especially if going through hard times. It gets lonely. I’m not going to judge you for seeking what comfort you can and staying with him if you want to. You can completely ignore this too because I am giving unsolicited advice and being extremely blunt about something sensitive that’s none of my business.
I just wanted you to know that being with someone should be a much simpler and happier experience, and you deserve to have that. Your partner should be stoked to be with you. It really isn’t too much to ask.
Ps. Also while I said I wasn’t going to judge (and I’m not) please be careful as some types of people (romantic or platonic) like to chip your confidence down so you will tolerate them as their behaviour gets worse. Especially if they find someone who is already isolated or feeling low.
You’re already questioning your emotions and reactions to his behaviour after he questioned it. You’re already doubting yourself. He’s already set very low expectations for how he can behave with you. So just… you know. Be careful.
If this lack of care gets even more blatant, if he starts saying little things that feel bad or strange or stick in your head, mentions or checks out other women, starts comparing or making critical remarks, or you just start feeling more anxious or moodier than normal - then you would be doing yourself a big favour to just stop trying to talk, analyse or fix things and just BAIL.
Your emotions are your friends. They tell you when something is wrong.
It’s a fallacy that we experience one emotion at a time, we can experience all kinds of emotions at the same time. So of course it might not be simple to know exactly what we are feeling in the moment. But we do generally know if we feel negative or positive about an event.
If there is confusion it’s because the reasons/excuses people tell us for their actions don’t match their actions.
Inability to give a present doesn’t match up with the fact he gives presents to his family.
This is not progress. This is you coming away from yet another conversation feeling responsible for his actions. To the point where you are diagnosing yourself with psychological problems and absolved him of needing to make even the token gesture you asked for.
His apology is a non-apology that still puts responsibility on you. He has laid the cause of the problem on you for not being open enough about your feelings, not him being an arsehole who not only failed to get you any sort of gift for Christmas, and then when you gave him a present didn’t do what any decent person would do and actually raise the issue of whether he had messed up himself. What you have done is smooth things over on the day, give him space to raise the issue when he may feel less embarrassed, and then when he failed to do that raised the issue with him like a mature adult does, including expressing your feelings. You have nothing to apologise for, and his miserable excuse for an apology is just further manipulation, reinforcing the idea that your feelings are somehow the problem and not his actions.
If you have been having mood swings severe enough for other people to remark upon them to you the most likely cause is this relationship, not any sort of problem with you. And if people have not been saying this to you directly, think carefully about where you get the idea that other people are saying this, because if that has ever come from things he has said to you it is an even bigger red flag than all of the others.