my scotch bonnet plant toppled, lost a quarter of its soil and half the plant tore off too - when I returned I thought it was a goner, especially as despite plenty of watering, there were these whitish webs and fuzz covering thr whole plant with no good leaves left.

The (admittedly overexposed for this time of year) manzano chilli also lost about 40% of its leaves/tips to that, so I thought shit, I’m dealing with some kind of nightshade mildew on top of it all, shit’s fucked because I generally suck at managing pest and disease other than randomly spraying eco oil on a wing and a prayer.

Plus, my already-struggling twin lips salvia (likely rootbound) had also completely dessicated, so I figured that was done for too, but hey, my bad for not repotting it earlier.

But within a few days the manzano seemed to perk up again with whatever leaves it had alive. Okay, maybe it’s salvageable, thank goodness because this is the one I’m banking on keeping as long as possible.

I didn’t look at the scotch bonnet or twin lips though, because they just looked more and more dead every day, and even as I watered them out of habit I would feel a cruel parallel to the existential pangs I get when I wake up in the mornings… why water dead plants? Life is loss…

I completely ignored the dying plants, and the plethora of cuttings and dead shit etc that needed tidying up on the balcony, plus my graveyard of dead plants indoors, because the whole thing just reeked of sad failure and painful loss, and I’d had absolutely enough of that this year, tyvm.

Today, I woke up again with that horrible bodily feeling of pointlessness despite a wonderful day yesterday, but I mercifully held onto a sliver of intention to screw my emotions shut, and just clean out the dead plants/plant matter both inside and outside the house in time for the new year.

Don’t do it out of obligation, I thought; don’t dwell on the losses, do it because clearing out the space feels good - even if it doesn’t stop the endless reality that more plants could get sick and die, why keep the dead ones around festering, gathering more dust and mites and neglect?

So, once I got up to pee I tried to make the best of my physical momentum and headed outside to grab the watering can, and survey the painful task ahead of acknowledging loss and failure face to face. I was really not looking forward to it…

Much to my incredible surprise… Perhaps because of the spell of overcast days… The scotch bonnet that I’d written off was bursting with new life, through thr death and decay! And even the twin lips had a couple of tiny new green shoots appearing right at the bottom.

I have to admit, I felt humbled and moved by the tenacity of these plants to pull through and respond to my seemingly pointless watering. Sure, it doesn’t always happen; I’ve had plenty of plants die for good after neglect, and maybe the twin lips might not make it…

But I guess the universe doesn’t just send awful messages, and today’s lovely one is that even in a seemingly futile situation, good things can happen with the right investment in places we can’t or won’t see.

So I trimmed off the dead bits on the scotch bonnet in the hopes it’ll give the new leaves a better chance and I’m currently doing a massive clear out in a much less depressed state of mind.