Today I rock up, old mate is already in his classic bad mood, and after discussing the stuff we’re meant to be talking about (during which he is dismissive and presumptuous), I carefully bring up the topic of the annual review… and guess what…

I’m not even having one . Because he doesn’t want any more “unnecessarily difficult” conversations and he feels he’s spoken enough to me already. Oh, but his one bit of feedback is that I haven’t been bringing in enough invoices and it’s well below everyone else’s. And that’s it.

No option to defend myself, about how dealing with my mental health has been a huge time and money sink (I’m sure it would’ve been easier if I’d just broken my leg or got long Covid). Or how a lot of my time spent helping to manage and provide ongoing support to everyone else’s projects over the years has resulted in a permanent boost in capacity for everyone else. Or how his uninvolved “management’” is not sustainable with his expectations.

I’ve had an entire lifetime of undervaluing myself because I’ve been conditioned to stay in line - “you’re not good enough”. “People will never understand you so you need to shut up and comply”. “Stop resting on your laurels, you’ll just get lazy and complacent”. “It’s not that special, get over yourself, stop complaining and be grateful”, etc.

You know what? People in my industry - even from fucking overseas - have literally tracked me down online after coming across posts under a pseudonym with no link to my name, because they were impressed with what I’ve done in that sphere (almost all of which I’ve done on my own time and much of which has directly benefited business processes, with no prompting or guidance whatsoever) My boss even KNOWS this. Word has gotten to him!

But I almost felt like I couldn’t even enjoy the opportunity and positivity because it got rained on by someone who doesn’t even want to acknowledge the value I bring and can continue to bring - not as direct billing but as a multiplier for everyone else’s productivity - and happiness. (It’s just not his so who cares, right?)

Then he spent the rest of the morning being unreasonably pissed off at people who had made minor mistakes and blaming others for being passive when he’s the one refusing to take leadership and accountability for change HE wants to see.

By the way there’s nobody else in the office now and he was all alone and he was commenting on that too like others were being avoidant.

Well, my boss could be a lot worse and I remain very grateful that the business helped make my dreams of staying on in this country come true.

But if this is how it’s going to keep on going… If he’s willing to throw so much away just so he can huff around and stamp his foot when he’s feeling cranky, but also refuse to actually put his foot down when it comes to being decisive… and he refuses to see what’s going on and make changes or get help… then I’m not throwing good effort after bad.

I’ll still be reducing my hours pro rata once I figure out what the hell it is I am going to get paid. And that’ll help me stay on a bit longer.