My husband of 17 years is a judge. Recently multiple people have come out publicly with their stories about my husband because all the complaints they have filed with the Council which deals with this have been ignored throughout the years - no investigation opened. My husband has always kept me in the dark about his work - finances, so let’s just say I have my reasons to believe the allegations. The most horrific one I’ve heard is my husband ruled that a 12-year-old consented to having sex with an adult (legal age of consent at the time was 15 in our country), so there was no conviction. The accused in this trial was wealthy. I didn’t know about this until now. Frankly I’m completely disgusted with him.
You don’t need proof of anything. If you no longer love and/or trust him. And no longer want to be in the relationship, leave.
Fortunately a judge is not required for this.
People who last 17 years don’t just hit Facebook, gym up, and quit the lawyer, they work very hard to fix issues in the relationship. Your advice, while well intentioned, is immature.
People who last 17 years do, in fact, leave their partners if the trust is irrevocably broken and the love is lost entirely. It seems more likely you took my statement of leave, and applied a meme to it and then hopped up on a fairly high horse. My advice is based on a couple decades of adult relationships and life. From reading the post, this is not a ‘oh we can work on it and figure this out together’ situation. This reads very much like a ‘this person may actually be dangerous in the long run’. In which case yeah pack a fucking bag and call your lawyer. Your comment, while antagonistic and condescending, was also naive and immature.
The fact that they’re asking Lemmy if they would see their partner the same way again indicates that it’s not past the point of no return yet. After your clarification I agree with you. When it is beyond repair, it is better to leave sooner, rather than later. But someone you promised to stay with until one of you dies, someone you’ve built a life with, and placed all of your hopes and future with, deserves the effort of trying to fix it before calling it completely broken. You deserve that too. People who are truly in love, emotionally and mentally mature, and honest & willing can work through a lot. That said, I’ll repeat that I agree with you that the relationship is over if the trust is irrevocably broken and the love is lost. It can be difficult to determine when that point is hit though, so there’s usually still some fight left in the relationship even when they’ve crossed that line.
Tfw “if you dont want to be in a relationship, leave” is evidently too controversial for you.
Well it’s a marriage, so it’s different. Because a marriage is based on a vow that explicitly involves sticking through difficult times.
It doesn’t come right out and say it directly, but the intention of marriage vows actually does include staying when you don’t feel like it.
Aight i guess thats fair. I always forget how brutally barbaric marriage is
That’s rough. I’d start with having a calm and truthful conversation, clearly establishing your worries and feelings and go from there.
Yes, but. Be prepared. Financially, mentally, and with the right information. You cannot know what will happen in this conversation.
Why? He has never once shared anything about his life, job, or finances with OP. Why would he start?
But also shame on OP for never knowing about their finances either.
Seems like you already made up your mind from reading your comments and I don’t blame you. Be sure to get a lawyer and have it all planned out before you tell him you are divorcing him, so he doesn’t screw you.
And stop discussing it on social media.
I’d want to hear his side too, but it’s likely he’ll lie if it’s true. It may be true allegations, it may be false, I don’t know what evidence you have.
Taking just one case, say the one you mentioned, I see 2 possibilities. Either he was bribed, which I’d be inclined to believe if there was more history of corruption, which sounds like may be the case, or he was threatened.
If he simply did it for money, nope. It’s try to gather some more evidence to publish and get the fuck away from him. If he has this little empathy, you may be in some danger too.
If he did get threatened, that would depend on the threats, but again, sounds like the less likely possibility.
Yeah I’d certainly leave anyone who claims a 12 year old consented to sex with an adult, especially if they were the judge
Yeah, that sucks. Sounds like he’s one of the bad ones. You didn’t know that when you married him, but you do now. You can correct the mistake and leave, because nothing good will come now that his mask has been pulled down.
You’re not the first person people like this have conned, and you won’t be the last, unfortunately. The only thing you can do is move forward with your life, without him.
All divorces suck, but yours will be especially difficult. Your husband sounds like he has all the connections and resources to make it an absolute nightmare for you.
Maybe the press will pick up on that “defamation” lawsuit he’s filing. If the facts of the case are as clear as you say, perhaps public opinion will be on your side. I’d love it if you could use his own hubris to your advantage!
Regardless, you have my condolences. You’re in a terrible situation. I’d recommend therapy to help work through it. I wish you the best.
Do you have anything like FOIA requests in your country? If so, you could request info such as rulings and potentially case details to understand more.
I imagine being a judge is hard. Following a legal line exactly could easily look like corruption, and they could easily be unhappy with the decisions they had to make, which could also explain the rationale behind not wanting to talk about work.
This is Lemmy, so you will defiantly get one-sided answers (not that they are wrong, because more often than not they are correct). So my suggestions:
- Get more info
- Use the finances as a discussion point. Not sure what divorce looks like there, but you need to be aware of your financial situation just in case. If he presses to keep it secret, he’s doing something bad. May not be what you think it is, but still bad. Use other means to figure out your finances.
- Enhance your privacy and security. This post is everywhere now. Delete the content. Use Signal to discuss this, not text messages.
- Listen to your gut, trust the evidence, and ignore the internet.
If my partner was doing things they found morally repugnant at work, because they felt bound by rules, I’d consider that a big problem.
A mature adult is supposed to decide which rules they follow.
I do think like others that regarding the law or facts, we should expect evidences before expressing a judgment
But I also think that feelings are a different story : it really depends on how you feel about the way people defends themselves. Like even if all of this is false, but he is evasive about it, it may be enough to shatter your trust and therefore your relation.
This part is up to you to determine, taking in consideration that he may be going through rough times, but you don’t need someone to be an actual baddie to dislike them, your feelings do not have to be tied to fact.
Good luck anyway, wish you strength
Reading the post title made me think “well, I guess it depends on the allegations and gravity of the corruption.” You know, some things I wouldn’t find earth shattering like shoplifting, or maybe accepting bribes which don’t hurt anyone (ex that’s probably no longer relevant: giving the cable guy $100 to get free cable)
Then I read the post body, and yikes, this is on a whole other level. And I still believe anyone is entitled the benefit of the doubt and that allegations aren’t convictions. But he’s a judge so allegations of corruption are probably the worst allegations that someone in his office could receive. Especially when you consider that he’s in a position to make other people allegations turn into acquittals, so I’d be wondering who’s doing the same for him.
And again, I don’t know enough about the situation. But if I was in your shoes I imagine I’d be equally suspicious.
You say you’re dark on the finances, would you say that together you share a lavish lifestyle? While not exactly a nail in the coffin, wealth is often an indicator of corruption.
Just to play devil’s advocate, if a group of people come together with allegations that still doesn’t mean he did it. However, if I asked him about it I couldn’t take his answer at face value either because these are serious allegations being corroborated by others. I’d imagine you’re too close to be impartial, and I’d reserve judgement until he receives… well, judgement.
Honestly though, if a judge is facing complaints of corruption then they kind of have to address them or else it indicates their corruption. If he’s been sitting on these complaints or turning them away, then I’d be highly suspicious of him.
Anyway, it sounds like these allegations have already impacted your relationship. Maybe if they were proven unfounded that might be something you could reconcile about. But if the allegations are based on truth, I’d be very careful. I wouldn’t feel safe being around someone like that personally, especially if he knew I had a low opinion of him
Every defendant deserves NOT to get prejudged.
Your own husband deserves that, too, and hopefully so much more.
Yeah fuck that guy, make him your ex-husband stat. Thats pretty unforgivable.
Overuse of the word ‘unforgivable’ is unforgivable.
Did everyone see the comment where she explains that he has a history of letting pedophiles off?
That sounds pretty damn unforgivable to me.
You already know what to do. You just need the strength to do it.
It’s time to get close to the people around you, and let them know you need their support. Because you’ll need it, but you need to do what you need to do.
So:
- There’s new information
- That you trust
- About heinous acts by your partner
No, that doesn’t sound like a scenario where you can go back to seeing them the same way. Unless you already saw them as heinous.
I’d be gone.
