This might seem rude, but I don’t intend it to be. But we talked about this the other day right? You improving your relationship with yourself? So tell me. How’s thinking about you and the ex getting back together being kind to yourself?
I’m not having a go at you. I’m hoping to give you a bit of an outside perspective where it kinda looks like you’re torturing yourself… and you know you deserve better than that.
I don’t think we’re getting back together, I’m acknowledging that now when the completely normal thought of my ex contacting me comes to mind I find myself rejecting the idea because I know she wasn’t good to me. Saying I hold a tiny amount of hope for contact also isn’t a bad thing, acknowledging the thought and the hope is much better than me hating myself for having it as that would be unproductive and unhelpful in my journey to love myself.
I can be on a journey to loving myself and healing and still mourn the loss of a relationship and a person that was important, it’s been a really fucking hard year for me and I’m actually in a pretty decent place even when I have the occasional triggering thought spirals.
I was just trying to express the fact that I’ve set a firm boundary with myself.
Edit: I do see that my comment doesn’t spell it out in those words but it was what I was trying to say.
Can proudly proclaim that whilst I still hold out the tiniest hope of hearing from my ex
Sort of normal, but shouldnt be dwelling on your mind too much
I know now that I couldn’t have a relationship with them unless they owned their behaviour
So there was behavioral issues
how I should be treated.
Bad ones by the sound of it.
I’m not saying this to dump on you, I’m just trying to highlight this sort of thinking looks… troubling from the outside.
I’ve got this friend right? Her ex treated her like shit. She STILL talks about him, to this day. The breakup was bad. Long. Drawn out. Shes in so much a better place now. Shes in a new relationship and shes doing great, but she still talks about how shittier time it all was and wonders about the ex. And you use the exact same language.
She REALLY struggled to be single. She hated it. No matter how many times i told her, she was better off alone than in that crappy relationship, she didnt believe me. Cause deep down I dont think she thinks she deserves to be happy. Or she just hates herself so much that being with an asshole is preferable to being alone.
Possible I’m drawing connections here that don’t exist, cause I don’t know you IRL like I know my friend. And I’m sure it wasn’t ALL bad. But at the same time if it was great, it woulda worked.
But lets cut to the chase here, you can absolutely vent. But you shouldn’t NEED to set boundaries for yourself. You should respect and love yourself enough that even if they showed up at night with a boombox playing “Dont you forget about me” you’d just be like “yeah, I deserve better than this mess.” And when these things pop up (like they would for anyone), they should move like clouds across your mind. Not pull you into hypotheticals and situations that require planning.
Sorry if this sounds like a rant, you just… you don’t sound happy. And you deserve to be.
The thing is, I have ADHD and Autism, I don’t respond to a break up the same way others might, it’s just not how it works for me. My brain is literally wired to fixate on things that give me dopamine, and for all the faults, my ex also brought me a lot happiness, so it’s a slow gradual process. I am building a life for myself where I get my dopamine from a lot of sources and not just one person, So yes I do think of her occasionally and I hope for contact but I’m doing things about it. I also know it’s also because I never got that explanation that other people get when a break up happens, it wasn’t long and drawn out it was short and curt with contact dotted in there and overall a massive explanation-less experience that made it exceptionally hard for me. So maybe other people don’t have to set boundaries for themselves, but I know I do have to set them for myself because I know that I always looked at her and our relationship with rose coloured glasses. I also know that she treated me poorly at times and I have a view of where we went wrong from my perspective and I would never accept her previous behaviours in the relationship or my own, I wasn’t my best either and we didn’t bring the best out of each other. I have a balanced view but my brain is built to obsess and I am working on it whilst also being kind to myself.
I’d also like to clarify that I’m not desperate to be in a relationship, it will likely take me a long time to be truly “ready”, so I’m just dipping my toe in the water and trying to meet new people. Before my ex I was single from 21-31 years old by choice I’m very used to being single and I’m also certainly not desperate to be in a relationship with my ex.
This might seem rude, but I don’t intend it to be. But we talked about this the other day right? You improving your relationship with yourself? So tell me. How’s thinking about you and the ex getting back together being kind to yourself?
I’m not having a go at you. I’m hoping to give you a bit of an outside perspective where it kinda looks like you’re torturing yourself… and you know you deserve better than that.
I don’t think we’re getting back together, I’m acknowledging that now when the completely normal thought of my ex contacting me comes to mind I find myself rejecting the idea because I know she wasn’t good to me. Saying I hold a tiny amount of hope for contact also isn’t a bad thing, acknowledging the thought and the hope is much better than me hating myself for having it as that would be unproductive and unhelpful in my journey to love myself.
I can be on a journey to loving myself and healing and still mourn the loss of a relationship and a person that was important, it’s been a really fucking hard year for me and I’m actually in a pretty decent place even when I have the occasional triggering thought spirals.
I was just trying to express the fact that I’ve set a firm boundary with myself.
Edit: I do see that my comment doesn’t spell it out in those words but it was what I was trying to say.
Can I offer a different perspective?
Sure
Sort of normal, but shouldnt be dwelling on your mind too much
So there was behavioral issues
Bad ones by the sound of it.
I’m not saying this to dump on you, I’m just trying to highlight this sort of thinking looks… troubling from the outside.
I’ve got this friend right? Her ex treated her like shit. She STILL talks about him, to this day. The breakup was bad. Long. Drawn out. Shes in so much a better place now. Shes in a new relationship and shes doing great, but she still talks about how shittier time it all was and wonders about the ex. And you use the exact same language. She REALLY struggled to be single. She hated it. No matter how many times i told her, she was better off alone than in that crappy relationship, she didnt believe me. Cause deep down I dont think she thinks she deserves to be happy. Or she just hates herself so much that being with an asshole is preferable to being alone.
Possible I’m drawing connections here that don’t exist, cause I don’t know you IRL like I know my friend. And I’m sure it wasn’t ALL bad. But at the same time if it was great, it woulda worked.
But lets cut to the chase here, you can absolutely vent. But you shouldn’t NEED to set boundaries for yourself. You should respect and love yourself enough that even if they showed up at night with a boombox playing “Dont you forget about me” you’d just be like “yeah, I deserve better than this mess.” And when these things pop up (like they would for anyone), they should move like clouds across your mind. Not pull you into hypotheticals and situations that require planning.
Sorry if this sounds like a rant, you just… you don’t sound happy. And you deserve to be.
The thing is, I have ADHD and Autism, I don’t respond to a break up the same way others might, it’s just not how it works for me. My brain is literally wired to fixate on things that give me dopamine, and for all the faults, my ex also brought me a lot happiness, so it’s a slow gradual process. I am building a life for myself where I get my dopamine from a lot of sources and not just one person, So yes I do think of her occasionally and I hope for contact but I’m doing things about it. I also know it’s also because I never got that explanation that other people get when a break up happens, it wasn’t long and drawn out it was short and curt with contact dotted in there and overall a massive explanation-less experience that made it exceptionally hard for me. So maybe other people don’t have to set boundaries for themselves, but I know I do have to set them for myself because I know that I always looked at her and our relationship with rose coloured glasses. I also know that she treated me poorly at times and I have a view of where we went wrong from my perspective and I would never accept her previous behaviours in the relationship or my own, I wasn’t my best either and we didn’t bring the best out of each other. I have a balanced view but my brain is built to obsess and I am working on it whilst also being kind to myself.
I’d also like to clarify that I’m not desperate to be in a relationship, it will likely take me a long time to be truly “ready”, so I’m just dipping my toe in the water and trying to meet new people. Before my ex I was single from 21-31 years old by choice I’m very used to being single and I’m also certainly not desperate to be in a relationship with my ex.