Torn between that feeling of complete apathy to the work I do, and a burning passion to protect the area of knowledge and ability that I’ve carved out for myself.
Like, on the on hand: couldn’t give melted diarrhoea in a plastic cup, as much as the work gives me the bum squirts due to stress.
But on the other hand: I will ball my fist around a roll of dollar coins and smack a bish who steps on my plot.
Hard, hard relate! But it makes it easier to step away and relinquish the power work has over your psyche when you give up your turf and let it be other peoples’ problems…
Definitely - we have some time off coming up and it cannot come sooner, if nothing else other than to lock the door on that part of my mind, since I know this feeling only hits during work hours (thanks to a healthy dose of a decent work life balance that I’ve fought hard for). Plus, closing the laptop lid tonight will feel very sweet knowing the weekend is upon us.
That’s awesome with the time off - hopefully an opportunity to work out what a more long term arrangement would be like for you, it doesn’t sound sustainable.
I’m starting to find that these draining feelings of wanting unreasonable control over work domains stem from a sense of bring unfulfilled, either with challenge and/or purpose…
stem from a sense of bring unfulfilled, either with challenge and/or purpose
Ooooof. this hits hard! I’m definitely in this category. I’m also aware though that it would take a LOT for me to feel fulfilled in my line of work. Both this holiday and the coming Christmas period is going to be spent having some very hard conversations with myself about what I do next. That said, it would be nice if my work supported me in some way/shape/form in training and evolving my professional output in the way I want it to but that won’t happen.
In your world though what kind of fulfilment do you think would result in overcoming this feeling?
Well… I’ve almost quit my job, I’ve stayed on for a bit on a casual basis to try and get a small project done (this is proving impossible as it’s entirely based on self motivation and I honestly wish I’d gone for the clean break). Honestly I don’t know what is next but I know for a fact I simply can’t get what I need at my current place with the current team.
I’ve been looking up storage unit costs recently… Dump everything there and travel for a while maybe. Volunteer and get to meet people again without my work identity/stress hanging over my head. Do some ad hoc work as it comes up. I’ve made a few contacts who might be able to throw some freelancing work my way - especially once my head clears and I actually remember what I love.
I’ve been looking up storage unit costs recently… Dump everything there and travel for a while maybe. Volunteer and get to meet people again without my work identity/stress hanging over my head.
That sounds like a great idea! Have you decided where you want to go?
Not yet! There’s some Buddhist monasteries I’ve enjoyed staying/volunteering at and would be welcome at any time so that’s an easy start. Landcare groups, wwoofing, I could maybe try for some seasonal work with fieldwork crews…
While not entirely healthy (in fact quite the opposite), I went through a phase about … seven years ago now, where, even though I had a job, wife, house, etc., I wanted out. And it was either one way into the infinite beyond, or severing all ties and volunteering somewhere like South America and building houses for the poor or something. I sought help and obviously did neither - but yeah, there’s something really satisfying about the idea of going living for other people in a voluntary perspective. Having just enough to put food in your stomach and have a roof over your head, but otherwise live with experience alone.
I’m rooting for you, I truly am. You’re a great individual and deserve a lot in this life, and the fact that you’re even willing to explore the idea of offering part of your life to help others speaks to that. So here’s hoping that the path before you clears and you’ve able to work towards finding that love once again :)
<3 thank you for your thoughtful and insightful reply JW! It really helps me feel a bit less crazy and alone and scared about whatever comes next. Sometimes - maybe more often than not - what we need to help surf the waves of these difficult feelings isn’t logical, rational, or based on deterministic left brain approaches, it’s a bit of good old fashioned right brain reorganisation by feeling safe and secure and connected in one’s body through interacting with others :)
Torn between that feeling of complete apathy to the work I do, and a burning passion to protect the area of knowledge and ability that I’ve carved out for myself.
Like, on the on hand: couldn’t give melted diarrhoea in a plastic cup, as much as the work gives me the bum squirts due to stress. But on the other hand: I will ball my fist around a roll of dollar coins and smack a bish who steps on my plot.
Hard, hard relate! But it makes it easier to step away and relinquish the power work has over your psyche when you give up your turf and let it be other peoples’ problems…
Definitely - we have some time off coming up and it cannot come sooner, if nothing else other than to lock the door on that part of my mind, since I know this feeling only hits during work hours (thanks to a healthy dose of a decent work life balance that I’ve fought hard for). Plus, closing the laptop lid tonight will feel very sweet knowing the weekend is upon us.
That’s awesome with the time off - hopefully an opportunity to work out what a more long term arrangement would be like for you, it doesn’t sound sustainable.
I’m starting to find that these draining feelings of wanting unreasonable control over work domains stem from a sense of bring unfulfilled, either with challenge and/or purpose…
Ooooof. this hits hard! I’m definitely in this category. I’m also aware though that it would take a LOT for me to feel fulfilled in my line of work. Both this holiday and the coming Christmas period is going to be spent having some very hard conversations with myself about what I do next. That said, it would be nice if my work supported me in some way/shape/form in training and evolving my professional output in the way I want it to but that won’t happen.
In your world though what kind of fulfilment do you think would result in overcoming this feeling?
Well… I’ve almost quit my job, I’ve stayed on for a bit on a casual basis to try and get a small project done (this is proving impossible as it’s entirely based on self motivation and I honestly wish I’d gone for the clean break). Honestly I don’t know what is next but I know for a fact I simply can’t get what I need at my current place with the current team.
I’ve been looking up storage unit costs recently… Dump everything there and travel for a while maybe. Volunteer and get to meet people again without my work identity/stress hanging over my head. Do some ad hoc work as it comes up. I’ve made a few contacts who might be able to throw some freelancing work my way - especially once my head clears and I actually remember what I love.
That sounds like a great idea! Have you decided where you want to go?
Not yet! There’s some Buddhist monasteries I’ve enjoyed staying/volunteering at and would be welcome at any time so that’s an easy start. Landcare groups, wwoofing, I could maybe try for some seasonal work with fieldwork crews…
While not entirely healthy (in fact quite the opposite), I went through a phase about … seven years ago now, where, even though I had a job, wife, house, etc., I wanted out. And it was either one way into the infinite beyond, or severing all ties and volunteering somewhere like South America and building houses for the poor or something. I sought help and obviously did neither - but yeah, there’s something really satisfying about the idea of going living for other people in a voluntary perspective. Having just enough to put food in your stomach and have a roof over your head, but otherwise live with experience alone.
I’m rooting for you, I truly am. You’re a great individual and deserve a lot in this life, and the fact that you’re even willing to explore the idea of offering part of your life to help others speaks to that. So here’s hoping that the path before you clears and you’ve able to work towards finding that love once again :)
<3 thank you for your thoughtful and insightful reply JW! It really helps me feel a bit less crazy and alone and scared about whatever comes next. Sometimes - maybe more often than not - what we need to help surf the waves of these difficult feelings isn’t logical, rational, or based on deterministic left brain approaches, it’s a bit of good old fashioned right brain reorganisation by feeling safe and secure and connected in one’s body through interacting with others :)