I’ve tried the serenity prayer without god and I’m reading the subtle art of not giving a f*ck, but it’s not enough. The book is good though.
There are still moments when people really piss me off and while I’d like that not to affect me, my first instinct is still to feel anger and to hate the jackass making my life or work difficult. Sometimes I’d like to punch him in the face.
It could be the plumber who doesn’t come on the agreed day, the technician who ‘repaired’ a tv set, only to have the same issue the next day, a coworker who keeps yelling when I’m trying to work and even after asking him not to be loud, blatantly ignores me or coworkers who importunate me with stupid questions about my weekend.
A strategy I’m going to use now at the workplace is to ignore every non related job question from these people and only answer when they ask something job related. As for the plumber, the hate usually subsides after 2 days, but I’d like to be more resilient, not to jump to anger and hate so easily.
It’s like I’m emotionally very easy to trigger.
I don’t know if you agree with this sentence: A person who yells does it because he doesn’t have power to modify a situation to his advantage, because he is powerless.
This is how I feel sometimes.
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Sometimes it helps to feel bad for the person rather than get angry. As Gandalf said in the LOTR:
“Frodo: ‘It’s a pity Bilbo didn’t kill Gollum when he had the chance.’
Gandalf: 'Pity? It’s pity that stayed Bilbo’s hand. Many that live deserve death. Some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment.”Remember that plumber earns his livelihood on his professional reputation. If he cannot keep an appointment, he is failing at his career.
I like reading this poem whenever I’m feeling like I’m about to lose it. It helps me find my center again.
Just Let them. If they want to choose something or someone over you, let them. If they want to go weeks without talking to you, let them. If they are okay with never seeing you, let them. If they are okay with always putting themselves first, let them. If they are showing you who they are and not what you perceived them to be, let them. If they want to follow the crowd, let them. If they want to judge or misunderstand you, let them. If they act like they can live without you, let them.
If they want to walk out of your life and leave, hold the door open, and let them.
Let them lose you. You were never theirs, because you were always your own. So let them.
Cassie Phillips
I’ve been trying to practice compassion for the people that piss me off. Trying to remember that folks are all doing their best and may be dealing with even more stress and anxiety than I am dealing with.
The other thing that has really helped me is deliberately practicing gratitude for all of the great things in my life. Family, pets, health, food, shelter, car that works reliably, etc. it’s counterintuitive that focusing on these will help, but focusing on these things makes the things hat anger me seem so much less important.
I have compassion for people on the subway that act like monkeys, screaming and moving around a lot. Their maturity levels simply doesn’t allow them to understand basic nice behavior.
They are in the very beginning of their human experience, someone who just spawned into a game on level one and never played before.
And still they annoy me so much. Lol.
Regulation activities will help you build up more resilience.
You’re at the edge. Your cup is full. You’re out of copium. You need to purposefully recharge.
Whenever I get into an argument with someone on the Internet and I keep arguing with them past the point I should stop (it’s useless or I’m just wicked frustrated) I set up a monthly donation to something that would piss them off. And that’s why I have monthly donations to Sesame Street, the ACLU, and the SPLC.
My toddler has really taught me how to control my anger, there’s something about having someone slap you in the face and scream at you while you carry them to the car without having any recourse other than asking them to calm down and please stop hitting you that really teaches you how to find some zen …
I don’t recommend OP take on a toddler until they master their own emotions.
Good for you, though! Sending you a hex against other random stress-inducing disasters befalling your family while you’re navigating this difficult passage.
Yeah that’s probably pretty sage advice, but sometimes a baptism of fire can help for learning
Please teach me this zen, because holy hell toddler tantrums are the worst! They’ve made dealing with morons at work much easier.
It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety, too, if you’re on a “hair trigger” with your emotions. Some self care and/or therapy may help with some of it, but you sound like you’re on the right track already. Try to be aware of when you feel that way, try to identify why the situation makes you feel that way, ask yourself what you can do in that situation too change anything, and try to view the situation from other perspectives (doesn’t have to be from the perspective of the person making you angry, but can be a stranger viewing the situation from the outside).
Best of luck to you! And keep in mind that by just wanting to improve yourself in this way, you’re already take a step more than most people!
Exercise.
If you are literally only able to focus on inhaling and exhaling, the ruminative thoughts will not stand a chance.
Do you drink coffee? You sound like me when I was drinking it. I quit because it made me so irritable. Didn’t use to make me like that, but it changed over time.
Stoicism might interest you:
This might sound odd, but start listening to metal music.
A lot of the lyrics in these songs are aggressive and downright violent (especially if you start listening to death metal and black metal), and for me, it helps to release my emotion.
For example, many people think “I want to punch that person right in their dumb face”. Listening to a song that talks about doing it, and mentally visualizing it, is very cathartic. I don’t really know how to explain it, but just letting go to the music and having it take all your rage and frustration helped me a lot going through similar situations.
Constructive Nihilism, or my own spin on it, has helped me.
Everything in the universe, including us, are nothing but subatomic billiards balls bouncing off one another. Free will isn’t even an illusion, but a delusion. Consciences may not even exist beyond a concept we use as a shortcut to describe ourselves.
If you can truly internalize and grock those ideas, getting angry at a person, makes as much sense as getting angry at ocean wave. In fact your feelings of anger are internally nothing more than a few billiard balls bouncing in your own brain.
It’s not perfect. I still get annoyed occasionally. But then I remember these facts, and suddenly the feelings of anger just go away as quickly as they arrived. They seem silly and trivial.
Being Peace by Thich Nhat Hanh
Getting to Where You Are by Steven Harrison
Journey Without Goal by Chogyam Trungpa
I recommend them in this order. I think Journey Without Goal is more useful after reading the other two - it’s not a good starting point. The idea is sort of to start with calming the noise in your head that makes you anxious or upset, then explore understanding and getting to know yourself, and then after finding some measure of internal stability work on larger perspectives on your life and your relationship with others.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/acceptance-and-commitment-therapy
It’s stood up to scrutiny as a therapeutic tool from several meta-analyses.
Have you tried cynicism?
Cynicism is expecting the plumber to screw you over and being pleasantly surprised when they don’t
but don’t you hate your life or makes it very miserable and tiring?
I mean, expecting everyone to fuck me over would make me angrier I believe, like going to work and constantly ruminate about how every coworker and client is going to ruin my day.
If you are a cynic, how do you don’t ruminate?
or is cynicism more ‘no expectations no disappointments’?
Cynicism is horrible. It is slowly training your brain to always assume the worst in everything and everyone, and has little to do with expectations. Cynicism legitimizes the anger you already feel, and makes it “okay” to yell about it, rather than taking control of your emotions.
You need a philosophy that allows you to take control, not one that justifies your helplessness. Mindfulness practices, and/or existentialist thought eventually leading to positive nihilism can help you.
Edit: After rereading your initial post, I am doubling down on mindfulness practices. The goal of simply not caring doesn’t seem to be helping you, so perhaps it’s best to try and accept and understand your feelings for what they are, rather than attempt to reject them. Your anger is there, and it is real, but it is your choice to act on it, or let it pass. With time, the practice of “letting it pass” will hopefully result in this being the default position. The brain form habits, and if you start to build a habit of letting go, it’ll get easier.
Nihilism might be able to help assuage it, but yeah in my experience, yeah it’s depressing. But that’s because reality is depressing, and I’m actually paying attention to it.
But if you’re not familiar with nihilism or existentialism, maybe look into them a bit. They can provide ways to become happy (or maybe more accurately, “content”) in spite of everything being objectively awful.
If you’re cynical in your rumination then there isn’t much to ruminate about.
Don’t you hate your life
Cynicism is a vent. It’s cathartic where is truthful. There’s no point being angry “at god”, there isn’t one there. You can be angry at people, but only if it serves you. If the anger is pointless it’s easier to discard it. If it has a point (you’re going to complain to someone’s superior) then it can be a useful motivator. I hate discomfort, so I work until I’m comfortable. I expect people to be self serving (this doesn’t require any energy on my part) and I’m pleasantly surprised when they’re not. Neither an I self serving, when I do things for others it feels like I’m sticking two fingers up at a system that would rather I’m a self centred ghoulish consumer. I guess it could be summed up as having very low expectations. But rather than being depressing I find it has the effect of creating joy in everyday mundane things.
