So I’m the house keeper. Not a big deal. I love cooking and I love her response to the food I make.
At least three times a week, she tells me she felt bad that her coworkers didn’t have a lunch, so I adjusted my cooking so her coworkers would have some sort of lunch if they didn’t or couldn’t bring anything. All she needed to do was bring the leftovers that she could share, and I would leave a small plate for myself for lunch the next day. SHE TAKES MY FUCKING LUNCH I MADE FOR MYSELF AND LEAVES THE LEFTOVERS FOR 4 PEOPLE! It drives me fucking insane. Stop bitching about coworkers not having enough to eat if you’re not going to fucking help. It makes me so God damn angry because now this food is either sit and go bad or I have to eat the same meal twice a day. My fucking GOD!!!
How did she respond when you told her how you felt about that?
I’m sorry. This was kind of a venting session. We’re gonna have a good talk about it tonight. I get what you’re saying and I appreciate you, but this talk is definitely happening
This is a classic mistake men make. As a man, I’ve made this mistake many times in the past before I learned what was happening. She’s not wrong. You’re solving for the wrong problem.
At least three times a week, she tells me she felt bad that her coworkers didn’t have a lunch,
She was sharing her thoughts and her feelings with you. She was creating a moment where you were both looking through her eyes at a situation of sorrow. That was her goal. You felt that moment and empathized with it. Ideally, you’d even communicate to her verbally how sad it was. That was the complete thing she wanted from beginning to end.
However, you misinterpreted what she was saying and why.
so I adjusted my cooking so her coworkers would have some sort of lunch if they didn’t or couldn’t bring anything.
You felt the empathy, but then you designed and implemented a process to solve the problem. THAT WAS NOT HER GOAL. I assume you told her the leftovers for 4 were there for her to take, but that wasn’t what she wanted. She never wanted to take leftovers for her coworkers. Bringing leftovers can cause all kinds of other social difficulties she may not want to deal with. She wanted to experience the moment with you about how bad it was he coworkers didn’t have food, perhaps even gain understanding about their social and economic situation of her coworkers, but that was all, not “FIX THE PROBLEM”.
Stop bitching about coworkers not having enough to eat if you’re not going to fucking help.
The anger you’re feeling telling her to not talk about a problem unless she expects a solution is the same level of anger she will feel when she expects you to listen to a problem and not offer a solution and you don’t honor that.
A way to approach this in the future when she talks about how sad she is for her co-workers is to ask her what she’d like the out come of the conversation:
“Would like like me to simply listen, or are you looking for a solution?”
If she says “listen”, then you job is to sit there, listen to her story, experience the anger/sadness/frustration she did/does, and simply acknowledge it.
- “Honey, I’m sorry. It shouldn’t be that way”
- “That really sucks. I hope it gets better for them”
- “That must be hard for you so see that everyday”
There are piles of books on this, one of the most famous is “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus”. If you have any desire to have a future where you spend that with a woman, you need to understand differences in how each process emotions. If you simply say “it has to be my way, and a solution is the outcome when a problem arises” you will alienate your mate putting distance between you and possibly lose her.
I know its hard. I know its uncomfortable and frustrating for you. I’ve been there myself. I know “it would be so much simpler if…”, but it isn’t. This is what it is and you have a responsibility to change your behavior here too. You know when they say “a marriage takes work”? THIS is some of the work they’re talking about. You’ve punched your time card for your morning shift and are now on the clock. Get to work.
I understand what you’re saying, but the one defining factor is her requesting I make them food. I’ve made many dishes for her to share under the idea they’re meant to share, and we’ve agreed that whatever leftovers are available after she got her fill are free game. I’ve even made special dishes for the people she works with upon request. Absolutely zero problem with that. If they asked directly to make them a meal, I’d 500% do it because, and like I said, I’ll be damned that someone is hungry if I have control of it. But the past few nights, I’ll make enough leftovers for her coworkers, and she doesn’t take them. It pisses me off because now I’m in a situation to either eat the leftovers or throw the food away, and I’ve always been under the idea that if you microwave food and don’t eat it all, the rest is garbage.
I always aim to avoid that altogether making enough for multiple people to eat after microwaving it, but when she doesn’t take the prescribed leftovers, it’s going to be heated up once, and then it’s garbage after that
I understand what you’re saying, but the one defining factor is her requesting I make them food.
For the occurrence you referred to in your first post today, did she ask you to make this extra food for them today or did you offer to make them food and she said “yes”?
You can communicate to her how strongly you feel about wasting food, and that if she explicitly asks you to create food that you then have to throw away because she doesn’t do her part in taking it to coworkers, you are being forced to do something you hate because of her carelessness and how frustrated that makes you. You can even put boundaries on what you’re willing to do:
“I love you, and want your coworkers to be fed, but it pains me deeply to spend the effort of cooking then be forced to throw that away. It makes me feel like you don’t care about my efforts and it feels like disrespect from you to me. In the future I will wait for you to explicitly ask me to make a meal for you co-workers, and if I do that and I have to throw it away again, I may not be willing to cook for your coworkers anymore.”
and I’ve always been under the idea that if you microwave food and don’t eat it all, the rest is garbage.
I always aim to avoid that altogether making enough for multiple people to eat after microwaving it, but when she doesn’t take the prescribed leftovers, it’s going to be heated up once, and then it’s garbage after that
I’m not sure where you picked that up, but I’ve never seen a limit on the amount of times you reheat. The only limits are consuming leftovers within a few days. Now I’ll do some solutioning: If your concern is on the number of reheats, what prevents you from dishing out a smaller portion from the refrigerated leftovers and just eating that portion? The rest of the leftovers haven’t been subjected to any reheating events yet.
I get what you’re saying, and I’ve cooled off. You’re right.
This is hard stuff. There’s nothing that seems natural about this. It goes against our very nature. However, seeking this understanding of your mate is an act of love. Knowing yourself and your needs, and those of your mate is a super power!
As long as you are both open with each other, and respect each others positions and needs, you are going to not only get through this but come out much stronger together on the other side. This is a small brick that builds a very strong foundation for your relationship with your mate. You’ve got this, man.
Solid advice
Did she even ask you to do that? Maybe she was just venting about a difficult situation with a coworker too.
Maybe she didn’t want to be involved in their business. Or the coworker made it clear they don’t want anyones leftovers… there are many reasons why she might have left the food at home.
If she explicitly asked you to make enough food for her coworker, I understand your frustration. Otherwise thats not solely on her and you both need to communicate better.
She didn’t explicitly ask me to make food, but she had told me that sometimes her coworkers don’t have lunch. Making meals from scratch costs pennies to the dollar, and I’ve heard the complaint enough to adjust my cooking standard to cook for 5 people. I know my wife cares about these people, so I care about these people, and I WILL not have someone go hungry, so if you if I get a hint otherwise, you’re getting a meal. However, I don’t think my wife has the same logic as I do. I hate wasting food, and I won’t do it if I can help it, so when she leaves the leftovers that are meant to feed all of her coworkers, it upsets me
This is, as others have said, a love languages thing.
Mine is acts of service. When I overstep for my wife and do things for her when she’s asking for an ear, she now understands what I’m doing and why and redirects me to actually listen.
That, and she enjoys all the cooking and cleaning I do so that she can relax when she gets home.
We almost never fight now as a result of this and it’s almost always a “This is what I need from you” kind of talk that we can both appreciate and respond to rather than just a screaming match.
You’re absolutely right. Ultimately we need to have a good talk about it
