Hello, I am 20F and have been texting this guy (21) I met for about 2 years now. We actually live close to each other. It’s about 30 to 40 minutes but throughout the time when we will plan a date, either he or I would cancel for me, it was due to insecurities (We’ll get into that later). He has expressed to me many times that he’s likes me and gives me compliments but I am not gonna lie and say that I am not a cause as to why me and him aren’t together. I used to do s*x work on the side because of my financial state. He was coming on pretty strong on wanting to date but I didn’t want to hurt him in the end or lie to him if we did start dating. So I told him. The reaction wasn’t great, we didn’t talk for a while after that.
{He has told me the type of women he likes, woman that loves god, wants kids and marriage, goes to the gym all that good stuff. Me on the other is an atheist, don’t want neither and I’m 117lbs, so I don’t see how he’s attracted, I just think of it as settling. He was adopted into a good family with money and I’m poor, literally nothing to my name. I went through his following on insta that shows me what you’re interested in and it was mostly girls that are not of my color. He doesn’t even follow men of my color, so why are you even pursuing this.It just doesn’t make sense.}
After I told him, he proposed we be friends with benefits, I shut that down and told him that sounds very degrading to ask me after he just told me he wouldn’t want his own woman doing such work. He apologized and were just texting on and off for a while. And then we were doing good as friends until we got into this debate (we think differently on most things so it’s something we do a lot) this particular time, he started to talk about the type of woman that he’s looking for (again) and I responded by saying that I’m not looking for a man or marriage or kids. I just want to be able to experience my life now when I’m young. He got into a whole rant, I stood on what I said then got blocked lol.
2 days later I got a text from him, he was checking up on me. I told him I missed him and he said he missed me too. I asked him why he blocked me he said (in his words) “I think i just liked u and i didn’t wanna get hurt. So I kinda said fuck it, imma just save myself the trouble.” He apologized and we were good, yesterday he was venting about how lonely he is and how hard it is to find the girl that he wants. I tried to give him suggestions, knocked it all down. In his rant he even included me in it saying I was joking with him (I didn’t realize that he said that until way later in our conversation) so I wasn’t able to go deep into what he meant, but I wasn’t joking with him. After his vent we went back to talking normally but I probably said something I shouldn’t, I told him I’ll be moving soon to Fl, we live in the Northeast. He then says “Should I take you out at least once since I never met you” and I said “Too late” he responded saying “cool” and then after that he was just giving me dry messages after that and then left me in delivered. I wasn’t really serious about it, I should’ve told him or put an “lol” so he wouldn’t think I was serious but damage done once again. I think I’m just meant to be single.
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My take is pretty simple. Guy sounds like a massive douchebag that I wouldn’t want to be friends with (it appears that’s not what he wants anyway) let alone to see me naked.
I wouldn’t sit next to this knob on public transport.
Move on. He’s not worth your energy.
Dating that kind of person is worse than being single, by far. In what you’ve shown us he’s displayed 0 interest or care in you, aside from sex. And, as you noted, the hypocrisy of judging you for sex work and then turning around and wanting an only sexual relationship is disgusting. On top of him being terrible, it sounds like you’re also just incompatible on a “what you want out of life” level.
From my perspective, if you’re having this much stress dealing with him now, it’s only going to be worse if you start dating. Something I try to remember, dating isn’t the goal, enjoying dating someone is the goal. If you aren’t enjoying talking to him now, it’s not going to get better by dating him.
You sound like you know what you like and what you want, and aren’t afraid to say it. GOOD. That is quite rare for someone that young, and it’s no surprise it’s intimidating to guys used to always get their way. DO NOT compromise. Do not settle, ever. A bad relationship is a thousand times worse than being single. Go live your life, follow your interests, meet new people, do new things. Those experiences are essential to becoming you - and you’re wise enough to know that. If you’re interested in dating, know that the right person will see and appreciate all that you already are and won’t project expectations on you.
As for your “friend”… From what you said, I get the feeling he was stringing you along, enjoying the attention (aka validation) you gave him. He may even have hoped that you’d eventually cave in and be intimate with him, which would explain why he basically cut contact once you made yourself clear it won’t happen. In any case, he doesn’t value or respect who you are as a person. At least he was upfront enough to tell you what he’s looking for, so you didn’t waste your time.
I think I’m just meant to be single.
Maybe, maybe not. You’re young yet. I’d say to enjoy your life, doing whatever it is that you find gives you fulfillment (and figuring that out in the first place). If you find a guy or gal (or whatever you orientation) that is compatible with your wants, needs, and desires and brings you mutual joy, enjoy it for however long it lasts. There is no “The One” out there for everyone. There are a number of “The Ones” and the state of being a “The One” could change as you both grow as people.
Don’t settle.
As for that “friend”, he doesn’t in get “it”. He was just girlfriend/wife-zoning you. He didn’t want to be your friend, he just wanted to be waiting in the wings in case you changed your mind. Besides that, not only is he young too but he has no idea what he wants. He thinks he knows but it sounds to me like he is saying that he wants a one-dimensional woman that he made up, who has no agency, no personality, no desire of her own. He needs to try dropping his preconceived notions and get to know people without girlfriend/wife-zoning them so that he can actually get “it”.
I think I’m just meant to be single.
No. No you’re not. Don’t let that brain worm in.
Here are some other brain worms not to let in: not your brain worm’s, your “guy’s”.
Here’s a list of red flags that should have you blocking and permanently removing this guy from your life:
- “the type of women he likes, woman that loves god, wants kids and marriage, goes to the gym all that good stuff” vs. “[I am] an atheist, don’t want neither and I’m 117lbs”.
- it was mostly girls that are not of my color
- he proposed we be friends with benefits, I shut that down and told him that sounds very degrading to ask me after he just told me he wouldn’t want his own woman doing such work
- He got into a whole rant, I stood on what I said then got blocked lol.
- “I think i just liked u and i didn’t wanna get hurt. So I kinda said fuck it, imma just save myself the trouble.”
- he was venting about how lonely he is and how hard it is to find the girl that he wants
And so on.
Dudebro, as described, is an incel of the worst kind. You will not be happy with this kind of turd circling the toilet bowl of life. Don’t “settle” and don’t ever let that brainworm in your head. NOBODY is meant to be single. (Not even the aforementioned turd; he could easily be not-single by just not being a dismissive prick.)
Maybe you’re meant to be single, maybe you’re not, 20 is pretty young imo to come to that conclusion. Especially with how you’re describing your interactions with this guy, that just sounds like it would’ve been a train wreck of mismatched desires, interests, values, and expectations. I wouldn’t worry about it too much, live learn and move on.
