I’m trans, came out just a couple of months ago. I don’t post about this on Lemmy very often (if at all), but it’s been a struggle. My dysphoria - in a nutshell, the incongruency between what I see in the mirror and what I want to look like as a woman - has had a profound effect on me. I’m pushing fifty, and I can honestly say transitioning is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do.

I have good days and bad days. Today is a good day, but on the bad ones I feel as though I look like Quark in the DS9 episode “Profit and Lace.” I’ll tell myself all kinds of awful, self-hating transphobic things like “you’re just a man in a dress” or “ugh what is that thing” or “freak” or “you’ll never be a real woman.” What a repulsive thing to say to yourself, how terribly unkind. I have specific issues with my facial hair, which are being addressed, but things like that take time. It’s like I’m fighting a battle against my own body, something I think most people can’t easily relate to. It’s hard to be patient while living in this (emotionally) painful in-between state, not knowing if I’ll ever be happy with myself. If it weren’t for my incredibly supportive wife, I’m not sure where I’d be right now.

Yeah, today is a good day. For now, at least. I feel safe and comfortable posting this here, you guys have always been a supportive and accepting community and I’d like to say thank you for that. Maybe I should start posting in the blahaj instance rather than bombarding you guys with this. Anyway, I’m gonna sign off for a while, I got my hands full at work today and gotta focus. Thanks for letting me vent.