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Trying to talk to people about anything at all is like pulling fucking teeth, I hate it so much and it has not once gotten better. I think that I have probably become worse at it ever since the discovery that I have autism revealed to me that there are many given layers of meaning & social cues that I am not understanding, in literally all conversations, but looking back it was never good anyway. I was never good. I can see all of the same problems of stumbling awkward bullshit even back when I was blissfully, properly unaware that I was doing SPEAKING TO PEOPLE wrong.

I’m just fucking exhausted and I don’t want to do it anymore. Wherever I go, whoever the people from whatever walk of life, they’re all unified (gloriously) by their “oh, ew, geez” -type reaction to my existing and subsequent ability to just barely tolerate me carrying on like a particularly annoying child. What good has being social ever once done for me? Nobody ever sticks around and it’s clear they do not like me. If I do not initiate things with people 100% of the time, 24/7, and make myself 100% available to them at all times as well, they will not show any interest and will fuck off to go hang around with someone who’s not totally insufferable.

I’m lucky enough to be married & I should have just accepted that as my one victory, quit while I was ahead. No point straining myself trying to talk to other people if I already have my life partner. Trying to get to know people, talking with them, has never represented anything but stress and pain, often in retrospect when I realise I was kept around solely for humour value or because people are too polite to just tell me to get bent. I have to get rid of my desire to talk to people, as well as talk in general, because it’s absolutely disastrous for my life.

This post dedicated to marble countertop gang