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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/acedepress on 2023-10-03 02:14:31.
I am a 57 year old woman and I have been married to my 58 year old husband for 34 years. He is an engineer and I was a stay at home mom. We have always had a good relationship, and I love him very much. We don’t argue much, and we have good chemistry together. Several years ago, I started to notice that I didn’t want to have sex as often, and I never seemed to be in the mood, even when James initiated.
James started to notice my reluctance, and he asked me repeatedly if anything was wrong and I said no. To be entirely clear, I still love him and I want to stay with him for the rest of my life. The number of times we had sex every month kept going down, eventually we stopped having sex basically at all. So, last week when he got home from work, I set up a very nice dinner for us and I told him that we needed to talk. I told him that I wasn’t interested in having sex anymore, and that I wasn’t attracted to him anymore. He cried and said everything made sense now. I apologized to him and said that I should have said something earlier, but that I still loved him dearly. I also told him that I didn’t feel sexual urges at all anymore, my sex drive is zero. He didn’t finish dinner and went to sleep in the guest room. He has been avoiding me the entire week. I thought I’d just give it a few days, and I decided to myself that If he wants to leave my over this that’s entirely understandable, and that I’d make it easy and wouldn’t fight it.
That leads to today. My adult son, who is very close with my husband, called me today and said that my husband is getting a divorce. He said that my husband will not be speaking to me, and that everything will be done through lawyers and him from now on. My son also said that my husband will be moving out today, and that I should get a hotel room for the night so my husband can get essentials out of the house without me being around. He also said that I was extremely cruel for doing what I did, and that I broke my marriage vows for saying what I did to him. This conversation was shocking and horrifying to me, but I didn’t freak out and told my son that I’d do everything he asked. I also said that I want James to be happy. My son said that if I really wanted him to be happy I shouldn’t have destroyed our marriage.
He was the breadwinner, and I am currently preparing to get a job to support myself after the divorce. My husband still hasn’t spoken to me. This entire time. I honestly regret telling him the truth, and I wonder if I was cruel with the way I handled it. I devastated my life and marriage, and I am still shocked and reeling over it.
My biggest question is if I was an asshole for telling him that I wasn’t attracted sexually anymore? Should I have kept it to myself? Should I have done something differently? My youngest son is “on my side” here but my oldest isn’t. I don’t want to ruin my relationship with my son either but I think it’s too late. I don’t know what to do. AITA
YTA.
There’s a difference between ‘yeah my sex drive is zero’ and ‘I am no longer sexually attracted to you’ - you essentially told him you don’t want him any more and now you’re shocked that he’s reacted like a dumped husband??