Say hypothetically I’ve already shot my shot and was shot down, how would I go about getting over this (without rebounding to other people or whatever)?
Edit: Thanks everyone, for all the comments, support, and advice! Majority rules a tie between time and distractions lol. Seriously though thanks y’all
I call my personal strategy the 3Ds: Distance, Distraction, and Description.
First, I distance myself from my crush. This includes exposure such as social media. I have, in the past, told my crush that I needed time to get over them before I can be in a place to interact with them again. The first time, I never really could and had to cut all contact. The second (and last) time it went well and we were able to continue our friendship for years until life distanced us. It’s all context-dependent, so you’ll have to decide for yourself if you still want to be friends. Otherwise, out of sight and out of mind.
Next, I distract myself. While I still spend time processing my emotions and disappointment, I make sure to do things I enjoy to take my mind off everything. I hang out with friends, play video games, read, watch movies, etc. If not, I will spend whatever idle time I have thinking about my crush, which can make it difficult to get over them.
Finally, description. This one sounds a little weird because I had to use a word to fit the 3D theme, but this one is all about processing. I write about my feelings or talk to my friends/a professional about it. Sometimes, I research other people’s experiences and reflect on how I relate. No matter the medium, I describe what I’m feeling or how I’m hurting. It releases some of that internal pressure I feel and sometimes gives me something I can analyze and understand about myself and my feelings.
Don’t know how much this helps you but everyone’s process is different. As long as you are exploring ways to move on and being mindful of what works and what doesn’t (for you), you’ll get there with time. Good luck and feel better soon my friend!
This is the most comprehensive strategy that I can vouch for.
Done all of them.
I would say, the last one is underrated but very much useful not just for getting over a crush but for personal growth in general, which is a lifetime skill.
You’d be surprised by how many adults don’t understand themselves or even avoid doing self-reflection. In consequences, stumble upon the same problem again and again without taking different/better approach to handle them.
Time.
Do other things and in time you will be over it.
Realize that the person who rejected you is the wrong person, since why would you want someone who doesn’t want you? You really dodged a bullet there!
That’s how I always thought it. Even if I did get with them, I’d be with someone that doesn’t want me. How miserable for both of us.
Then it’s time to go find someone like that person that does like me. Could be passing them every day and wouldn’t know if I’m still hung up on the impossible.
Make sure your romantic life isn’t the only thing you are focused on. make sure you are doing things that you enjoy and spending time with people you care about. If you have a good social network any 1 part can have problems and they will suck but it’s not losing everything which makes it suck way less.
Accept that not everyone will like you back, in fact, most won’t. Mourne the loss, be sad, cry, then get up and carry on, because there will be another.
I also prefer to stay friends if I can, because if I loved them for some reason, them not feeling anything for me doesn’t change that, so I want them in my life.
Some of this was only possible due to the fact that I have had my heart broken too many times to count, so it’s also a thing of practicing radical acceptance.
Go to a party with your friends, and instantly fall in love with the daughter of your father’s enemy. Sneak up to her window that night and flirt heavily, winning her heart.
At this point I highly recommend secretly marrying her, but be cautious that the enmity between the two families may cause you to get your friend killed, leading you to kill your now-cousin due to the afore-mentioned wedding.
At this point it can get pretty crazy… but the girl you were pining for? Her name never comes up again.
In general, we just… do. What that looks like is going to be different for everyone and how you get there will be unique to you, but even without trying you almost certainly just will… get over it. Necessity if nothing else will help with that. You’ve still got to feed yourself, maintain your friendships and any other relationships you have, pay your bills, advance your goals and carry on. Life doesn’t typically care very much that you’d really rather just put it on hold and ruminate for a while.
I guess that doesn’t sound very helpful but time has a way of doing the getting over for us. Sometimes you need more of it, depending on the source and magnitude of your pain, but eventually enough time is all you need.
To put it in perspective, if you’ve ever experienced this before, the previous crush likely doesn’t feature too loudly on your radar right now and yet they might have been your whole world at one stage. If this is the first time you’ve been through this, it probably won’t be your last and there are probably similarly painful experiences in your past that seemed very important to you when they were fresh that are all but forgotten now. Try to remember that you walked that passage from all consuming fixation, to just a memory before and you can walk it again.
On a more practical level it probably would help things go faster if you could avoid too much contact with the person for a while so you don’t have to keep raking over the unpleasant emotions associated with the rejection and don’t have to keep fighting the urge to try your luck again when reminded of how much you like them, but then again often work or school or other environments can force you to have to see someone repeatedly even after there’s awkwardness between the two of you. In that scenario, well, to repeat the initially glib and unhelpful sounding advice, it’ll just happen with time, even when it feels like it won’t, don’t worry - you will get over this.
Don’t know how old you are but I have had to several times and can’t think what to say. You just put it behind you and move on. Be proud you stepped up and took your shot and accept the reality that it did not work out. If your a male this is just a fact of life in general. I will tell you that you did the right thing though. I have had friends who would position themselves in the friend zone for years with the thought they would just get to know them and realize how perfect they were or something. Its an aweful situation and I am glad I was able to avoid it as it was common in my peronality type of guy. You may not be a guy but I can really only give a guys perspective.
Be proud you stepped up and took your shot and accept the reality that it did not work out. If your a male this is just a fact of life in general
??? This isn’t a gender thing?
males of my age generally had to make the move. its possibly different now. I can count on one hand the girls I knew from college and before who asked a guy out first.
My realization, now, was that they did. I was too clueless on picking up cues to realize it.
Same in France among students. Males are expected to make the move
I feel like even within the straight paradigm women do a lot to express interest and can still feel “shot down” when those signals aren’t reciprocated, outside of also asking guys out
oh yeah. Flirting is totally different. I would say growing up girls flirted more than guys.
Crushes tend to seem unattractive after you learn everything else about them.
Absolutely. You should go ahead and find out any little detail. It’s best to follow them around so you don’t miss anything.
To get over them, of course.
Non-intrusively at least. I didn’t mean it like “pry into them” or anything. But it’s safe to say that feeling a certain way about absolutely everything about someone is so unlikely that being too drawn to someone is most likely a sign of the other person’s shallowness, whether that’s intentional or not.
Right, so be super duper secretive about your observation of them.
If they notice you need to INSIST they’re just crazy and seeing things.
See if you can hire a private investigator
What do you think dates are for?
Let yourself feel whatever you feel and observe it. Think about how you would react if you saw a close friend or family member going through that. Most kind people would say something comforting or express some form of compassion.
The most important thing to remember is that there will be lots of good and bad things that happen in life, and holding on/ruminating over the past and obsessing over/fearing the future are probably best avoided.
A little reflection and self compassion is good and healthy, but long term rumination and self loathing is when things can get unhealthy quick. Discerning when one turns into the other is difficult, but do your best and try to be self aware of how you’re feeling as you navigate these truly difficult emotions.
Know that this experience, the emotions and the thoughts caught up in it, are part of what makes you human, and that ultimately, it’s one of many experiences that will add up to who you are and who you’ll eventually become. In every moment, you are, whether consciously or subconsciously, engaging with the world and the circumstances you find yourself in, and becoming who you want/need to be.
Be aware of that, and control what you are capable of controlling about who you want to become. It’s like navigating a river, you’re not completely in control nor out of control. Ultimately all you can do is try your best to get to where you want to go, knowing it won’t be perfect nor will it go exactly to plan, but nevertheless you carry on.
Been over 30 years still don’t know
People say time and distractions and whatever else … but the only advice that ever really helped me was a line from some character on a TV show I don’t even remember:
“In my experience, to move on, you’ve actually got to move on.”
In other words… Go meet new people, get a new crush, find the greener pasture.
Booze, tears, and a long walk home.
Imagine if she did say yes. Then imagine your lives together, getting married etc. then imagine your biggest argument, lies, cheating, divorce, losing custody of your children and then ending up as a drunk on the streets, with no purpose in life, waiting to die.
Time.
