I know this is probably a shitposting meme. And my wife and my female friend, when I asked them, both laughed and said, “Yeah all the time.” I can’t tell if it’s sarcasm.

I asked this because Im a guy, and we’ve heard it all before. The guy plowing a warm apple pie. The ookie cookie BS. The jerk off with a sock. Dudes have done some weird things. I absolutely have found myself relieving some stress in interesting ways.

But veggies: Is this a common thing? Am I going to have to worry that my daughter, when she reaches a curious age, starts exploring with vegetables?

During puberty, should I start giving my children Amazon gift cards or no questions ask money to protect my produce?

I am aware this question is ridiculous and I am prepared to be ridiculed.

  • DaGeek247@fedia.io
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    3 months ago

    Take their ‘joke’ seriously and buy them each their own vibrator/dildo combo. Be really serious about the whole thing; explain what they are, what they’re for, everything.

    This way, if they weren’t joking, your veggies are safe. If they were joking, you have just completely topped their joke with your own.

    • Rai@lemmy.dbzer0.com
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      3 months ago

      Rabbits suck. Get a cordless magic wand (silicone head) or a we-vibe touch. If she wants a dildo get it separate (also silicone, I’m a bad dragon enthusiast but you can get great silicone dildos elsewhere)

    • Thorny_Insight@lemm.ee
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      3 months ago

      Dad buying their underage daughter a dildo sounds like a good way to get canceled. Or worse.

      I don’t think it’s a bad idea per-se but I can imagine a ton of ways how that could backfire.

      EDIT: Yeah I misread that

        • Deceptichum@quokk.au
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          3 months ago

          Dad buying their underage wife and her friend a dildo sounds like a good way to get canceled. Or worse.

          I don’t think it’s a bad idea per-se but I can imagine a ton of ways how that could backfire.

            • SuperEars@lemmy.world
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              3 months ago

              Dad buying their underage wife and her friend sounds like a good way to get canceled. Or worse.

              I don’t think it’s a bad idea per-se but I can imagine a ton of ways how that could backfire.

      • Zozano@lemy.lol
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        3 months ago

        I really dont need any more reasons to lick every dildo I find, but I’ll roll with it.

  • BarqsHasBite@lemmy.world
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    3 months ago

    Hope she washed it off well before putting it back in the fridge. So I doubt the post is real. As for the rest I’ll have to leave it to women to answer. But if you ever find your cucumber in the garbage, just leave it there.

  • pixeltree@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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    3 months ago

    Is it normal for teenagers discovering sexuality to improvise sex toys? Absolutely. Cucumbers are generally a convenient shape and size. When I was a young male teenager, I used hotel shampoo bottles. (Almost got one stuck inside me, no idea what I would have done.) When the time comes to have that talk, mention sex toys and that if they want to experiment, they should use objects that are meant to be used that way and that you won’t judge them for it. I’d probably also mention that you won’t open packages addressed to them and leave it at that.

  • chemical_cutthroat@lemmy.world
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    3 months ago

    Any cucumber you handle for 3 hours for any reason is garbage. You wouldn’t put it in a salad because it would be mush. This is a BS post, obviously.

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    3 months ago

    I’ve never used a veg for these purposes and I’m not planning to. I would definitely not recommend it to anyone, and I would recommend be very mindful of the hygiene of any objects you decide to insert for whatever reason- speaking from experience here, UTIs are no fun.

    Most people don’t use vegetables for this afaik.

    That aside, the only girl who ever confided in me that she used a veg (a banana btw) also said she put it in a condom. She said she would bin it all afterwards and this sounds like what someone reasonable enough would do. I’d be grossed out if I was to eat something used for that and I’d feel awful to have my family eat something used that way. Just no.

    • ByteOnBikes@slrpnk.netOP
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      3 months ago

      Thank you for the honest response! I sincerely appreciate it.

      Reflecting on your answer, that would make complete sense. Why wouldn’t a person use a condom? My wife has explained how concerned she is about UTIs, and adding that veggie bacteria would be concerning.

      I’m starting to feel like my veggies are safe.

      • Mouselemming@sh.itjust.works
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        3 months ago

        Also most young teens would be a little intimidated by a cucumber. A carrot or banana is more likely, since they’ve probably seen a condom on one before.

        As for the 3 hours, it’s long but by no means impossible.

      • JovialMicrobial@lemm.ee
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        3 months ago

        I havent seen anyone mention this, but cucumbers have little sharp spikes/spines on their skin so that’d be a huge no for the vast majority of people, and those little spikes would probably rip any condom stretched over it.

        Very few people are gonna be into fucking themselves with something that’s got tiny thorns on it…unless they go out of their way to remove them without peeling it entirely I guess.

        Seems like a lot of work though.

    • pete_the_cat@lemmy.world
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      3 months ago

      I’m a dude and a cucumber definitely doesn’t seem like it would feel great going in and out. It’s bumpy and the skin is pretty coarse. A banana definitely sounds like a more logical choice.

      • IronKrill@lemmy.ca
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        3 months ago

        Nah, you haven’t lived until you’ve experienced the girth and texture of a garden cucumber.

  • DeadWorld@lemm.ee
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    3 months ago

    During puberty, should I start giving my children Amazon gift cards or no questions ask money to protect my produce?

    🤣

  • VinnyDaCat@lemmy.world
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    3 months ago

    It’s a shitposting meme. The poster has this pinned on their twitter:

    That said… I have heard horror stories about poor theater staff finding cucumbers after the 50 shades premiere. Some of it was just people memeing and trying to prank but I’m not entirely sure about all of it.

  • BonesOfTheMoon@lemmy.world
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    3 months ago

    As a woman on Lemmy, I have never done this. I didn’t find penetration very comfy until I learned how to have G spot orgasms with my SO, but by then I was an adult and could buy a G spot dildo for times he wasn’t around. All I can think of with a cucumber is that something would break off inside me and I’d get an infection.

    • blady_blah@lemmy.world
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      3 months ago

      ient dirty joke. Back in the day kids you could find collections of them in printed books, and later, entire websites solely dedicated to hosting thousands of dirty jokes. They were presented in story format, often happening to your cousin’s friend.

      Not saying no one had ever had this happen to them in the history of mankind. But this is also an old dirty joke that is probably more commonly repeated than acted out.

      *WITHOUT WASHING IT! I mean, was she ok with it being eaten by another family member as long as it wasn’t her? That’s just as gross!

      • MystikIncarnate@lemmy.ca
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        3 months ago

        Yeah, that’s my main take away.

        Not only did she put it back in the fridge in this completely fabricated story, but they did so without washing it?

        Who does that?

    • Valmond@lemmy.world
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      3 months ago

      You have to put it in lukewarm water for 30min / 1 hour too so putting it in the fridge seems counterproductive.

      Well so I have heard, but it was for zucchinis (true story actually, but it was the guy explaining it, I have no idea if it was only used for stroking or penetrating or just to fool around with to lighten up the miod or something. I also recall something about peeling it but that seems wrong).

  • paddirn@lemmy.world
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    3 months ago

    Chances are, if something can be fucked or used as a dildo… somebody somewhere has done it out of horniness.

    • pete_the_cat@lemmy.world
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      3 months ago

      I still remember about 20 years ago a female friend told me that she masturbated using a bottle of Bawls energy drink (IDK if they even still make the stuff). It was a glass bottle that was bumpy all over (think of the divots on a golf ball, but inverse) and she apparently used it on her clit/vulva.

      When I was a horny pre-teen boy and had no idea how to actually beat off, I discovered that rubbing a silk/nylon pillow with pictures of cats on it felt really good.

      JD Vance fucked a couch.

  • Today@lemmy.world
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    3 months ago

    Vibrators are much better than they used to be - quiet, rechargeable, and durable. I think your veggies are safe. If you’re worried about it, only buy non phallus-shaped veg for awhile and see if anyone comments. I think (hope) those food sex things are just jokes, but i will not use a hotel room glass, coffee maker, or refillable shampoo.

    • cordlesslamp@lemmy.today
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      3 months ago

      What would you do if someone did comment on it?

      “Hey mom/dad, could you get some cucumbers next groceries trip. My face is so dry lately and in dire need of a moisturizing mask”

      “I’m gaining weight lately so I need more salad, could you pick up some cucumbers and spinach while you at the store please?”

      • Fizz@lemmy.nz
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        3 months ago

        “Hey mom/dad, could you get some cucumbers next groceries trip. My face is so dry lately and in dire need of a moisturizing mask”

        “Sorry honey we are restricting you to only non phallic veggies for your own safety” why do I feel like super Christian households would actually say this.

        • cordlesslamp@lemmy.today
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          3 months ago

          I like where your mind go, but it’s not that. Spinach is just a cover up, a distraction. You can’t make a salad with just cucumbers, right?

          • netvor@lemmy.world
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            3 months ago

            I see, it has to be cultural. I’m from Czech Republic, but born close to Slovakian/Hungarian border. Where I come from, the spinach would be the suspicious ingredient. (I was like, “are you out of wipes or something?”)

            Cucumbers, Balkan cheese, tomatoes, pepper, maybe onion would make it much easier to blend in the crowd.

  • ABCDE@lemmy.world
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    3 months ago

    Carrots and cucumbers, yes. Rumours went around a neighbouring school after a girl confided in her friend, who then betrayed her trust.

    They are cheap, easily accessible, and great replacements in countries where sex toys are illegal. Just… Use a condom around it please.

    Oh, and don’t put it back in the fridge.