…until it is someone with narcissistic personality disorder, psychopathy and sociopathy, but mostly NPD.
EDIT: There seems to be some misunderstandings about this post. It is not an attack on this community or the users here, it’s just a general vent I have for the type of people that claim to be anti-ableist until it is something they don’t like.
Lack of empathy isn’t abuse. Empathy is a private, personal feeling. Other people’s feelings are not abuse. Neurotypical society encourages a toxic dynamic where you must feel certain ways about other people in your own head, or you are a so-called abuser. A person who is not feeling affective empathy is perfectly capable of cognitive empathy and of practicing ethics and morality. Affective empathy is a feeling. Cognitive empathy is knowledge. Ethics and morality are theories and behaviours. And I can report from my own experiences and those of other people living with NPD, that the reason we have lower empathy on average is that we can choose whether to have empathy. We are perfectly capable of feeling the feelings of others, but we can also block that feeling when it’s irrelevant. We can feel and understand others’ feelings in order to develop our sense of ethics, but we can turn it off when it’s a hindrance. If a man is drunk and shouting at me for being trans, I don’t want to feel empathy for his hatred of me. I turn my empathy off. If I’m talking to a woman who had a miscarriage, I can turn my empathy off while still showing sympathy. I know miscarriages are bad, I know how horrible they feel, I just don’t want to also feel that way. The neurotypical demand that everyone feel empathy at all is unreasonable. Neurotypicals say “People with NPD don’t choose to suffer when I feel bad. That’s abuse”. I disagree. And I don’t believe neurotypicals feel empathy at all times either. Their empathy shuts off when it’s important. pwNPD just have more control, do it more often. There’s nothing wrong with that. Hyperempathy is a symptom associated with disorders like BPD and sometimes even NPD, and it’s a lot worse than selective empathy. People with hyperempathy can’t function when someone is upset. They sometimes end up covering over and ignoring conflicts and being unable to resolve them because it hurts too much to think about a problem. That’s toxic. Yes, selective empathy can be used to inflict harm with fewer consequences, but so can a kitchen knife, and people who cook are not evil abusers. Nor are people living with NPD. And if lack of empathy made us abusers, then people with autism would be as well. They are not, and we are not.
That’s my response to the first link you showed. As you can see, I’ve thought a whole lot about this topic and have very strong feelings. From my point of view, this is someone saying “Your private thoughts are different from other people’s. That’s abuse!” You can see why this triggers me. I think it’s best now if I calm down, rather than discussing all the links you posted. You are free to discuss what I’ve said, and if I’m calm enough I’ll try to answer. I’d like to convince you of my point of view, at least with empathy. I am not sure I have the wherewithal to discuss everything you’ve linked.
You did not read any further then the very first link and already claim that I’m wrong? Also, most of what you wrote is probably aligned with your own emotions but logically doesn’t make a lot of sense.
I don’t want to trigger you and please take care of yourself. But please also refrain from spamming this thread with made up claims because you feel threatened by them. Because in doing so you actually really prove your lack of empathy and how you don’t care about others.
You are not the only one triggered by this topic. Surviving parents with NPD and multiple similar longterm romantic relationships mean I get triggered as well if someone wants to tell me that people like these are not abusive. And yes, the abuse was directly linked to narcissistic traits in each case. So don’t tell me otherwise unless you can prove it.
If you really want to convince me, you would need to link to actual research or anything that can show how NPD and abusiveness are not linked. Just by telling personal anecdotes you are not convincing anyone, the opposite actually.