As in: the guy that you fell for but you couldn’t make it work out for any reason, or maybe a missed connection from long ago, or perhaps something happened in the relationship and you were forced to end things
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While that first crush was wild and some of the worst mental anguish I’ve experienced, it definitely helped me grow and learn to focus on what I can change and accept what I can’t. I wasn’t mature enough at all for a relationship at that time anyway; I was still figuring out my own identity in multiple ways, and I was so emotionally consumed by him that I either would’ve centered my whole life around him to an unhealthy degree, or he would’ve lost interest since I’d have stopped developing my own personality.
This is me right now. For a straight guy, no less. And I have had this happen a few times already and it feels like I just never learn. I can´t imagine I will ever get over this guy, but if I do, I will eventually fall stupidly over some other guy and go through the motions all over again. I feel like there is no learning.
You say “it helped me grow and learn to focus on what I can change and accept what I can’t”. That is very stoic and I know that rationally, but then emotions get into the mix and reason goes out the window.
This hits close for me in a slightly different way.
I kept up with very few high school friends past college, but one was my best friend who, to my knowledge, is straight. We regularly exchanged messages, and even though we were geographically challenged (he moves around the country/world a lot), I fell harder for him year after year.
About 18 months ago (14 years we graduated from HS) I finally expressed my feelings, shortly after we got together in our hometown for the first time in a while. I received no response and haven’t heard from him since. He’s not homophobic and the worst I expected was some temporary awkwardness, so I was totally unprepared for that.
While the crush has mostly worn off because of this, I’m still devastated that I seem to have lost my longest and best friend. So mine isn’t so much a story about one who got away as it is being spurned by one I trusted. I’m a bit bitter right now but I do hope to reconnect with him some day.
Yes, that hurts to hear. It is always a possibility with gay people expressing their love for might-be-straight people. I have trouble believing that your friendship will just die like that.
Has he not contacted you in 18 months? If not… maybe go ahead and send him a message? This is always troublesome, at least in my mind: “He did not send me a message, he obviously does not care about me. Why should I?”, “Why should I be the one always taking the first step?”… But sometimes, someone has to take that first step and show vulnerability.
Maybe something like “Hey. I know we have not contacted in a while, but I really miss you. You were my longest and best friend and I want that to continue… I miss our talks and I truly care about you. How have you been doing?”
On the other hand… you contacting him might just open the crush again and here comes suffering. This is something you have to decide for yourself… In the long run, it may just be better to create new friendships and cultivate those.
I’ve thought about doing that, but I don’t know what it would accomplish other than destroying a friendship and making things really weird.
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This is an absolutely top notch response. Damn, you are good at this. Thank you!
I do agree that avoiding crushes is the best way towards healing. I notice that, even though I like him and want him badly, the days I don´t see him are actually, on average, better days.
Thank you again for your kindness. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be free from suffering.
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I have two dumb ones, but here it goes.
(1) This one is more of a missed connection… In high school, I went to a regional robotics competition (FRC). I was a total dweeb at the time (and still am, I suppose) and mostly kept to myself. During the competition, we’d set up booths in a large event hall, similar to how trade shows are laid out. Our neighboring team had this an adorable and verrrry outgoing guy, who I was crushing on the entire time. He was unfathomably cute and I couldn’t help but steal glances every few minutes. I would feel butterflies every time he looked over. Even looking back many years later, I can still feel it.
At some point, he came over and started talking to me. I was stumbling on my words the entire time. I don’t remember it entirely, but at some point, we hugged for what felt like an eternity. I wish I could remember what led up to it. But being an horny and touch-starved teenager, the hug instantly gave me a boner in the middle of a crowded convention hall. I pretended to tie my shoe while my blood pressure settled a bit. He grabbed my arm and started leading me toward a less-crowded part of the hall.
That’s when my teammate came up to me and reminded me that I’m not allowed to go anywhere without a partner/teammate present. And that was that. I never saw him again. I wish I had gotten his number. I still rue that nothing came of it.
(2) In my early 20s, I met this guy on Grindr (or maybe Tinder), very much my type. I was head-over-heels for him and I was hoping he felt the same. Maybe I was a bitter and misanthropic 20-something-year-old, but I felt like he truly was a good person, genuinely beautiful on both the inside and out. We were going at it for months (or maybe a year+?) and it had gotten to the point where he met my friends and some family. I thought things were going swimmingly.
He decided to join Peace Corps. And we ended things mutually.
He came back a few years later and re-settled in our city. On a couple occasions, we had beers and chatted. At some point, we went to the movies, shared a joint, and I spent a night with him and we just cuddled for a night. He never really expressed interest in anything romantic during his return, so I chose to not pursue it further.
We’re still friends on Facebook and I love seeing and hearing about his journey through life. But I don’t know if he was ever interested in anything more. I still sometimes go through pictures of him and it gives me a big goofy smile seeing him. Ugh.
tl;dr: I was chasing someone who I couldn’t tell if he was interested in a romantic relationship or not
super late reply but that first story is similar to what’s going on with me right now. i’m currently in high school and there’s this guy i really like on my team (we are in FTC). on the night before our state competition, my team was staying at an airbnb and once we were going to bed, he uh, cuddled with me for a good 2 minutes once the other guy in our room was asleep. idk if he was trying to mess with me since that’s kinda how he is but either way it was awesome. i should note that he really likes to hang out with me one on one during class. in fact, in chapel at our school (we go to a private school), he asked me to sit by him. i usually sit alone and he knows that, so it was really amazing that he asked me to sit by him and of course i did. maybe it’s just wishful thinking in my end and he just wants to be a really good friend but god he’s amazing.
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