First, sorry if this breaks the rules. I just needed to vent, feel free to delete.
Iām laying here at night worrying. Iāve had some euphoric moments today, and some dysphoric moments, and Iām worried Iām making a big mistake.
Iāve painted my toes and Shaved my legs, and they look great, I love my legs, but then I look back up and see this gross fat bald dude.
I never thought I had gender dysphoria, just the regular āHaha, I hate myselfā because of my gut, face hair, body hair, hips, butt.
I have spent months seriously thinking about My gender identity in the lens of self acceptance, and flood gates just open. Shaving my legs and arms in middle school, never being comfortable without a shirt on, little things I guess. I could always excuse those away, because I used to excuse my dream state persona as ālol brains weirdā.
Iām thinking back on some of my experiences, and it just seems like I was willfully ignorant, or just didnāt have the words to describe the feelings let alone the emotional intelligence to name them and understand them.
There was a time I was looking for any acceptance from anyone, and I fell into hooking up with older men. I was feeling sexy and made a comment about it and this guy straight up slapped me down. It hurt, I was angry, I didnāt know why. I didnāt know that my mental image was so far off, and it hurt when someone told me. I buried that of course.
Lots of buried emotions, buried memories.
All of that is enough.
The other sense of joy and euphoria I got today was a confirmation that I will be able to start HRT in about a week if I want to, I got that email today and was ECSTATIC, but then comes in more doubt. Am I just rushing things along? What if Iām just lying to myself. Letās say I start HRT and after three months I call it quits? No harm trying, right? Better than sitting here in another ten years wondering why I kept kicking the can down the road. What if Iām not really trans, what if itās Justā¦ā¦ I dunno, I donāt even have any diversions or excuses.
Would a cis person have even gotten to this point?
So many questions, so many anxieties, so many red flags in hindsight.
Iām trying to go back to sleep, I used to think it was just depression, but I love my dreams. Iāve exercised my lucid dreaming enough over the years that I can do anything, go anywhere, but the thing I love most about my dreams is how free I am. I just am me, a switch of a bisexual woman. Sometimes Iām more passive and sometimes Iām more aggressive, but Iām always me.
Waking up is torture, Iād rather go back to sleep. There were times that I had so thoroughly disassociated from my life that the serialized dreams I had about being locked in an asylum seemed more real, more comforting. Real life just felt like a bad dream, and even though I still had a grasp on reality in my waking life, the trauma of having to live in an institution because of my delusions I was a man living a miserable life in a dead end āunskilledā job in bum Fuck Midwestern land was a lot, still is a lot.
Sometimes Iām not sure if that was more traumatic, or trying to be the husband I was always told I was supposed to be was more traumatic.
At that time I was drinking 18 12 oz cans of the cheapest strongest beer they sold a day within a six hour span, listening to old records and crying every night about something I couldnāt even tell what it was and was intentionally never going to remember in the morning.
Then Iād go to sleepā¦
I hope that girl is doing okay today.
TL;DR I have HRT available to me in the next weeks, and Iām excited and nervous, I canāt shut off my mind, and while I know that if I were to offer estrogen to any of my male friends they wouldnāt even think twice about turning it down, Iām sitting here excited and giddy but trying to talk myself down that maybe Iām not really trans enough, but logically I understand cisgendered males donāt agonize over This and never wouldāve gotten to this point of the discussion.
Thanks for coming to my TED stream-of-consciousness infodump ā¤ļø
Iām sorry to hear youāre struggling, it does sound quite similar to my transition process. I was told that the dysphoria often gets worse before it gets better and thatās what I found. But it did get better.
I also had those same doubts, at each stage, be it my initial appointments, getting HRT, taking HRT, booking SRS, getting SRS etc. I canāt obviously tell you if youāre right or wrong to transition, thatās your own journey, but for me each step was plagued with doubts, but I donāt regret things at all and Iām much happier now.
I think the doubts are perfectly normal, you are doing something big, that, in the case of medical transition, has lasting effects on your body. Itās natural to have doubts about that. I do think that youāre correct, a cis person wouldnāt even have a moments hesitation about declining HRT, itās not something theyād even consider.
I will say that if youāre getting euphoria over the thought of taking HRT then itās probably a good positive indicator. If youāre not sure there are a couple of things to bear in mind, taking HRT doesnāt generally have immediate external physical effect, it takes time to grow breasts. It does tend to have a mental effect much quicker, you can try it and see how you respond to that and stop if you donāt like it before you get irreversible effects. Please note Iām not a doctor and Iām only saying this from my own experience and every individual is different.
One other thing you could try if you havenāt already is breast forms, try wearing them around the house and see if it gives you euphoria or not. Breast growth is the primary irreversible part of HRT so itās a good litmus test I think.
Regarding your dysphoria, I got the same. Transition is a journey and unfortunately I found that the more feminine I became in my gender expression the more glaring my masculine feature stood out to me. I think thatās probably fairly common, but it does improve. Slowly my face softened, my fat redistributed, my breasts grew.
Mainly though I got more confident and accepting of myself, itās a long journey and isnāt always easy. Iām unlikely to ever pass but Iām ok with ālooking transā now, itās me, itās who I am, and thatās ok. I have wonderful supportive people in my life that Iāve met since transitioning and Iām much happier now.
I hope your journey works for you, whatever you decide.
Iām sorry to hear that youāre struggling, but remember that to transition is a huge step and itās very common for people to have some doubts along the way.
As you say, I think itās unlikely that a cis person would accept hormones if they were offered freely, let alone take the steps to acquire them. I certainly donāt think that a cis person would feel euphoric about being given the option.
But if you do start taking hormones and find that you donāt like the effects, itās okay to just stop. Itās rare, but Iāve known people to start and shortly thereafter stop because they didnāt vibe the early mental or later physical changes. Nobody worth your time will judge you for it.
Whichever decision you make, I hope that you find happiness and freedom from anxiety!
try it out, see how you feel about it, go from there
Iām in a similar position, I was pretty repressed and then figured out everything at once and started hormones ~1 month or so after that. I still get nervous sometimes, but as other members have pointed out you totally can just stop if you want. Itās important to be in touch with how youāre feeling about the changes, particularly early, but itās much much easier to figure out āI like this, I donāt like this, Iām excited about thisā vs. trying to reconstruct some kind of perfect trans narrative out of your past, and I really wish someone had told me it was cool to just do that!
Hi, I donāt know you, but I do feel very proud of you for being brave enough to take the next steps in your journey of self-discovery, whatever it looks like. It took me 37 years to come to terms with myself, to accept Iām a girl. While Iām only a week in to acceptance, I get you. I look in the mirror and see some ugly guy trying to dress up as a girl, most times. I just wanna be the beautiful sexy lady I know I am inside.
I just wanna say, too, that if, at some point, you decide HRT isnāt right for you, thatās okay. That doesnāt make you any less of the beautiful, strong young woman you know you are. And if, for some reason, you decide you are cisgendered , thatās okay too. This is your journey. Donāt let anyone tell you that you are doing it wrong.
Hey love take care of yourself
