America’s usual first responders—Bad Dudes Steven “Blade” Moskowitz and Joshua “Striker” Ortiz—have refused a request to battle wave after wave of ninja henchman and rescue the president.
“You want me to say it? Fine: We are not bad enough dudes to rescue President Biden,” said a frustrated Blade. “There. Jesus.”
“I didn’t even think of my job as political, but then 46 came along and all decency is off the table,” said Striker during today’s press conference. “He’s set this country back decades. Even today’s kidnapping is just a rehash from something 30 years ago.”
“We’ve killed thousands of ninjas with our bare hands, but that’s nothing compared to the slaughter in Gaza,” noted Blade. “I am a big and buff Bad Dude who ain’t afraid of squat, but I could never help bring genocide upon the people of Palestine.”
The muscular martial arts duo emphasized that they were aware that president Reagan was not without controversy during his administration, and defended their previous actions.
“Look, it was the ‘80s,” said Striker. “Things were simpler then. Save the president, get burgers, do some blow, call it a day, alright?”
The Bad Dudes also expressed worry that China may be involved in the kidnapping, and that they wanted to avoid any sort of foreign policy disaster. “This ain’t Rush’n Attack. This is serious,” they added.
Bad Dudes Unwilling to Rescue Current President