I posted this on reddit when it happened last year plus the update. Now I want some more advice. (I know I’m the asshole here)
- My gf (f23) had a tournament last month in which she was representing our country, she asked me (m22) to go with her and I decided to do so. Now I had to pay for it myself and pretty much spend all the money I had saved to travel wirh her for a week. Being from a conservative country her federation rules don’t allow for me to stay with her or anything so I had to sneak into her room all week.
I don’t particularly understand her sport or like it but spent the whole day there supporting and caring for her. I was there all day, sneaked into her room at night and gave her the physical things she enjoyed most, oral, massages and shower her. This was the case for 6 of the 7 days, on the 5th day I couldnt sneak in since her team had a meeting and I couldnt get in after that.
Now that same day I had been talking to another girl who had already lost who flirted with me there while I awkwardly conversed with her. I complimented her swing and she told me its her hamstring strength and guided my hand to feel her leg. Now that night when I couldnt sneak in my gf told me get a room and that she’d pay for it. I went out since I had’nt had the chance to explore the city for 4 days when I spotted the same girl at a touristy spot near the hotel, I went to say hi and she invited me to a party her team was holding at her hotel.
I went with her that night thinking I’ll just get a room there after the party (turns out it was an air bnb), as the night progressed we were flirting and ended with her laying on me on a beach chair topless. She then went to her room and told me to come with, I told her I’ll be there and then just left the place and went to the same hotel my gf was staying and got a room for the night.
I didn’t see the girl after that and my gf had a great tourny, we returned and the last 3 weeks have been so good with her. I’ve never thought my gf was into me before this, it’s like a switch turned and now we’re really having fun together. She’s going out of her way to do smth nice for me.
I spend all day feeling like shit over what happened on the trip, I told myself I didnt do anything so it’s ok but I know I’d count this as cheating. Idk if I should tell my gf when everything is so good rn and she seems so happy.
I know Im the asshole, this is the worst thing I’ve done in my life and i deeply regret. I dont know whether to break up with her and save her the pain or tell her.
What should I do
tell her or
break up giving lack of connection and sharing very little in common as the reason?
- So after the absolute fuckup of a situation we were in, I made it worse by ghosting my gf (f23) for a few days until she just showed up at my place VERY pissed. At this point she didn’t know what had happened but she was mad at the ghosting and cry/ yelled at me for 5 minutes which I just took bc what fucking right do I have to object at this point. I then told her all that happened and I have not seen anyone look at me the way she did as I spoke, I couldn’t look at her face while I spoke. She continued crying and just sort of scurried out of my place. I didn’t have the balls to go stop her or anything.
I woke up next morning to 3 missed calls from her at 4 in the morning. So I went to her place before work but she wouldn’t open the door and I just swallowed all self respect and begged her while literally standing outside. Rather humiliating situation but can’t imagine what she’s going through. We’ve since texted and called where all I do is beg. She then told me to come over, I did go with flowers, but she again didnt open her door and I talked to her through the door.
The same night she called me at 3 and I picked up and she was just crying and said some rather personal stuff that made me really sad (mostly just hating herself). I went to her place AGAIN at like 3.30 and this time she let me in, we hugged and cuddled for like an hour but she was absolutely mute and still as a dead fish. I naturally fell asleep and was woken up by her asking for sex (had her hand in my pants already). I turned her down which only led to more crying, she pretty much kicked me out but I was too tired to drive and slept in my car, she came woke me later and took me inside, again without saying a word.
Last night she called me again and said I love you (first time). Also kept asking who I was sleeping with, I literally went to her place again to prove I wasn’t since a video call wasn’t enough, slept at her place again.
We haven’t talked about whether or not we’re over or not but I think with the I love you, the cuddling and sleeping together we have a good chance.
Our relationship was SO good before I ghosted her.
Idk if this is a happy ending or not. I wanna know how I can help her trust me again, feel secure in our relationship, stop hating herself over my actions and fix this allround mess.
And now:
Over the last year we’ve stayed together mostly due to the fact that I have done a lot of work for our relationship, I’ve tried to be as good a boyfriend as I could. I’ve met her parents and they like me, one of her brothers does too. A couple of her friends hate me tho and they’re the ones who know the story.
Now she’s been quite short tempered, accusatory and emotional at most times. It’s not like that’s all we have, we mostly have fun together but it can get ugly sometimes and there’s quite a few triggers. I’d say maybe 5-7 times a month. I’m still begging, still apologizing but it feels tiring now. I do it bc I feel like I have to. Recently I’ve considered breaking up over it but how can I. I don’t feel like I have any right to.
She came back from another tournament 2 days ago having won and is over the moon, but she was still very suspicious of me while she was there and the night of her return after we celebrated she accused me of cheating again. It’s getting tiring. I know it’s more difficult for her obviously but I feel like she’s just rubbing that in my face and making me feel bad about it all the time, which I should and do, but why do it anytime we’re happy.
So my question is: Should I actually break up now despite all the effort we put in? After all we’ve been through together.
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Holy shit you both sound insufferable and not at all mature enough to be in a relationship.
That other site would be “oh my god dump her, blah blah blah”. This here, this is the correct answer.
You fucked up, clearly, but she doesn’t sound very mature either. If she’s upset about it a year later, she should’ve dumped you. Repeatedly bringing it up and continuing to accuse you isn’t okay. She sounds like she needs to leave this relationship for her own sanity. You shouldn’t be begging a year later either. Trust can take time to rebuild, but it doesn’t sound like it’s being rebuilt.
I feel like it will continue forever and not truly get any better. You’re both still very young so I don’t understand why you’d want to live like this. Trust is very hard to regain once it’s been broken. She’ll never fully believe anything you say. Normally kids and finances are the things that keep these things heading toward reconciliation.
I mostly agree, but I think some people can get past this. OP and their partner don’t seem like those people though.
Not yet, that’s for sure. Anyone I’ve seen pull it off has split up in an earlier stage of their lives and only got back together years later when they were more mature. Of course, none of them could afford therapy until later either.
Love is just a word. Trust and respect are real.
Getting past infidelity and restoring trust is a difficult process.
It’s also one that you don’t seem to be doing.
Either work together to develop a plan to restore trust (and follow it), or end it. It will not resolve itself, and it’s no way to have a relationship.
To be clear, people absolutely can and do get past real cheating in relationships.
There are a number of reasons a person might cheat, and most of them have nothing to do with the person being cheated on, or the person being cheated with.
To work forward from something like this, the offender has to to communicate several things very clearly and honestly. Why did you do it? Why did you think it was OK? At what point did you decide it wasnt OK and why? How do you feel about it now and why did it not get discussed sooner?
Ultimately, you’ve described a scenario where your partner is not able to give you the trust needed for a healthy relationship. It sounds like there’s probably not a lot left to be said about the situation between you and if that’s the case then the healthy and respectful thing would be to end the relationship.
If you can’t trust each other its game over. You can keep manually pumping that heart all you want, but eventually you’ll tire out and have to call Time Of Death.
Real therapy with a real couples therapist. If you think you can’t afford it, you probably can with research and prioritizing. It is worth it, and neither of you are self aware enough to do this on your own.
If you don’t do this together now, you’ll be doing this in a different relationship later.
Go to counseling, it might work, it might not. Really depends on how willing both of you are to change and grow through this.
It looks like you lost her trust and haven’t won it back in a year. And she is choosing to stay with you at the same time making you have to work for it all the time. At this point, there is no point staying in this relationship if there is a lack of trust, warranted or not. You both are better off broken up.
I don’t think you should break up, though I do think you need to spend some time having a deeper conversation with her about how she feels and just spend some time validating that, as well as going over what happened again.
I think telling her while she was angry / upset with you was probably not the greatest of moves.
Waiting for “the right time” often just leads to more lies and betrayals. Been on both ends, and both suck.
Trust = Love
Love = Trust
Without one ther is no other
