Hello!
I’m a 30 year old male living with my wife on a 3rd world country. We have no help from our families and we’ve been through some very difficult times, but we managed to get by. My wife had a severe case of depression and even tried to take her own life at a point.
Now things got a little better, even though we are in a tight financial situation. We both feel a lot better and we even managed to get off our meds (it’s nice to be able to save the money and get rid of the side-effects).
But, there is something weird that came as a consequence of all those bad times. Whenever I receive a text message from my wife, my heart races and my anxiety goes through the roof. It’s an irrational fear that the message will be bad news.
I don’t really know if there is such a thing as “text phobia”, but that’s how it feels (english is not my main language, so it’s kinda hard to explain). I alread mentioned this to my wife and I think it made her feel bad because she thinks it’s her fault. Of course I said it’s not her fault, but now I’m kinda afraid to bring this up again with her. We both are trying so hard to be strong for each other.
I wonder if anyone else had a similar problem and I would be very grateful if someone could give me some tips on how to work on this problem.
Thanks a lot and I hope you have a great day.
Oh boy. You have really been through some rough times, I am so sorry about that. Especially with not having family around for support.
So what you’re describing with texts sounds exactly like what I would experience with anything related to hospitals. My wife has experienced many severe health problems, and even TV shows about the medical world would send me into a tailspin. I would have physical reactions—heart racing, intense fear, etc.
I talked to my doctor about it and he diagnosed me with panic disorder or PTSD from the experiences I had. I was put on medication that helped a ton with panic. I also continued seeing my therapist.
I am not a doctor, but maybe you’re experiencing something similar? I know you don’t want to be on meds, but maybe it’s worth talking to a doc and see what they say?
At any rate wish you the best, these scary feelings are not fun.
As someone who’s lost their partner recently, this is exactly right. My favorite shows used to be medical ones and I cannot even see a commercial in a medical setting without getting pulled back to that day instantly. I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD because of the experience.
Sounds like OP has PTSD also. Meds and therapy for him and her, especially couples therapy, would be what’s needed. Don’t know what that looks like in a 3rd world country though.
Yeah, I think you are right, it may be PTSD. I didn’t think it was PTSD at first because I thought that my experiences weren’t as traumatizing as those war-related PTSD stories that we see a lot online. But now, looking back after some time, I realize how bad things actually were and no one would come out of it unscarred.
Unfortunately I just can’t add any medical expenses now, because money is one of our biggest anxiety causes and this month we are happy because we managed to save up a little. But knowing it may be PTSD can help me look for new ways to deal with it. Thanks a lot for the help.
You might get some relief from changing your notification sound/vibration pattern to something that wasn’t used during those times, or even use a separate messaging app for day to day communication to tone down those triggers.
If your wife is up to it, you could even reserve actual phone calls for critical things to reassure yourself the regular notifications are “safe”.
To maker her not feel at fault it might be possible to spin it as her supporting you, so she’s doing a positive thing instead of trying to avoid it.
Unless of course the fact you’re getting contacted while away at all is a problem, I hope that would be something you can work through with time and practice.
I am glad you’re doing better and hope that trend continues upwards!
Thanks for the advice. I think the support tip is actually already helping. I’ll try to change the notifications to see if it hels as well.
I get this anxiety as well.
I’m just waiting for a text message that will destroy my life as I know it.
Its happened to me several times already.
Happened to me so many times as well. I hope things get better for us.
Hello :) I think the phrase you are looking for is “notification anxiety”. If you Google that you’ll find a lot of information, experiences, and advice.
Thanks, I found some interesting stuff already. It’s good to see that I’m not alone dealing with this issue.
I recognise this. My sister had anorexia and was in danger for her life many times. I received some quite difficult phone calls and messages due to this. I have been scared of the sound of my phone for many years. I even got palpitations when I heard the sound of other people’s phones in public if it was similar to the sound my phone used to have.
Over time, the anxiety got less and less. I now still prefer to have my phone in silent mode, but I do not get stressed when the sound is on anymore or when I hear it. I think it got better once I got EMDR treatment for the PTSD I had due to my sister’s illness.
I, of course, cannot diagnose you or anything. But it might be a good idea to get some professional support. For me, it was difficult to get the help, as I did not want her to blame herself or feel bad about something she couldn’t do anything about. Her life was already hard enough. On the other hand, I felt guilty about getting help and not telling her. I did the latter and just got the help I needed without telling her.
I am not saying lie to your wife. My idea was to tell my sister eventually when she was stronger. I do want to say that if guild or wanting to protect your wife is stopping you from getting the help you need, maybe you can just go and figure out together with the therapist how you can tell her and involve her in the therapy. You are important too and you deserve help and support too.
This is me.
It’s been 15 years. 15 years I’ve lived like this. I was diagnosed with PTSD 18 months ago, just before I lost my mental health care. I have no help, no idea how to help myself. I’m sorry I don’t have anything helpful to add, I just haven’t come across people like me before. Plenty of people dislike the phone and avoid it, but they don’t break down in mess of tears and hyperventilation at the mere sound of a ringtone. I’m so embarrassed about it but I just can’t “get over it”.
Don’t be sorry, your reply actually helped. It’s good to know we’re not alone dealing with this kind of problem. And you should not feel embarassed, because the “get over it” mentality is toxic as fuck. Having PTSD is not your fault in any way.
Hey @HandOfDoom I answered a phone call today! I was expecting it (hospital stuff) and my pulse went through the roof when I saw it on the screen. All the usual happened, shaking, tears in my eyes, feeling like I was going to throw up. But I answered it - and I don’t think I would have done if you hadn’t have posted about your similar experience. Thank you 😊
That’s great! Thanks a lot for sharing this. I’m having a rough day and reading your reply made me smile. I’m happy my post could help you =)
I’m glad it raised a smile, but I’m sorry you’re having a rough day. Is your wife ok?
I was thinking a bit more about the steps I take with my mum so I can answer her calls, and if that could help you. We have a “code” for any phone calls that aren’t scheduled. She assumes I won’t answer so one missed call means she just wants to chat. Two missed calls means she was calling for a specific reason, she needs to speak with me about something but it’s not urgent urgent. Three missed calls means it’s an emergency - she absolutely needs to talk to me asap. She’s very good at not abusing the system so I answer the second call when I see it (my phone still doesn’t ring, even for her). Thankfully there’s only been a handful of true emergencies in 15 years.
I wondered if you and your wife could come up with a similar system - maybe using different messaging apps? Say normal, everyday messages go through WhatsApp but “I’m feeling bad” or “I need help” messages go through SMS. She wouldn’t even need to ask for help, using SMS would be enough to convey the message. Meanwhile you know that any message through WhatsApp is a nice normal (or even boring!) message.
I don’t know how practical that would be or if your wife would be willing to do it, or whether it’d even help, but I thought I’d mention it on the off chance. I’m wishing both of you the best.
Hey, we are feeling better now, thanks for asking :)
We’ll try different messaging apps if I can’t get better with some more time, that’s a good idea. Thanks again and I wish you the best too!
No need to be embarrassed. What you describe is more than enough to cause this type of response. I know it is different in different countries, but why can you not get help? Is it too expensive where you are? PTSD and these types of issues is treatable, so it is very likely that you will not suffer like this in the long term.
It’s a bit complicated. I live in the UK so healthcare is free - but the NHS is in a dire state at the moment. It’s so underfunded by the government it’s on its last legs.
18 months ago my family paid for me to see a private consultant for medical cannabis treatment - primarily to help my pain, but the effects on my mental health and sleep have also been really positive. Nobody can afford for me to have private psychiatric treatment as well, and the NHS simply do not have the resources to treat me.
So that’s where I’m at. Even if I stopped the medical cannabis (and honestly that would be a ridiculous thing to do - I’ve managed to reduce 90% of my opioid intake, I sleep through the night, I actively want to live for the first time in over a decade…) I don’t think you can even get a single private consultation for £150, let alone be treated.
That sounds like many complications for getting the help you need. I am glad people are supporting you, but it still seems very stressful.
If you ever get the chance to get further treatment. Maybe you can ask whether EMDR is useful in your case. For me it worked very well for my PTSD. I also think that, generally, it might require less treatments than other forms of therapy. So it might mean less of a financial burden. I am not a doctor, so I do not know what is best in your case, but you might ask about it.
Thank you 😊
Thanks, I will wait some more time to see if it gets better. It’s only been some months since we got back on our feet. If time doesn’t help, I’ll try getting us both on therapy again.
That sounds like a good plan. Time might make it better as well. But also do not suffer for a unnecessarily long time. Good luck. If you need to talk, just let me know.
10 years ago I started hanging out with a group of friends. I knew 3 of them since I went to high school, and I was in good terms with them at that time. And it was the most abusive experience I’ve ever passed through. Everything I said, even the most insignificant one, leaded into harsh messages by them on WhatsApp, to the point that I didn’t even read any message in fear that I could suffer an unimaginable psychological pain. Even I had goosebumps when my phone vibrated because I thought it was them, when it was just a random appointment notification or other stuff. And online too, especially when I was on Reddit, every time I wrote something, I had panic attacks when the bell showed me a notificacion. I can’t tell how much time that situation lasted because I don’t really know, but after leaving those scenarios, receiving my ADHD diagnosis and taking medication, that fear eventually disappeared.
Thanks for sharing, I hope my fear will also disappear with time.
This one thing stands out to me:
I alread mentioned this to my wife and I think it made her feel bad because she thinks it’s her fault. Of course I said it’s not her fault, but now I’m kinda afraid to bring this up with her again.
Yikes! That sounds like a very difficult communication pattern to deal with. Either you’re presenting it in a way that signals you do blame her, or she’s got some inability to hear problem discussion without hearing blame. Either way this sounds like a key component of any anxiety you experience around communication.
As for the text messages, you can use classical conditioning to alter that response.
Basically you’d just get a text message, experience your fear response, and then dedicate a few minutes to breathing as slowly as you possibly can. Specifically, you need to extend the exhalation as long as possible. Exhale longer than inhale will calm your body down. It can take a few minutes of that breathing.
The more times you follow that fear response with that breathing exercise, the more your body will learn to associate receiving a text message with being calm a few minutes later.
Generally speaking, it probably wouldn’t hurt to do that breathing exercise daily anyway.
Just inhale normally, hold a couple seconds, then exhale as long and as slowly as you can. And repeat.
