I am having issues letting go of my family. My dad, he’s awesome. Bought me a bunch of makeup and nails polish and is just generally wonderful.
My mom and one of my brothers at least are giant thundercunts. My brother cut me out of my nephew’s life cuz 8 “is too young to be thinking of gender identity,” even though they have been saying “it’s a boy” since the ultrasound. My mom is standing up for my brothers parental rights, yet won’t even say my brother is being a dickheaded bigot. “Cuz I’m 37 and old enough to fight my own battles”
I want my mom and my brothers. I’m really sad and hurt. I have told them as such. They do not care. How do I cut them out and let them go. It’s really hard.
I’m just torturing myself every day, trying to win them over. It hurts that they don’t care. I want them in my life, but not if they are going to be filled with so much hate.
Help?
I am not trans myself so I can’t speak to that specific situation but as someone who has let many people go in life: you cannot beg people to be in your life. Family, for some people, can just be bad people you happen to share DNA with. The hardest thing to realize is they were likely always this way, you just lived your life passably before and no longer meet their approval (which despite how much it hurts right now, you do not need to find happiness or success in life).
Treat your dad with kindness as long as he treats you the same. For the others, go no-contact or limited contact if it means you can keep in touch with your dad. Let mother and siblings realize how much of a cool daughter/sister they are missing out on, but do not attach your every hope on that happening because it may never, but that is NOT a reflection on you, if you live unapologetically with good intentions. Your goal is not to hurt them (it sounds like it isn’t working, anyway), but to heal YOU.
Lastly, if you haven’t already, please find some sort of therapy to help you deal with the situation. Trauma can reach every square inch of your life before you realize what is happening. Support is out there that can help you better navigate this until the pain subsides (or lessens enough to carry on). Therapy gives you tools to thrive, to find a relationship in yourself that no other human can give (or take away) from you.
The disclaimer of my post is this: I am not a licensed therapist or doctor; I am just sharing a singular personal experience in the hopes that it helps in some small way. Take care of yourself.
Why subject yourself to so much pain when there are others willing to share love with you? Make your chosen family.
My brother has been there more than my parents have. Whenever Mom and dad exchanged custody, he was there.
And I guess I have always had this idealized vision of my mom.its been two months, but I’m still having problems flipping that switch, allowing myself to let them go. 37 years is a long time, ya know?
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I saw in one of your other comments that it’s been two months. Do you mean you came out publicly two months ago? If so, I would say give them more time. Keep trying when you have the energy, or if you don’t have the energy that’s okay too just wait for them to come with you and deal with them as best you can.
It takes a long time for people to come around. I came out to my partner of six years and she had a really hard time with it for like six months, and then slowly over the next six months she started to come around. Now we’re stronger and happier than ever before!
Time will heal some wounds, and I found most of all, what people feared was that you would change. When they see that you’re still the same old person, just expressing yourself a little differently, then they’ll realize they had nothing to fear.
You just have to forgive their ignorance of your perspective and find new family to help you fufill your emotional needs. At least your dad sounds awesome! Mine both suck.
Take care of yourself so that you may care for others. Get out of there. Just because they’re family doesnt mean they’re good for you. You deserve better than to be mistreated. You deserve dignity and respect. It will be hard, but most things in life worth doing are. Best wishes.
You can’t change them. Like it sucks, but the reality is most come around, some don’t. It never gets easy. It’s not even cutting them out, it’s just spending less time with people you feel worse when you’re around
