I stopped going to any supports i had for 4 years at the moment cause i felt like i couldn’t communicate what I want because if i say i don’t know how to do some basic life skills they put me in a group with non functional people who basically have to be babied 24/7 which makes me feel too stupid for help.
Or that I sit down twiddling my thumbs the whole day cause I’m too afraid to ask if I should be doing anything at all cause I assume everything I do is wrong even if I know that’s bull.
I have severe trust issues (especially with myself) so I always expect the worse in everyone which is also fuelled by a lot of “normal” or “happy” thing bringing back traumatic memories so it feels like I can’t live in the happy society they have.
That I can disappear easily without a care from anybody makes me feel like there’s no hope for me to improve and have a basic and normal life, that all I can be is a hollow husk who is technically alive cause I sleep, consume and poop but that all I do until nobody provides me the bare minimum.
Edit I wanted to also add I’ve been misdiagnosed as autistic but I did the test when I was suicidal (tell me if i should edit that out cause of rule 4) at the time so I half assed it but nobody listens or cares.
Also elight comment reminded me of being medically abused by HeadSpace where they were giving me a different antidepressant every week so I’m sure they weren’t working as intended and i don’t think that works for trauma but i was forced to take them cause they threaten me with ECT Electro shock therapy which terrified me and made me afraid of meds unless I’m in extreme pain and that more me running from the pain overpowering my fear of med and psychiatrist
Sounds like you are having a really rough time, especially with trusting yourself and the world around you. And it’s not surprising at all because you’ve been hurt and abused by the medical system.
You mentioned trauma (I assume from childhood), add in the interactions you’ve had with the mental healthcare system that are also traumatic, plus any other current stress you are experiencing – no wonder you are overwhelmed.
Here’s the truth about mental healthcare in the US: you either have to be able to pay out of pocket for a good therapist or qualify for Medicaid and then know how to find a good therapist there (who will likely have a waitlist).
Community mental health centers and crisis centers have their purpose and are really important, but they are not good for healing trauma. You usually need to work with a dedicated and knowledgeable therapist for quite some time to see a difference (again, assuming childhood trauma – I could be wrong).
I understand that it’s really hard to put your trust back into the system, but there are good therapists out there. If you can afford $40-70 per session, check out Open Path Collective. You pay a $60 one-time fee and get access to a lifetime membership where you can pick therapists in your area through a directory.
You can also do work on your own! Here are some suggestions:
- Complete this wellness wheel to see what areas of your life could use some improvement.
- Learn some practical skills to heal PTSD using dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT)
- Discover and practice self-compassion with this workbook by Kristen Neff
Do not under any circumstances go back to the place that gave you new psych meds each week. They should have their licenses revoked for that.
I didn’t cause i had to run away just so people would listen to me and i’ve wanted to report them for years just been too afraid cause it’s my words (depressed and suicidal) vs them so i assume nothing will be done.
That is wise. Despite how horrible it sounds, the mechanisms of society aren’t available to those with their backs against the wall.
You’ll need to climb into higher status levels of society before you can effectively carry out things like that.
First you gotta get yourself secure, then you can go out and start righting injustices.
As for the conundrum of whether anything would be done, I’ve found a lot of motivation and meaning in life from considering such things from the perspective of assuaging my conscience, rather than based on expected outcome.
They say the naive trust blindly, the cynical do not trust, and the wise choose to trust despite knowing it might not work out. If it’s been nagging at you for years, you will probably benefit from the attempt.
Obviously, get yourself as stable as possible. Maybe even share your plan with another licensed psychologist, so that if they try to muscle you based on the provider/patient status division, you have someone of equal stature to counter them.
Or a lawyer. Heck most lawyers will give a free consult and you could probably get a reasonable answer to “How can I do this and make sure I’m safe?” in 5-10 minutes.
The lawyer will probably say “If you want to be safe don’t do it” but you can say “It’s important to me that I do this” and once they understand your goal is not just safety they’ll help.
I’m sorry (and I’m sure you’re tired of hearing that).
Have you been tested/diagnosed for ADHD? There’s a lot of overlap with ASD. Medication is highly effective among ADHDers. It’s not a panacea but it makes doing the work far easier.
No cause i don’t feel like I’m in the right mind for any diagnosis right now cause i feel like i need to be in a better state so my traumatized behaviour isn’t misdiagnosed again.
Edit: also your post reminds me of being medically abused cause of being suicidal and being threaten with electro shock therapy so I’m reluctant to have any meds unless I’m in severe pain and that’s more running away from the pain and i’ll add it to the main post as well.
That’s horrible! Again, I’m so sorry. Please, be kind to yourself as much as you can be. Shame often stands in the way of healing!
If you’re able to, I would suggest starting with therapy. A therapist can help sort out what is trauma and what is a mental illness. After that, you have the information to take to a psychiatrist. I highly recommend seeing a local psychiatrist in person, not a virtual visit.
It can be difficult and discouraging to find a therapist, but the payoff is worth it.
@[email protected] You might find some resources that suit you better at if-me.org | Resources
It really sucks that you’ve gotta experience that. I’ve had some very bad experiences in the (US) mental health care system too, even when I was fully insured. You aren’t alone. Note this press release from the UN Human Rights website: World needs “revolution” in mental health care – UN rights expert.
[…]
“I am calling on States to move away from traditional practices and thinking, and enable a long overdue shift to a rights-based approach. The status quo is simply unacceptable.”
He added: “Mental health policies and services are in crisis - not a crisis of chemical imbalances, but of power imbalances. We need bold political commitments, urgent policy responses and immediate remedial action.”
Mr. Pūras said there was a “grossly unmet” need for rights-based care and support. Progress was being hindered by huge power imbalances in the systems currently used in policymaking, service provision, medical education and research. Other major obstacles included the dominance of the biomedical model, with its overdependence on medication, and the “biased” use of evidence, which was contaminating knowledge about mental health.
[…]
