Ok, so it is sort of a known part of ADHD that we tend to talk a lot or our typed responses seem to be longer and involve a lot of breaks and punctuation (or whatever these are called). We do this to be clearer in communication. We do this to elaborate. And often for neurotypicals it becomes a point of frustration.
As women we also often have a different communication style or methods. It is often softer. There has been all these articles on it. How women apologize too much (what prompted this thought), minimize themselves linguistically and why/how we shouldn’t. And while I understand what they mean, I am frustrated with it.
For me “I’m sorry” is not an apology. It is only an apology when it is accompanied by qualifiers (I will not do x again, I will do better in the future, how can I make it right?) Sometimes it is social lubricant. Used in place of excuse me or to express empathy. When I say “I’m sorry your day has been terrible” I am not apologizing for your day. I didn’t make it terrible I am recognizing that it was bad and that sucks. I am leaving it open to you to elaborate on or move on from (whichever you prefer and this is where non verbal cues come in). If I didn’t want you to expand or wanted to find my way out of the conversation I would use “bummer” or simply “oh”.
And that brings me to the impetus for this long ass post. I was told once again by someone I apologize too much and should not. And it really ate at me. I am sick of constantly adjusting my language to make others more comfortable. Im constantly adjusting phrasing, tactics, ect to get my point across, be clear and be empathetic. No one else I know adjusts like this or to this degree. I put a ton of energy into my communication.
And if I should stop “apologizing” so much so that I am not as soft or so that I am seen with more self esteem, why can’t I say “Im sorry” as a non apology because that is what feels natural and best expresses my intention. I am sorry that the nuisances are lost on others.
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I also “over apologize”. My mom does too. We say things like, “I’m sorry this is so hard” or “I’m sorry your [insert injured body part] hurts!” when empathizing. We apologize if someone bumps into us.
For me (and my mom) this appears to be a learned behavior.
While I am from Minnesota, and my mom grew up in a small community a few hours from the Canadian border, I attribute this habit to my mom growing up with a mom who was pacified by apologies. For example: Every time someone in the family has a baby shower, my grandma is there, gifting several large wooden spoons with a “funny” anecdote of how she once broke a wooden spoon disciplining my uncle, while my mom always talked her way out of a spanking (by apologizing, giving compliments, taking on responsibility - essentially fawning). My grandma isn’t “a piece of work”, but I’m pretty sure she has ADHD (that lady cannot stop moving/talking!!), on top of a traumatic childhood.
I don’t have anything to add other than commiseration at this point. My tendency to apologize as a social lubricant worked until I was out of college, when I started receiving feedback that it was aggravating, annoying, and made me seem weak (by people I would consider socially aggressive/takers/abusers on the extreme end of the spectrum).
how do you know the adjustments some people make tho? you may not see it, and even they may not consciously realize it, but i’d bet most people do it pretty often. i have a hunch it’s one of the main things that exhausts introverts when they are forced to hang out and converse with people.
Unless you’re in Canada an apology can be construed as an admission of guilt. You have nothing to be guilty of for existing! It also dilutes the meaning of intentional apologies (even when further elaborated on) and makes emotions run much hotter when someone feels like an apology should be delivered but they don’t get one (from someone who apologies constantly). It can also make people who don’t know you feel like they’ve wronged you and damage their esteem/image of you.
I’m truly sorry for invading a space where I probably don’t belong (I fit neither adjective of this community, but my wife fits both and has similar feelings as yours regarding apologizing, albeit without explanation or promise to change when she’s truly sorry, just “really really really sorry”) I know these aren’t things that need to change to be a member of society, and the world will absolutely continue to turn no matter how many people you apologize to, but there are some people who would take advantage, and you don’t have anything to apologize for.
Also I do feel other people adjust their mannerisms when interacting in public compared to their nature in private, it may be easier for some than others but we (almost) all have a state we’d rather be in than what we put out in public.
I’ve had it brought to my attention that"it could be worse" carries a lot of negative connotation when asked how things are going/how are you doing, it’s definitely not been easy to adjust my favorite expression, and I’m not always consistent, but “good and you” is my new go to, even if I’m not good or don’t want to hear about them, it’s just expected.
Ugh I hate myself for writing all this. It just pains me so much to see my brautiful, intelligent, and determined wife express her seeming guilt to everyone she interacts with. I understand it’s just what she, as it sounds like you, say, but it does affect people around you, especially those who see the best in you all the time (in spite of the words you direct towards others about yourself) and are with you socially or professionally.
Ahaha. As a Canadian now living in America I am laughing over your intro to your comment. I am working on this myself because I often get caught up in this I’m sorry narrative myself. I don’t k kw why I do it. Perhaps my whole life of constant feeling I need to apologize for my own behavior. Who knows. But I’m getting better and trying to at least change the narrative of my words to be more appropriate to the situation.
