I am my gfs first partner, she is my second. The girl I dated prior (for 6 months) was a vlogger and for like 3 months made a lotta relationship and prank videos wth me which I was fine with at the time. Now my current gf is my first ever real crush and Ive been into her for a decade.
So my gf stalked my ex somehow, idk how consodering Im not on social media myself (this account is the literal exception). She then asked a LOT of questions about my ex, I dodged just about every question. After that she just pulled away and was distant and would barely talk to me or meet up. She finally told me she found my ex’s yt channel and watched every single thing on there.
Now I think Ive been VERY understanding and comforting to her, reassuring her literally every day since, being very loving and romantic to the point of cringing myself out. But she never really got over what she saw, idk if she rewatched that stuff or not but it was def smth thats always been in the back of her mind. She also knows that I broke up with my ex since I was moving countries and not bc the relationship was bad.
Now for the terrible part, smth i truly did not remember was that me and my ex had made a more personal video which was still saved somewhere on my laptop. I absolutely did not know of this and if I did I woulda gotten rid of it. Now my gf has access to my laptop (with my approval ofc) and she somehow stumbled upon it, I caught her curled up in my bed absolutely bawling her eyes out with the video playing on my desk. I have never felt this disgusting.
This is the first time my gf has denied my hug for comfort or just been so repulsed by me, she wont touch me while i explained everything, I deleted said video infront of her and begged her for a week. First she told me she needed to think things over but knowing her she wanted me chasing and I did just that, second week Ive given her space and theres been no change. We have had 2 dry 5 min convos in the last week.
How do I fix this or make it upto her???
Tl;dr: Gf found an old personal video involving an ex and wont talk to me anymore.
Honestly, you both sound like you have some maturing to do. She’s got insecurity/jealousy/stalkerish problems, and you’re acting like you have something to hide (dodging her questions was your first mistake).
Based on your description, you didn’t do anything wrong in your previous relationship. You don’t need to hide or act like it’s retroactive cheating.
By the same token, your girlfriend needs to learn to not ask questions when she doesn’t actually want to hear the answers.
I’d suggest that you give her a bit more space. Give her time to miss you and to get over herself.
I just dont wanna say smth that might hurt her. But yes I’ve long had a tendency of being secretive, it’s smth several close friends of mine have mentioned too.
Can I be honest?
It’s one thing to be empathetic. It’s another thing to be a doormat.
No need for that whatsoever 😭😭
Honestly, it’s needed. Your perspective on this is pretty off, and just typing this out should have told you your behavior was enabling at best, and… well, not going to say what at worst is, let’s leave it at enabling.
The first initial reaction is telling: she’s upset with you for having a previous relationship and instead of being understanding of her insecurities while establishing that being upset and being upset with you are two different things, you were falling all over yourself trying to apologize for having a life before her.
But then she “stumbles” (lol) upon the private video on your laptop and you’re still apologizing and trying to find a way to “make it up to her?”
The long and short of it is she is immature and confusing her own insecurities for your own transgressions, and instead of correcting that you are enabling it. You are her first real relationship, and you are setting her up for failure for all her future relationships because you’re setting the precedent that it’s acceptable. You are bad for her.
And you’re setting yourself up to be an abuse victim in every relationship you have. There’s a difference between empathy and desperation, and I don’t think you have the perspective to see the line right now.
Honestly, I highly suggest some therapy. As far as the relationship? Stop coddling the person who is supposed to be your partner, establish some boundaries, and stop apologizing for having a life before her. She might leave you (because she’s not ready for an adult relationship yet and these shenanigans are helping her learn) or she might not. But a relationship based on you jumping to apologize for her own issues isn’t going to help either of you.
I’m not even OP but damn. Mf god damn. Like, you’re right, and I’d never thought of it that way. I’m not sure I would. It’s a remarkably likely course of action I’d have never considered that I respect seeing the way I’d respect seeing a chess move.
I’m sorry man. I’m a lot older than you. I’ve been through the same things you’re saying.
You feel things. That’s ok. That’s good. But people will take advantage of that. The “tough guy” or “hard ass” trope didn’t come out of nowhere. It came because people needed to learn these lessons.
You seem like a good dude. Don’t stop caring, but accept the fact that people will take advantage of that and will use it against you.