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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-10-04 04:01:20+00:00.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Ok_Dress5215
My (27m) girlfriend (27f) keeps pushing me to try nonmonogamy and asks why I wonāt compromise when I push back
EDITORāS NOTE: OOP used Lucy and Lisa as different names for the GF. I changed Lisa to Lucy in the update to avoid confusion
TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual manipulation
Original PostĀ July 31, 2023
Weāre both 27 and have been dating for 10 months. My girlfriend, Lucy, is bisexual and has always been open with me about her kinks and fantasies, and bringing in other people (MMF, MFF, MMFF and so on) features high on her list. Iām pretty vanilla by comparison. I never guilt tripped her or shamed her when she opened up to me about these, but I always made it clear to Lucy that they were a bit above what I could provide, and that in particular I would never be comfortable bringing another man into the equation.
About 6 months into the relationship, Lucy suggested that we have an MFF threesome with another woman and that she would be happy to arrange it. I was a little apprehensive about this initially, as I didnāt want it to be used against me as a bargaining chip further down the line, and so constantly checked in with Lucy asking if she was sure it was something she wanted and that we would be doing together.
Not longer after the threesome took place, Lucy suggested that we visit a garden party together, which we did (and at which we only played with each other). She also suggested reaching out and meeting other couples involved in āthe scene.ā My understanding was that we would be befriending couples who were also dipping their toes in the water with garden parties and such, and have people who could accompany us to these kinds of events as friends. We matched with another couple on an app and met up with them a few times for drinks.
Earlier tonight, Lucy called me and hit with me with a curveball - she said that the past few months she had been feeling unsatisfied and unenthused by our sex life. This really caught me off guard. I knew that Lucy was more adventurous, and I thought I had been doing a decent job of accommodating this (the MFF threesome, the sex party, and talking to another couple). I was hurt by this revelation but I did my best to find out from Lucy what it was she felt was lacking and what we could do to fix things. After a bit of probing, it became apparent that she wanted us to experiment with MMFF nonmonogamy; flirting with another couple, playing truth-or-dare type games with them, ideally some form of swapping, etc. All things that would make me umconfortable and which I just canāt ever see myself doing, and yet which are extremely important to Lucy.
I asked Lucy if there was anything else at all we could try in order to meet in the middle. The subject of toys came up, but it was pretty apparent this was a mere sideshow. Lucy got a bit shitty with me at one point, insinuating I wasnāt being āopen mindedā enough, asking how I knew that I wouldnāt be into what she was asking, that the situation is unfair and that Iām not willing to compromise (even though she is the one instigating all of this whilst being fully aware what my boundaries are).
After a bit of back and forth it eventually dawned on us both that we were staring at the end of the relationship. I told Lucy I was hurt by the revelation but that I was still thankful that she spoke up, that she needs to do right by herself and not compromise on something if itās important to her. At this point Lucy became tearful, asking if this was the end, that this wasnāt how she expected the conversation to go, and so on. We ended up saying goodnight after promising weād have another chat about it later.
Iām writing this now having just gotten off the phone off her. Iām pretty gutted - being told out of the blue that your partner has been unsatisfied and unexcited isnāt a particularly great thing to hear. I think this is probably the end of Lucy and I, as I donāt see myself ever entertaining the scenarios she wants us to partake in, and even if she agreed to bury it there would be the risk of this coming up again at a later date. Since I started writing this Lucy has been texting me pleading with me to ācompromise.ā I am trying my best to explain to her that the boundaries she is asking me to compromise on are āhardā ones and which would very likely lead to me getting hurt, but the topic of compromise keeps coming up. Not sure what to do, I would appreciate any advice on how to navigate this and if things might possibly be salvaged without major boundaries being crossed. Thanks.
TL;DR OPās GF keeps nudging him to try forms of non-monogamy he isnāt comfortable with, claims he needs to compromise when he pushes back. Potentially a relationship-ender but OP wants to know how things might be salvaged.
ETA: formatting
RELEVANT COMMENTS
maps2001
Her idea of compromise is you doing everything she wants now and in the future. Do not compromise on something that will affect your mental health and believe me buddy if you get to see her being screwed by another man you will take a long time to get over it. You two are not compatible itās just that simple.
fiery_valkyrie
Whatās the compromise between monogamy and non-monogamy? There isnāt one. You canāt do half-monogamy. Itās all or nothing.
OOP Made a little edit to the original post
ETA: Thanks for the comments everyone, I think itās pretty clear that this is the end of the road for Lucy and I. I will have a chat with her tonight and tell her that weāre through.
Told her I donāt want to try non-monogamy, sheās now guilt tripping meĀ Aug 15, 2023 (2 weeks later)
A few weeks ago I posted in another sub about a situation with my GF (Lucy) nudging me to try forms of non-monogamy that I wasnāt comfortable with, and claiming I needed to ācompromiseā when I pushed back.
The consensus from comments on my post was that the relationship needed to end as her and I were clearly sexually incompatible, but deep down I was adamant that things could be salvaged somehow. Not long after our initial conversation, I explained to Lucy why her actions were wrong (pushing against my boundaries despite my repeated saying no), and she apologised to me. She suggested that we go away and write lists of activities that we would or wouldnāt be comfortable engaging in, and seeing where we could find common ground or āmeet each other in the middleā. It seemed reasonable.
The other day, we sent each other our lists. Lucy was clearly disappointed with mine, as I more or less ruled out partaking in all of the ethnical non-monogamy (ENM) activities that she suggested. I made it clear that I was willing to partake in monogamous activities from her list that she enjoyed (e.g. toys), but that didnāt seem to really cut it for her.
āIt is what it isā she said on the phone, with a sigh, her tone of voice one of clear disappointment. āIām the one whoās losing out here. You get to keep everything you want to do, but I donāt really get anything. Itās fine though Ok_Dress5215, it is what it is. I can just suppress my desires and keep them in my head.ā
I really disliked her insinuation that I was being obtuse or selfish for not willing to compromise on my boundaries, and I asked why me being willing to try the monogamous activities she outlined didnāt seem to count as meeting her in the middle. āItās got to be spontaneous, and I want my partner to enjoy it too,ā which struck me as odd - I canāt snap my fingers and suddenly change my enjoyment of or attitude towards a particular sexual activity.
I explained to Lucy that she was the one who told me a few weeks ago, with pretty stinging words, that our sex life was unexciting and unsatisfying for her, and that even after our list comparison exercise, the options for fixing this were clearly pretty limited, despite me being willing to give certain (monogamous) things a try. I told her that I now have all these ominous thoughts such as āis my partner ever going to be sexually satisfied by me? Is she going to end up resenting or cheating on me?ā swirling in my mind, and that some kind of reassurance that these fears were misplaced or that we could work through this would really help me.
She immediately clapped back with āwell what about me? What about all the things Iām having to give up?ā That really got to me, and it reminded me of our previous conversation where she had basically showed no regard for my feelings with her constant nudging up against my boundaries. I felt myself getting angry and knew a shouting match would just make things worse, so I abruptly said goodnight and hung up on her.
Before I went to bed, she sent a barrage of texts, explaining that she was upset by the situation, that she wanted me to feel more āremorsefulā because of all the things she now has to āsuppress and keep in [her] imaginationā. She also expressed that she felt āunappreciatedā for having to bury her sexual desires for the sake of the relationship.
This sat really uncomfortably with me. Why on earth would someone need to feel remorseful for not wanting to risk their own mental wellbeing just ā¦
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1fvqjte/my_27m_girlfriend_27f_keeps_pushing_me_to_try/
Really for the best. I would be scared too if my partner kept getting āTHIS inconveniencedā.
My head is all over the place. I (perhaps naively) hoped that things between her and I could be salvaged by comparing our respective lists and working with the overlap between the two, but if anything itās just made it even more apparent that her and I are sexually incompatible, and frankly her way of handling the whole situation has really upset me. I feel like, as in my last post, she has no real regard for my feelings, and is just angling for the outcome she wants, this time with lousy attempts at guilt tripping. I donāt think I can ignore the writing on the wall this time. I care about Lucy a lot but I hate how she keeps pushing and breaking me down like this, and her general lack of respect for my feelings and me as a person.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
Stuck-in-the-Tundra
Sheās trying to manipulate you into getting what she wants. This is a huge flag to part ways. Sheās made it clear she wants this regardless of your feelings and that her holding back is a favor to you. All it will take is one nasty fight and she will give in to temptation. Whether she tells you or not is up for debate but it likely will happen. Her mindset isnāt on making a monogamous relationship work, sheās more interested in exploring with you as a safety net. Spare yourself the further pain and heartbreak.
Fr33speechisdeAd
This ^ She probably already has someone in mind tbh.
OOP
To add a bit of context, Lucy is really interested in playing with other couples in an MMFF type setting (I am not) and when explaining this to me was adamant that this was only something she wanted us to do as a couple. Now, I obviously donāt want to explore MMFF, but I doubt that this thing is a pretext for her going behind my back and being unfaithful (famous last words I know).
That said, the damage has obviously been done - after multiple conversations with her itās apparent that our sex life is always going to be unexciting and unsatisfying for her unless I capitulate on this, and I donāt want to be in a relationship where my partner makes it clear our sex life is something that theyāre settling for (to say nothing of expecting me to somehow be grateful/apologetic for this).
Stuck-in-the-Tundra
Sounds like sheās either interested in trying the swinger/Poly lifestyle or is Poly. For you itās a hard no, thatās ok. Her wanting to is also ok. It can just make you incompatible. Monogamous people trying to be poly, and vice versa, usually ends with a lot suffering and hurt feelings for everyone involved.
Whatever you do I wish you the absolute best!
OOP Added a 2nd update to the update post/same day
UPDATE: Lucy and I have broken up. I broke the news to her yesterday, first via text (I initially told her that we needed to talk on the phone, but she insisted that if it was to break up that I just tell her over text) and then confirming it on the phone. She was super tearful and keep insisting that this was all a giant misunderstanding, that she was sorry for how she had behaved and that she would never hurt me, that she is happy in our relationship.
It was really hard hearing her so upset but I stood my ground. To be honest, I felt like she was backpedaling on things she had said earlier and downplaying how important the ENM activities she wanted to try are (they are things that she had expressed interest in repeatedly very early on, and so canāt be dismissed as passing fancies). I told her I appreciated her apologising but the damage was done, I canāt be in a relationship with someone Iām clearly sexually incompatible with, with no real chance of fixing it.
This was absolutely for the best but it still hurts. Lucy and I are giving each other some space. We had an upcoming trip together and I have a few of her things at mine, so we will have to meet up eventually to sort a few things out and maybe clear the air, and so Iāll need to be strong and make sure I donāt cave in. Thank you /r/offmychest for hearing me out and advising me, it means a lot.
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOPās OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7
Itās got to be spontaneous, and I want my partner to enjoy it too
As I understand it, ENM requires a shit ton of planning!
