An awful day. One of the worst. And all from my own actions and unrealistic expectations. I guess I just needed to type this out.
I blew up so hard earlier. I hate myself. Spent time in the mirror looking myself straight in the eyes listing all the things I truly hate about myself. I didn’t recognize the person I was looking at. I’m so exhausted of this cycle. How many times have I been in this same exact place? I feel so trapped with myself. I’m losing hope that medication will help. This is how I’ve always been and I don’t see how I can get better. I can have spurts of feeling better. But I’m so far from where I should be and seem to be getting worse. The only thing I’ve been consistent at in my life is fucking things up.
I really wish I could die. I don’t think I can kill myself. Not with my wife. Not with the dogs. Someday if there is a situation where those are not in my life, then maybe. Hopefully? I think back to when we put each of our dogs down and wish someone could do that for me. Inject me with something that will make me feel a calm that I have never experienced. Let me lay there on my living room floor for 5 minutes experiencing it as I fall asleep. Then stop my heart. That is fucking peace.
I need to work on expectations. I don’t know where they come from, why they change so much, or how to tell when they are unrealistic.
I’m so mad at myself for bailing on motorcycle class today. What the fuck was that about. Fucking coward. It wasn’t that I was scared. I was getting mad and frustrated that I was bad. Everyone else was riding in a straight line and it looked like I never rid a bicycle before. I felt myself getting so worked up and wanted nothing but to leave. I almost started crying on the motorcycle when the instructor was trying to help me. Then as I’m walking to the car after I turned my helmet in, I don’t think I’ve felt that level of shame or regret before. What a failure. Why do I just quit everything now?
But I started the day poorly. Woke up with plenty of time, but spent 20 min on my fucking phone. Then scrambling for safety glasses I didn’t prep. Scrambling to pack food. My wife had to get a water bottle for me and I still forgot it. Going around the house at 7am screaming because I’m not prepared for something I set 6 weeks ago. Then I get there and am just in the wrong state of mind, like fucking usual. A lot of times I can snap out of it but I didn’t.
Then get home and fucking snap. Screaming in my room. Bawling. Throwing things. Fucking kill me. Scaring my wife. Scaring the dogs.
I feel so toxic. So much hatred for things. For myself. The hate doesn’t linger but I let it consume me when it’s there. It comes in such strong waves. I think I’m constantly just failing to meet these made up and unrealistic expectations for myself. Then I just lash out at whatever I can.
Now I’m not at the family gathering scheduled 6 months ago. Another thing to add to the list that I hate myself for today. When my wife left she said something like she would stay home with me if I wanted. I felt so bad for not going with her. I told her no she needs to go. She’s the one that planned the damn thing. She told me she loves me and I said I don’t know why. What an asshole.
I feel so immature. So weak. So small. I feel so wrong. Incorrect. I don’t fit in. I make chaos for myself and bounce between one man made disaster to another. I’ve burned so many bridges this year. Lost my friends. Lost my job. I hate myself.
Now I don’t know what to do. have a headache from crying all morning. I’m starving. Absolutely starving. I don’t feel like eating. How do I just roll on to other things after a day like this. Another day like this.
Wanted to 2nd and add to some of the comments, and ask a question (no expectation of an answer).
Spiraling. Many, if not all, have been there and it’s an awful place to be. It will pass. You say you feel toxic, in that state you can be toxic to yourself, hence the suggestions for positive affirmations. It’s a way to form a habit of not beating yourself up; getting stuck in- or compounding- your lows. If every time you make a mistake you think of all the things you do right, instead of all the things you do wrong, that mistake feels like a fluke rather than confirmation of a negative self image.
Focus on the basics: eat, sleep, move. Adhd in much worse when you’re forget about the basics. I’ve been developing a habit of having low-effort healthy snacks around and eating more frequently and it helps (saying this now reminds me I should have some fruit and a protein).
Journaling can give a sense of relief, like what you wrote here. In time you may notice your triggers or common struggles and that can help develop systems to mitigate those issues. You mentioned not prepping your safety glasses or prepping lunch. Evening prep the night before is a great wind-down activity. You probably know this and just forgot or got distracted. It happens. Writing/reflecting like you did serves as a good reminder and can help build that habit (another downside to negative self talk: it can bury that info).
You mentioned you’re losing hope medication can help. Are you currently taking medication? You may want to talk to your dr. I started medicating recently and the first one i tried took me in the opposite direction. The 2nd medication was good as i was increasing, but then introduced some issues (so I’m now trying a lower dose and if that doesn’t help I’ll have to try a 3rd med). The journal can also help recognize patterns, timing, when you took what and how much.
Thank you for sharing your struggle. It’s not unfamiliar. Good luck on your journey. Wishing you the best. It’ll get better. Keep at it.
Engineered staple foods (such as Jimmy Joy, Huel, …) really took the pressure off for me. I can still cook or make something else, but having this very decent fallback plan puts me at ease.