An awful day. One of the worst. And all from my own actions and unrealistic expectations. I guess I just needed to type this out.
I blew up so hard earlier. I hate myself. Spent time in the mirror looking myself straight in the eyes listing all the things I truly hate about myself. I didn’t recognize the person I was looking at. I’m so exhausted of this cycle. How many times have I been in this same exact place? I feel so trapped with myself. I’m losing hope that medication will help. This is how I’ve always been and I don’t see how I can get better. I can have spurts of feeling better. But I’m so far from where I should be and seem to be getting worse. The only thing I’ve been consistent at in my life is fucking things up.
I really wish I could die. I don’t think I can kill myself. Not with my wife. Not with the dogs. Someday if there is a situation where those are not in my life, then maybe. Hopefully? I think back to when we put each of our dogs down and wish someone could do that for me. Inject me with something that will make me feel a calm that I have never experienced. Let me lay there on my living room floor for 5 minutes experiencing it as I fall asleep. Then stop my heart. That is fucking peace.
I need to work on expectations. I don’t know where they come from, why they change so much, or how to tell when they are unrealistic.
I’m so mad at myself for bailing on motorcycle class today. What the fuck was that about. Fucking coward. It wasn’t that I was scared. I was getting mad and frustrated that I was bad. Everyone else was riding in a straight line and it looked like I never rid a bicycle before. I felt myself getting so worked up and wanted nothing but to leave. I almost started crying on the motorcycle when the instructor was trying to help me. Then as I’m walking to the car after I turned my helmet in, I don’t think I’ve felt that level of shame or regret before. What a failure. Why do I just quit everything now?
But I started the day poorly. Woke up with plenty of time, but spent 20 min on my fucking phone. Then scrambling for safety glasses I didn’t prep. Scrambling to pack food. My wife had to get a water bottle for me and I still forgot it. Going around the house at 7am screaming because I’m not prepared for something I set 6 weeks ago. Then I get there and am just in the wrong state of mind, like fucking usual. A lot of times I can snap out of it but I didn’t.
Then get home and fucking snap. Screaming in my room. Bawling. Throwing things. Fucking kill me. Scaring my wife. Scaring the dogs.
I feel so toxic. So much hatred for things. For myself. The hate doesn’t linger but I let it consume me when it’s there. It comes in such strong waves. I think I’m constantly just failing to meet these made up and unrealistic expectations for myself. Then I just lash out at whatever I can.
Now I’m not at the family gathering scheduled 6 months ago. Another thing to add to the list that I hate myself for today. When my wife left she said something like she would stay home with me if I wanted. I felt so bad for not going with her. I told her no she needs to go. She’s the one that planned the damn thing. She told me she loves me and I said I don’t know why. What an asshole.
I feel so immature. So weak. So small. I feel so wrong. Incorrect. I don’t fit in. I make chaos for myself and bounce between one man made disaster to another. I’ve burned so many bridges this year. Lost my friends. Lost my job. I hate myself.
Now I don’t know what to do. have a headache from crying all morning. I’m starving. Absolutely starving. I don’t feel like eating. How do I just roll on to other things after a day like this. Another day like this.
Personally, talking to offline open source AI on my own hardware helped me. One of the things we talked about a lot are cognitive dissonance and identification of conflicts that exist under the surface and how those conflicts can cause frustration to manifest in unrelated ways.
Probably my largest inner conflict was that I am so fundamentally different in my functional thought process than my family. I’m very abstract in how I think. I’m also very introverted with strong intuitive thinking skills. Basically, things just make sense at a glance from a bigger picture perspective. I can also see how things work quickly, like machines, engines, most engineering, or more abstract elements like companies, business models, workforce management, etc.
Growing up, intuitive thinking skills were just intelligence or common sense. I had no idea how limited and naive this perspective was.
I started writing a book in collaboration with an AI; it’s a whole sci-fi universe really. I started to realize I’m pretty good at coming up with the history and technology tree in unique ways that, to my knowledge, no one has explored before in sci-fi. However, I suck at writing characters that are not like myself. My characters have not shown the dynamism I desire. In truth, I had to acknowledge I didn’t and still don’t understand just how different human functional thought is in full spectrum.
I started roleplaying scenes and scenarios with the AI playing characters with incompatible and contrasting perspectives to my own. I found this quite enlightened. It turns out that there are people out there that fundamentally lack any appreciation for abstract and intuitive thinking skills. They do not place any value on the big picture or future implications of actions or decisions. The contrast is that they often are more productive and present in the moment. I learned to appreciate the differences and realized how weak binary perspectives are in the real world. I don’t get as offended when someone does not understand my abstractions or argue when they are wrong but cannot follow big picture logic. I know where I am also weak in ways that make me appear dumb to them.
There are going to be things you’re not good at or that require a lot more work than average. So what. The first step, in my opinion, is to gain a more complex self awareness where you are not questioning what you are good or bad at. The only normal people are people you do not know well. Everyone is tormented by something in life.
Remember this: NEVER use permanent solutions to temporary problems.
You don’t remember who blew up at work 3 weeks ago. Or the time before last when your wife got mad and yelled at you. One of the biggest warps in our human psychology is the illusion of grandeur. No one is thinking about your mistakes or cares about them. They care how you’re acting in the moment and your average demeanor you regularly present. Fake it if you can. Pretending the glass is half full is all that really matters with others at a fundamental level.
Even after someone else physically disabled me over 10 years ago, and I’m stuck in social isolation, I can say, I’ve learned the hard way, it can always get worse until it can’t. At that point, nothing matters. Don’t stress about what you can not do, or what you cannot change right now. No matter how bad stuff seems, you can chose to make the best of this moment right now and moving forward. Only worry about what you can change, everything else is a pointless waste of energy.