I have struggled with depression and anxiety all of my life. I’ve had the feeling that things were going to end with crushing dissapoinment and tears. I have been able to get past that and stumble through life because there has always been some goal to reach toward. Finishing high school, college, moving out of parents, finding a significant other, getting a good job, etc.
There was always an underlying assumption that once x happens my real life will begin, and I will rise above my hang-ups. If I’m being honest that has been true sometimes, but in many important ways it hasn’t happened. I am still full of anxiety, self-doubt, self-loathing, laziness, immaturity, shyness, an inability to focus or pay attention to details, and more. I can’t keep up, time moves too fast.
I’ve made it far enough in life that I do have an ok job but with every year it becomes clear that I am not respected and my work and opinions are not valued. I have a partner who in many ways improved my life. But after 5 years I think she is holding me back as a person. She is an alcoholic and has many problems of her own. I spend more time worrying about her and making sure she doesn’t get upset than I do focusing on improving myself.
Now I’m about to turn 40 and the realization that this is it is speeding at me like a train. This really is who I am. I’m probably never going to be able to change. I really am not a particularly good person, in every possible way. I am a dissapoinment and failure to myself and everyone who knows me more than a few minutes.
I’m not suicidal but I think about it every day. What will probably happen is the strain will get so bad that I’ll either have a stroke or snap and leave my job and partner and become homeless or something. I can barely face my family and friends because I am so ashamed. I just don’t know what will prevent some inevitable terrible end for me. Every day I struggle to complete tasks and interact with others under the crushing knowledge that I am a failure and a fuck up.
Anyways. Back to work.
I think most of us* think this way, and have to un-learn this, since it’s flawed thinking.
We “rise above our hangups”, by continually working to be better people. We never fully accomplish this - just like physical exercise never ends, so too do emotional, mental, and spiritual exercise.
*When I say “most of us”, I mean practically everyone has to unlearn this at some point.
Therapy. If you’re not doing it, start. CBT - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy will likely help a lot, given the phrasing you use (such as above). If nothing else, go find a layman’s intro to CBT, such as “Your Erroneous Zones” by Wayne Dyer (a few bucks on Amazon, it’s from about 1976). I think you’ll see yourself in the first few pages.
As a bit of perspective - many thinkers over the eons have posited that our lives can be viewed in phases, and that we all more or less experience similar patterns throughout life (childhood, teens, young adult, etc, etc).
I’m not saying you can make this go away, just that the only thing any of us can do is continually work on such things.
But please get therapy - a doc will have better insight as to what can help you best.
Thank you for replying.
I agree with what you said about life being a learning experience we don’t master. My choice of wording was poor, because I never thought that my problems would magically go away after achieving x. More like, I expected to have overcome or learned to deal with my hang-ups by the time I got to x. I’m a grown ass man with the dysfunctional mind of a 13 year old.
I downloaded a copy of that book you recommend. I’ll give it a read.