spoiler
I think I hit the last straw today, I have been really trying to get a job, hunderds of attempts and nothing, I finallly get an interview and I thought I did well, I did’nt turns out, I have nothing. On top of that my friends are now asking for rent, this was the one city I finally had some form of a support system now I have to move back home and leave it behind and return to a place I did not have any support system once so ever. I will likely need to quit hrt due to lack of funds. I am now thinking instead of suffering like I did alone for years, why not just commit. My plan is to create a massive scene to make everyone hate me, I will than disappear and commit in a random town far away from here cause I don’t fucking care anymore. I am 2.5k in debt, nothing fucking matters. I have been holding out my entire life and shit never seems to get better. People just tell me well theres gotta be something postive in your home town :), but that comes across as a massive fuck you from someone who just was alone and cried in her bed constantly for years. and legit had nothing better to do than doom scroll twitter. I am humbling convienced that’s as good as I am allowed to have based on karma from actions I did when I was 12-14. I know I am gonna get banned for this post but everything feels so loud. I chugged a monster and I started to have chest pain I legit didnt care anymore I just needed to feel something other than the numbness. I legit don’t even know if I am real anymore and i LEGIT have no options anymore. I really doubt my friends would support me if I told them hey I’m sucidal they would likely just say we don;t know you like that and talk about how inappropriate it was to just drop that on them like that. I suck as a person I humbly believe that I deserve to be an unidentified jane doe somewhere. I also know I am very likely to be banned for this post but I really don’t care nothing fuccking matters anymore I cwed this post as best I can I just can’t fucking take it everything feels so loud ever since I read that fucking email, this is the millionth email I gotten like that
While I don’t relate to your situation entirely, I go through thoughts of suicide or running away occasionally. I have over 100k in debt. I have a Bachelor’s degree in game programming and didn’t land a job after college, so now I’m working minimum wage cleaning toilets and taking out trash, paying ~900 a month on just loan payments. I also have a $268 car loan payment. Half my income covers loans, if I work full time.
Im also in a lucky position. I don’t have rent, but I do pay all the bills, and property tax. I have a car still. I have my own place still. I can still work, and get to and from work. There were several times I almost lost my car. And if I did, I would also lose my job because I don’t have reliable transportation.
I consider running away at the same times I consider suicide, because I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live in my situation either. I think about going on the road and driving around the country, doing things I’ve never done before. But I am a gamer through and through, I build games for a career I am trying to get into. I also like sleeping in a bed, not on the ground, or having to inflate and deflate an air mattress (which i did for a while).
Do you want to die, or do you not want to be in your current situation? The decision to commit is a binary one, but there are many more options available by not committing, and you get to experience more you would not have previously. There are things I would have never tried if I didn’t make it to my current age. Ending my life at any point previously, and I would have missed out.
I still think about suicide or running away when I’m down, or anxious, or depressed. Most recently from bad days at work. But then I consider my options, and ask if running away or suicide is really a better option than just letting the current situation play out.
Try and find things to do or people that put you in a good place. Even while your world is falling apart, try and have fun, within your means. It will help clear your mind of bad thoughts and feelings.