Westminster Magistrates Court heard that 30-year-old Paolo Bollag stripped off in central London’s Kensington Gardens last April and indulged in a series of lewd acts.
Bollag, from west London, denied a charge of outraging public decency, and opted for a crown court trial. He was bailed on the condition that he does not enter the park again before it begins.
Magistrates heard Bollag had been pleasuring himself before ‘thrusting’ into an unspecified tree in the park, which it situated next to Kensington Palace.
The court further heard that the investment manager, whose LinkedIn profile says works at Oakley Capital, rammed soil into his underwear and rubbed his crotch.
Archive (original link - warning, it’s The Daily Fail)
He wants to fuck the world, so he became a banker.
I pray my dick gets big as the Eiffel Tower
so I can fuck the world for 72 hours
oh, to be young again
With undercrackers full of soil and a head full of Ent porn. He who is without sin, throw the first branch.
30 is the new 15
Cocaine is one helluva drug.
More like PCP
Can’t blame a guy for knowing how to party
Sexy Tree Holes and Other Arboreal Erotica by Emile W. Lozano-Holz
Nominative determinism gone wild (Holz means wood)
Well that was certainly a sentence
There’s more in the article, too!
How else are you supposed to have sex while you’re being hunted by The Predator?
I hadn’t considered this angle - are you his defence solicitor as that might just get him off. Although him getting off was the problem in the first place.
Come on, trees… are just sexy. Who hasn’t made sweet love to a stately oak, or shady elm, or wept with joy while wooing a willow? And don’t get me started about cedar with her lovely perfume that makes you want to seed her.
But pines are straight out! Good luck getting the resin out of your pubes!
Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?
Oh it’s you bb
