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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2024-06-26 04:19:17+00:00.
I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/Extreme-Bus7141. He posted in r/AmItheAsshole and his own page.
Mood Spoiler: frustrating for outside reasons, but hopeful for OOP and his wife
Original Post: June 17, 2024
I (21M) have been deployed for the past 10 months and I will be getting home in 1 week. My wife and Iās plan was for her to be the only one to know what date I was coming back, so that when I get leave we can go back and surprise all of our family and friends.
My wife (21F) visited home a couple weeks ago for a family event, and while she was there she spent a day with my mom and 2 younger sister (hs age). My mother is very pushy and hates surprises. So much so that me surprising her by coming home would make her mad at me. My wife and I knew we would eventually have to tell her because of this, but weāre waiting until the last minute because she would have told my sisters if she knew my date. Well, while my wife was there, my mom pushed and pushed. Telling her that she wouldnāt speak to her, let the girls go places, and she had to know so she could take days off work. My wife gave her a week range of my leave (a couple weeks after I get back) so that she could request off.
Well, my mom texted me today Telling me that she would be here for the welcome home when our plane lands. I asked if she cleared this with my wife, seeing as she apparently planned to stay with us in our 1 bedroom apartment, and she said no. I asked if the girls knew and were coming, and she said no.
My mom has done a few things that presses between my wife and I, so I lost it on her. Told her I wouldnāt be giving her the date that I fly in, that if I wanted her there I would want my sisters there as well. I stopped there until she started complaining that she was a single mom who raised me on her own, and that I should want to see her first. Thatās when I told her I didnāt want her in my house at all when I first get home. I am a married, grown man now, I donāt need my mom, I want to see and spend time with my wife first and foremost. She pressed further saying āIāve been here for u since before u were born, sheās been here for 4 years.ā Eventually trash talking my wife, saying she doesnāt even have a real job and doesnāt contribute. My wife is a nanny while she is in school, and she gets paid well, so she absolutely does contribute more than enough.
This is where I may be the asshole. I told my mom that I was tired of her badgering, that I wanted to come home to my wife and be alone in our home with our pets. My wife and I would not want to host her, and we wanted the house to ourselves so that we can have sex wherever and whenever we please because we havenāt seen each other in so long.
My mom cried. Sheās sending me long paragraph texts every few hours about how she doesnāt know where her caring son went, about how I need to let my wife go because I use her for her body, about how all I care about is my own pleasure, and I have no care for my family at all.
So Reddit, AITA? I havenāt responded to the messages my mother is sending, but if I get ideas from the possible comments, I might
Relevant Comments:
Commenter: Good job finally standing up to her. Stop giving her info and stop talking to her. āMom until you learn to act like an adult and stop trash talking my wife to me, I will not be communicating with you. I am very disappointed in you and how incredibly selfish and immature you are acting.ā Donāt make your wife deal with this jerk.
OOP: I havenāt given her info. She told me she was coming for my plane to land and she didnāt even know when that date was. The only info she got was from my wife, and was quite literally worded as āhe will likely have leave within these few weeks, but those weeks could change.ā
Could she find you at the airport?
OOP: She wonāt be able to even if she wanted to. The runway we land on is on base.
(to a different commenter): She literally cannot get onto base without me or my wife with her, or my permission for a visitors pass. I wonāt be giving that permission, so she can try everything she wants. Sheās not getting in.
Commenter: You need to tell your CO and XO about your mom. Do not put it past her to try contacting your unit to get information on where you are, when you are, and how you are coming home. As embarrassing as it is, youāve got to protect yourself here and probably go low to no contact with your mom for a while.
OOP: She did this in basic training. Called the base I was at SO MANY TIMES that they had to pull me from intake to call her and tell her to leave people alone. After that, I knew she didnāt need information. She doesnāt even fully know my MOS.
Commenter (part of a longer comment): Sheās an example of a manipulative parent. Hereās a paragraph from a article about manipulative parents, and their signs : āParents using emotional blackmail will often threaten to withdraw their love or approval if the child does not comply with their wishes. This can manifest as guilt-tripping the child, making them feel responsible for the parentās happiness, or expressing extreme disappointment when the child does not meet their expectations.ā
OOP: That paragraph fits what sheās been doing to a tee. What confuses me is none of my momās behavior like this started until we got married. Before, when she was my gf, she always wanted her around, joked about trading me and my wife, invited her everywhere my family went, now it bothers her when we spend time together and she isnāt invited when she thinks she should/can be.
Commenter: Sheās jealous of your wife. She wantās to be close to you (platonically, of course). Iāve heard cases like these. She obviously cannot grasp the idea of you becoming an adult. You need to tell her know your not her little boy anymore.
OOP: I have. It didnāt work much, so I just started going LC. Mostly keeping it about my sisters, if we will visit, and of course this because I wasnāt willing to just let her think she could step in on me and my wife. ESPECIALLY without consulting my wife first, considering she is the only one home taking care of our place right now
Commenter: sounds like a tough situation, man. i had something similar with my in-laws once - itās not easy to navigate family dynamics sometimes. do you think sheād respond better if your wife talked to her instead?
OOP: No, I think she would go after her more honestly. After her telling my wife she wouldnāt speak to her or let my sisters spend time with us if my wife didnāt tell her when Iād visit home, I think having my wife tell her she isnāt welcome would go just the same if not worse.
Not only that, but my wife is a people pleaser. She extremely sweet and would do anything to accommodate anyone, even if it isnāt what she wants. Sheās getting better about having a āstronger spineā as she calls it, but I donāt want to put her into a position that would make her uncomfortable.
If my mom went to my wife herself, I would want my wife to stand up for herself, but I donāt want to ask her to do that for me.
Commenter: OMG, you need to go either NC or very LC with your mom. JFC, wow, thatās justā¦wowā¦ been thereā¦mom was the last thing I thought about when I got back from deployment. I mean God forbid you get stationed overseas. What will she do then fucking move in? You need to nip that in the bud now.
OOP: I already donāt contact her much outside of for my sisters and neither does my wife. Our plan when my contact ends is to move to a base even farther from home, where we would have to fly for visits. That would take our amount of visits down a lot because we travel with our pets, but theyāre both large dogs and we donāt want to put them under a plane, and plane tickets on top of pet boarding is expensive. If people would want to see us, they would have to come to us.
Oh and my mom refuses to get on a plane ;)
Commenter: NTA. Your mom is way too involved in your life. Has she always had such an unhealthy attachment to you?
OOP: After reading the comments and thinking back on how things have been when I was a kid to now, it seems that when our dad passed away I became her stand in.
(to a different commenter) She practically expected me to be a āfather figureā to my sisters starting at 8. Even now, I have my momās calls blocked because when my sisters are in trouble, she calls me and tells me to talk to them instead of dealing with it herself.
OOP is voted NTA
Update Post: June 19, 2024 (2 days later)
A few people asked to stay updated, so here is the first one. Spoiler alert, itās not necessarily a fun one.
Unfortunately, because of another wife sharing our flight date all over Facebook, our return has been pushed back an entire month.
I called my wife to let her know, and we are both devastated. I only had enough time for one phone call, so I asked my wife to let family and friends know, including my moā¦
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- Spacehooks@reddthat.comMEnglish1Ā·3 months ago