Hello dads,
I’ll be a dad myself shortly, and it’s entirely planned, we discussed the idea and then worked towards making it happen. My wife is over the moon and loving the whole process and I’m struggling to see it as a positive change. All I’m seeing is more bills and tasks.
I want to be excited and enthusiastic during the pregnancy (and of course afterwards) but I’m struggling to see this as a positive change for our next - at least - 5 years.
It’s causing some stress between my wife and I, when really I’d much prefer we were bonding now in preparation for the stress our relationship is going to need to endure after the baby arrives.
I guess this is partly just venting, I feel like anyone I know that I might say this to, would think I’m a bad person considering it was entirely planned and now I’m not feeling it after its too late to undo, but if anyone has some ideas on how I can focus more on the positives (I do see them… watching their personality growing, seeing the world from their fresh perspective, a sense of investment in the future, etc. I just struggle to focus on them) of this and less on the incoming bills and sleepless night and relationship stress, so my wife and I can bond, it’d mean a lot to me.
I’m also concerned that I’m seeing the baby as a problem instead of a… Source of joy? and that this might mean I don’t really have a natural parental instinct, so I won’t love it like I should, but instead see it as a series of chores and costs and problems.
I’m a dad of two. I really enjoyed the book “The Expectant Father” by Armin A Brott. It really helped me understand how I was feeling and what my wife was feeling and what she was going through, too. You can find a PDF online I’m sure if you don’t want to buy it.
But anyway, congratulations!
Oh, and babies don’t need as many things as we imagine they do. So avoid buying everything you think you’ll need and just prepare the basics. You can buy things when you find out you need them. And don’t be afraid to buy used clothes etc. babies grow up super quickly.
The way you are feeling is perfectly normal and I’m sure you will be a great dad.
General worrying is fine and it seems like you have a good grasp of what to expect.
Is having kids easy? No. Is it worth it? Yes. I wish I could tell you newborns were easy, but they weren’t (for me anyway). They can’t talk or move, they typically don’t sleep for long periods of time, need to be fed or changed constantly. The good news is that they are adorable and you will hopefully enjoy them anyway (some parents actually prefer this stage the best).
I prefer the toddler phase better, when they start to develop, move, talk, and play.
Remember that it’s OK to not be perfect, just be there for your family and try to enjoy the time. It’s over a lot quicker than it seems.
They say a woman becomes a mother when she first feels the baby stirring in the womb, but a man only becomes a father once he sees the baby for the first time.
I’m not a bio parent myself, but if that stereotype is true I think you should expect some emotional discordance during this phase.
I think you aren’t wrong to be worried, but I think if you focused your mind and energy on nesting and getting excited with your wife, it would help bridge the gap.
I’m 100% sure biology will win out and you will be changed forever when the baby does come
Father of a 2 year old chiming in. The saying that a woman loves the child at conception, the father falls in love when he meets them, is so true.
I felt the same way. So unenthusiastic. Going through the motions just to be supportive. Now I love this kid more than I thought I could love anything. It’s so fun being dad, and it gives you a whole new life to experience the world through all over over again.
