To give an idea of our family: My partner and I have two children with two other parents. We are two fathers and they are two mothers. We both live in our own houses and the children are with us half of the time. But I guess explaining that further is a topic for another time when there is interest (let me know).
What I struggle with at the moment is my partner. And I would like some advice or maybe somebody who can relate. My partner wanted children so much when we started all this, but lately after our second child is born he seems different. He cannot deal with two children alone and finds it very difficult to handle the crying of our newborn and the needs and nagging of our 2yo. We all have a parenting day that we are alone with the children (with exception of one of the mothers who is also still there every after 8h to ensure the right bonding). He gets really stressed out, tired and emotional. His coping strategy is to try to contol everything about the two children and he seems obsessed with them both sleeping. In his opinion they are both always tired and should sleep more. Anything I try to say to help makes him angry and makes him feel like he is a bad parent. I can wait untill it gets better, but he is so stressed… I don’t want him to get burned out or something.
This is difficult to respond to without further information. Does he want to be alone with the children or does he feel obligated to? Is he easily overwhelmed in other situations, or only this one? Did he have a nice youth with parents whose behaviour he can model, or did he not have a good example of how to deal with children? Did you discuss with him what exactly is making him stressed?
We did discuss it, however he gets angry fast.
Parenting is tough, especially with 2 young children. Maybe next time he’s feeling like a bad parent remind him that a bad parent wouldn’t care and wouldn’t even be able to see their shortcomings.
That advice changed my life the first time i heard it
Yes thanks! This is a good way to look at it.
It’s hard to be breadwinner, servant, coach, and role model. At first they’re entirely dependent on you. Pretty soon they are listening and watching you. So it’s really important to model good behavior. Kids have their own ideas about what they want to do and how they want to do it.
Yet they are dependent on you to reach them. You aren’t teaching them to do what you say, you’re teaching them to live their own lives.
To Live On Their Own.
The most important lesson is that you aren’t in control of your children and they need to learn to do things on their own and live without you.
It’s hard. You want to do the right things. Kids don’t. Kids love to stay up late, get spun up, and throw a raging dance party on a weeknight when you need to be up at 5am for an important meeting. That’s not easy.
You’ve got two different ages with two different aspects. One a baby that’s entirely dependant, and another that’s already learning to live without you. Leaning to grow without being entirely dependant.
The baby needs constant attention whereas the older kids will hate being told exactly what to do or NOT to do. Or exactly what you need right now. But they love suggestion, encouragement, direction, and pointers. You can sort of “trick” children, gamify actions, tell them what you love about them doing their own activities.
But most importantly they need routines so they get into habits, especially if you want a hope and a prayer of going to sleep on time. They need real exercise, dinner, bonding time activities like a puzzle or book, bath, song, bed time story, bed.
It’s work. But if they don’t follow your lead that’s fine. It’s their life too. They have to learn from natural consequences.
But babies cry. They can’t really communicate. Sometimes you wont sleep, don’t fight it… Don’t get mad. Work can wait!
There is always a solution to the problem at hand that doesn’t require the baby cooperating. They’re a baby. So give up on being in control.
Babies don’t understand yet so you can’t always remedy the situation. It’s better to leave the baby be and let the baby do it’s own thing than try to force your will on the baby.
So if you get upset take a break, smoke a cigarette, go get a beer, call a friend even if it’s 3 in the morning. Whatever. The baby is not going to understand what you want.
People get weird when they get tired. Being tired enough is just as bad as being drunk, so remember, if upset with crying baby… Babies cry, they stop when they choose. A baby that keeps crying is better than a shaken baby… A shaken baby is still crying and now has a traumatic brain injury.
Sure. babies often cry because they need a diaper change, a raw bum, an upset tummy, or are teething, or or they need to soothed by a song. But it takes time to figure all that out and establish a bond or communication. Sometimes I just had to bounce the baby in the rocker or rock the baby in the recliner for hours so one of us could get a nap or the baby would cry cry cry nonstop. If constant soothing of the baby is not how you want to spend your time right that moment, the crib with nothing else in it is a lot safer than being angry or upset with the baby!
It’s about communication and cooperation between the parents to raise a child that will grow up to not need you but to live by their own will. Accept that early and embrace your child’s independence and want to do things differently than you envision.
