This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.
The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-10-12 04:01:01+00:00.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/epicfailwhale
AITA for refusing to pay my sisterās wedding expenses after she called my child a āmistakeā?
Originally posted to r/AITAH
Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/ellenessie for suggesting this BoRU
TRIGGER WARNING: murder, physical assault, threats, drug use, possible mental health issues, theft
Original PostĀ Sept 28, 2024
Hi, guys, so I created a profile just for this - I have a main account I use for my art. I donāt really know how to post on this sub though, so please excuse any mistakes - also I think itās important to give a TW as this had violence and death involved and I know from personal experience that it can be triggering:
So, I (F32, Deanna) am the eldest of five siblings, and Iāve taken on the role of the family caretaker for as long as I can remember. I helped our parents until their passing, and, frankly, itās exhausting. Dad died of brain cancer 3 years ago, and it was heartbreaking to watch him deteriorate over time, and Mom passed peacefully overnight after a long hard battle with breast cancer earlier this year.
FUCK cancer.
So as the oldest, I just sort of became the de-facto parent. I donāt mind as I love my siblings, and its kind of my thing to ābig sisterā friends and family a lot. Iām sort of shipās counselor, and I financially help out my family. I donāt mind, as I work in tech, have a side gig doing art, and inherited land and money from mom and dad- all that to say itās no real loss.
A few years ago, I adopted my cousinās āCharlieā M45 child who I will just use her nickname āDeckerā (my baby loves kickboxing) after my cousin went to prison for murdering the Deckerās mother in an alcohol and drug-fueled rage - which is too long a story to add here. It was a chaotic year of mourning, paperwork and court hearings, but the adoption was finalized when the Decker was five. Now, sheās a happy, healthy 13-year-old who calls me āMom.ā Sheās in therapy, and has been since I legally could send her as she witnessed her motherās death, and I couldnāt be prouder of how resilient she is. Sheās my girl, my rock-star, my whole heart and I call her that - literally āMy heartā.
Fast forward to my sisterās, Clara (F30), upcoming wedding. I was thrilled for her at first, and she asked me to be MOH. I cried in joy and offered for my wife āHoneyā (because we like The Incredible lol) F40 and I to pay for it (donāt worry I asked Honey first).
But during a bachelorette dinner I set up, she made a hurtful comment about my daughter, calling her a āmistakeā and saying I āshouldnāt have taken her in.ā I stared at her and asked her what she meant and she said it wasnāt like I was supposed to even have kids, as I am married to another woman - then said āno hate or anythingā and laughed but then she doubled down that Decker is likely damaged and a handful.
Guys, Decker is the SWEETEST child alive. I mean she is a teen so yeah sometimes she can get challenging or rebellious here or there, but when I say she is my WHOLE heart, I mean it. She made us a family, and made our house a home. She smiles easy, cries openly and has the emotional intelligence I WISH I had myself. She always asks āhow are you doing?ā and she really means it, willing to listen to people. But sheās a ādamagedā āmistakeā!?
I felt like a character in a dark, twisted episode of a sci-fi showādefending my choice to adopt felt like fighting the Borg, like I just wouldnāt assimilate. I didnāt laugh it off with my sister and her friends. I just stared at her in pure disbelief. I think she knew I was hurt because she quickly changed the subject. I said I better get home, paid for everything and 3 more rounds and went home to my family.
My sister came over the next day to yell at me for leaving and ācutting them offā after the 3 rounds I paid for. She said I owe her a do-over for ruining the whole weekend because I canāt take a joke. Honey, who I of course told what happened, asked my sister to repeat exactly what she said about our daughter. My sister refused, and kept calling Decker āCharlieās childā and I just was holding back so many tears.Ā I told my sister that I wouldnāt be contributing a dime to her wedding expenses - that I wonāt stop helping her pay her rent up until she moves in with her husband, but I wonāt be in or pay for the wedding of a person who sees my child as a mistake.
Honestly, I was ready to go full-on Jedi and sever that connection but Honey helped me temper myself. My sister lost it, threw the can of soda water we gave her at me, screamed āHow am I supposed to pay for this!?ā and I said, āYou have over a year, you can save up.ā - so left, showving Honey out of the way in the process and blew up our sibling group chat. My other siblings are split. Some think Iām overreacting with cutting off funds for the wedding, while others agree that my sister crossed a line and needed the wake up call.
Now, I feel bad for my sister - I do love her and she is distressed by this - but I canāt shake the feeling that standing up for my daughter is more important. AITA for refusing to pay for her wedding after that?
I am adding this in edit option -
Iāve been working on my work project at a local brewery and have been silently sobbing in reading the comments.
Also wow so many comments! I was trying to reply to everyone but I honestly ran out of steam. I sent this post to my wife and also just bracing myself to talk to Decker tonight. We want to ask her of her aunt has done or said anything cruel to or about her. I am wishing hard that shes just confused by our questions and remain oblivious of this shitstorm.
I love my Heart. I want her to always remain the bright, fun, loving, encouraging person she is. I donāt want her to know anything about what her aunt has said.Ā I texted my sister if she meant this, if she really sees me, my wife, and our daughter that way or was she just drunk and stupid and doubled down in embarrassment. That said, I donāt want her near Decker anytime soon.
I feel so lost. I wasnāt planning on ever being a parent and there is no fucking manual for this. What the fuck do I even do??
Wish me luck for tonight. I will need it because if Decker tells us her aunt has been cruel to her face, I will have to hold my wife back from swinging on my sister.
UpdateĀ Sept 29, 2024 (Next Day)
I am trying to keep this short.
Honey and I took Decker out to the local Oktoberfest celebrations. She had a blast, did crafts, danced to music, had ābeerā (it was not beer) in a pint glass, and generally had a great time.
On the ride home my wife broached the long awaited topic. We asked her how she felt about grandmaās passing then went into how everyone handles things differently. We asked if Mama (me) or Mommy (Honey) ever was hurtful and she named a couple moments weāve been snappy or wouldnāt let her do things (like a party at 2am!? Hm.) But no nothing else. We asked about Clara and she got quiet. Honey just looked at me but I was driving, so I just said āYou can tell us anything, goober, you know thatā and she clammed up.
I got my girls home and hugged my Heart/Decker and went to the den. About 2 hours later my wife came downstairs to me and said Decker is in bed but no asleep and I should talk to her. I asked why and she simply said that Decker is willing to talk about it. I went up.
Decker was ready for bed, in her PJs, reading. I just sat down on the side of the bed and asked her how she was. She just said āMom told you huh?ā I told her I didnāt know anything and Decker then said that Clara makes her uncomfortable and said hurtful things. When my wife and I werenāt around, Clara would call her the ālost puppyā or āthe strayā and once Decker remembers her to have told her to her face āYouāre not real familyā and that once Honey and I get a āreal childā we will dump her.
I canāt explain the rage. The absolute, total, and complete red I saw as my daughter broke down telling me that she behaves so well and is so obsessed with grades so she can prove she is worth loving, worth keeping.
After calling my wife we sat her down and told her that she is the best thing that ever happened to us and that even if we do have more children, she is our firstborn and our love. I cried and held her telling her she was my whole heart and that nothing will ever change that. She saved us, and I am so proud of her and us and all weāve grown to become. I canāt ever stop loving her. Neither can her Mom. We love her more than air. That will never change.
Then I explained that auntie was wrong for this. Auntie is jealous of her. Jealous of how much we love her. Auntie needs help but we canāt give that help so she wonāt be around for a while. Decker asked us to stop talking to her like a child, so I was blunt. āSheās my sister and I love her. Youāre my daughter and I love you more.ā I told her my sister was wrong and hateful. Iām sorry that she didnāt feel she could come to her mom or I.Ā But she can. Every time. Any time. We will choose her. Always.
Decker asked me of its her fault I āhateā Clara and I just told her hate is a choice anā¦
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1g1rxpa/aita_for_refusing_to_pay_my_sisters_wedding/
Definitely some projection going on here, Decker is suffering for the sins of her father.
Decker remembers her to have told her to her face āYouāre not real familyā
Even if you donāt see this girl as your niece, she is still your cousinās daughter. Like she is absolutely family by any definition.
100% agree. Clara acts like the kid us at fault for her cousins actions. Clara needs help badly for treating an innocent child with so much disdain instead of head pats and hugs. I think this family has some issues on what family means based on what OP said on how they treat members that need extra help.
I understand why OP washed hands of Clara but I kind of agree with Kevin. Clara is losing her mind hard. She needs help right now from her other siblings before getting the police involved. I would have saved that footage for when she really ran out of chances and needs a restraining order.
Decker asked me of its her fault I āhateā Clara and I just told her hate is a choice and I donāt hate Clara. I do love her. But sometimes loving a person means you correct them. Actions have consequences.
My daughter got quiet and handed me her phone and Clara had been texting her AWFUL things since she left my home. I canāt even type them because I want to throw things but itās when I read my fucking sister texting my teenage daughter āGo tell your so-called mom like a snitch and prove me rightā
I took a screenshot and texted it to myself. Decker fell asleep around midnight and my wife and I went to bed. I texted my sister the screenshot and said:
You come into my home as my sister and treat my child like this?
No.
Mom and Dad would be ashamed of you. This is not how you treat any child. Let alone your own neice. I have loved you since as long as I can remember. I know you were not raised to treat children so terribly. But as of now, you are not accepted in my home. You will not speak to or contact me, my wife, or my child.
I will give you the money for October, Clara, but Novermber on? Thatās your responsibility. I am no longer going to help. Iām sorry. This breaks my heart. But you crossed a serious and unforgivable line.
Decker is my daughter. I am her mom. Do not doubt me here, and I want to be clear - if you ever come sideways at my family again, or contact my daughter at all, I will take legal recourse.
From today on, we are low contact. If you try to make this into a bigger issue, it will be no contact. If you donāt understand, here are resources to help spell it out.
I love you, Dee
Update 2 Oct 2, 2024 (3 days after 1st update)
Update 2: AITA for refusing to pay my sisterās wedding expenses after she called my child a āmistakeā?
Edit to add the same trigger warnings as before sorry for forgetting - my brain is chaotic - TW: abuse, self harm, substance abuse, death, violence
I kept my promise to my wife to wait before reacting. She knows me best and knew I was prepared to go nuclear. Turns out, I neednāt have bothered.
Let me clear up a couple of small details and misconceptions Iāve read.
I am the eldest of the siblings. Mom and Dad have been sick for years on and off. So to those who think Iāve just started taken over as some weird power trip or something, no. Iāve managed their finances, maintained their properties, and taken care of all their affairs before either of them passed. Dad simply wasnāt mentally able after a while and mom never had a head for that sort of thing.
Yes, I was mostly left in charge of my siblings growing up. Both my parents had businesses and worked often 7 day weeks. I cooked dinner and helped with homework and whatnot. Iām aware thatās not very normal, and I already know some of you will call my parents terrible for this but they simply didnāt know better. I wonāt hate them for any of it and as much as it caused me some negative effects, it also made my siblings feel safe. Iām proud of being able to protect them and be there for them when they were young so they didnāt feel how I felt. And yes, I am also in therapy.
I was the sole caretaker of my parents when they passed. The reasons are complicated but the short of it is, Dad got verbally abusive towards the end and mom got severely depressed and blunt. They were a challenge to deal with on the best of days. I hold no ill will towards them, but there it is. My siblings didnāt want to be around them. Dad was hurt and changed his will. Mom followed suit.
For those telling me I am ārewardingā Clara by paying for literally this month, and that Iām not a real mom or a bad mom by loving my daughterās tormentor, Iām envious your world is so black and white. Rent is literally due today and the money was already in transfer to her via auto-banking. And Clara isnāt getting rewarded, she is remaining housed. But from now on, sheās on her own.
Clara and I used to be pretty close but she did get distant around the time Decker was adopted. I didnāt know exactly why, just that the new dynamic was a challenge for her. I know she hates Charlie and considers him evil and irredeemable. She had a really hard time losing our cousin-in-law, Deckerās biological mother, as they were very close so I assume her issues stem from this.
I inherited the majority of everything though my siblings got sizable sums, 3 got all but one of the businesses my parents owned, and everyone got trusts. Clara spiraled after mom passed and had a mental health crisis. Before we got her help, she traveled, drank, and gambled away her entire inheritance. Long story for another time.
I didnāt have a moment to cool down and wait until today to give myself a chance to make a level-headed decision regarding my sister. Clara has spun the tale that I am jealous she found a loving man and am withholding mom and dadās money from her. She gave the perception that I was the one abusing Decker, putting her down, and telling her she isnāt my real daughter. That shut down when I sent my text a couple days ago.
Yesterday, Clara was on my doorstep. She was crying and begging for me to let her in but my wife and her friends were inside and I made it clear I donāt want her near my family as she emotionally abused my daughter and physically harmed my wife. I told her to leave or I would call the police to have her removed. I was going to call the police anyway because I told her never to come to our home again and there she was. Thereās a reason I said this in text, so I could -in an event like this- show them clear as day that she would know she is welcome.
Clara started to beg saying she will apologize to Decker and she was drunk and upset and made mistakes. I could tell she was drunk. Or high. Or somethkng. I told her itās not a simple āmistakeā to bully a traumatized teen girl and make her feel unloved and unwanted by her own family and to text her that she is worthless and expendable. What the fuck!?
I got angry and just started to raise my voice. I dont know when I started to yell but I did. I justā¦lost it.
Sheās a cold-hearted, awful, self-serving brat. Spoiled beyond belief to being so delusional that this all would just go away - thatās sheās entitled to the money my wife and I make, that our parents gave us after all she did. She needs fucking help and I am done being the giving tree here. You donāt ever hurt my child. Sheās lucky I have a head to keep my hands to myself and luckier still Honey isnāt out here because she certainly would not so go the fuck home.
Clara slapped me across the face and called me a bitch and a traitor that I choose that ādemon spawnā of a child over her. That I love Decker more than my own real family and turn my back on her this way.
Honey must have been right by the door because before I could make a very bad choice she had yanked me inside, told my sister that she had 60 seconds to fuck off and slammed the door closed.
Clara left quickly but we still called the police and handed over the footage from our property cameras of what happened, as well as the texts from our phones. Clara went ballistic over text telling me awful things ending with her hoping I take my own life and she would celebrate. Absolutely unhinged awful shit like that. I blocked her, sent every piece of footage In a google drive and dropped the link in the sibling group chat and sent it to āKevinā her fiance.
I then sat down and cried myself into a fit before Decker came home from practice. I put on my āmomā face for her and made sure she did her homework then I went to the den and called my aunt - Deckerās biological grandmother - and told her what happened.
My aunt told me that Clara is renewing her conspiracy that I harming Decker and that I need to be careful because she suspects Clara is having some sort of mental break and might do something crazy.
Honey and I have spent this whole day working on a request for a protective order from her. Making sure Deckerās school knows no one is to pick her up but us. And get a lawyer because I think legal action is needed here. I told my eldest of the brothers that Clara needs help and asked if he could check on her because she might be as much a danger to herself as she is now presenting to be to me and my family. He got quiet and said āCanāt you handle this?ā And said this drama was too much and heās busy.
I was so stunned I just blurted out āAre you fucking kidding me right now?ā Before I just hung up. My other sister is now over, helping me deal with this. My other brother has gone to see after Clara, but says he will only make sure she hasnāt hurt herself but beyond that she can get wrecked for what sheās done.
Kevin called me and said he went through the Google drive and begged me not to call the police on Clara. He said that she has been having a really bad time, and has struggled with drinking and has been stealing his medications and heās trying to get her help. But if she gets arrested, he doesnāt have the funds for bail pr any legal help. I told him itās too late. The police have been called and he needs to get her into some sort of rehab or something. He asked for our help to pay for a facility he was thinking of and I told him to keep her away from me and my family.
He started to cry and told me Iām am awful sister. That i donāt care about Clara and her struggles and that sheās just lost and heās underwater trying to keep her from going off a deep end. I didnāt reply after that and have just been sitting around the house waiting for the police to call back, trying to get my crying out fo the way before Decker comes home from school.
I feel wretched and terrible because not matter what I do now, it will just never feel right. I was to look after them all and now my sister is this lunatic hellbent on burning my life down and my brother is alarmingly just indifferent to it all. I am used to being the one that holds the family together and handle things. But I donāt feel like I can handle anything anymore. Wtf is my life?
RELEVANT COMMENTS
peachez728
You are in a tough situation. Someone will have hurt feelings no matter what choice you make. At the end of the day you must do what is best for your family (wife & child). Itās hard letting go of family when you know they will flounder but you donāt want to sink with them. I bet your parents wouldnāt want you too either.
OOP
Oh, my mother would be furious with me right now. I can almost hear her berating me in the back of my skull telling me Kevin is right and I am supposed to take care of them not turn my back on any of them and to forgive because we are family and thatās what family does.
Itās killing me, but it helps watching Decker. Sheās out back in the pool now that her homework is done, and sheās chatting away with Honey while I āwork on dinnerā. Iāve been staring at bell peppers for like 15 minutes battling my mom in my head with āBut look at her - sheās safe and happy - wouldnāt you want that?ā
~
EvenSpoonier
Sounds like youāre doing the right thing, but yikes.
Iām not sure that helping pay for rehab is a bad idea, as long as itās an inpatient facility and thereās a court order in place that will help govern when she can leave. The most important thing is keeping her away from your family. This would accomplish that, while also allowing you to say that she needs help and youāre helping her get it. And who knows? Maybe sheāll actually get the help she needs.
OOP
I really hope she does get help, but right now, I am focused on my daughter wnd wife. She was off the rails enough to strike me. Itās not a full on attack but if sheās capable of all of this, I donāt know what she might do to my family and right now sheās hyper fixated on us, and Decker in particular.
She has my other siblings and her fiance, so I will let them handle this for now. I am more concerned for the safety of my home. I know that sounds terrible and maybe I am, but I just donāt have the extra space in my mind to deal with this.
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOPās OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7
